looking for the help and support of others

[afi]

Hello everyone. I recently just joined this forum becuase it looked very friendly. I first and foremost want to thank Susan or whoever is involved with the maintence and well-being of this site. It is a valuable outlet and safeplace for people like us. I am a 19 year old CD, I have been CD since I was 12.

First with long shirts that I pretended to be dresses, until I moved on to actually wearing my sister's clothes maybe 3-4 years ago. I have always used CD as a form of masturbation, so I guess you could say it is a fetish. Everytime I do so I feel guilty. Of course I do this all in secret, but now I can tell you guys. I have only told one person in my life about this secret, an old girlfriend of mine (we later broke up, not because of the CD), and yes I am hetrosexual.

I feel confused when I CD because for one I use it as a means of pleasure. I just love having the tight skirts on, I feel like I am really one with the woman. CD is also the only form of masturbation I know. I never learned how to jerk it, when I CD I get an erection and then I proceed to humping a bed, which I know is not good- but it is the only way I know.

I can't even express how good it feels to tell this to you guys, I feel so much better, but this is where I ask of your help.

I have tried in the past to "purge" , but like any addiction (especially sexual) I cannot shake it. I have not had a girlfriend for 3 years now. When I was dating this girl in Highschool I stopped commiting the act, becuase I was occupied (she was also the one I told). After we broke up I turned to my old habit in times of stress. It is good stress relief as is all forms of masturbation. I've tried to hold out for 30 days, since I heard it takes 30 days to break a habit, but I just can't go 30 days without masturbating (CDing). I feel so ashamed. I want to break the habit.

I understand this is a forum more about embracing CD and one's innermost feelings, but I genuinely feel this is not me. I strictly only use CDing as a means to ejaculate. Is anyone else like this? I usually only CD from the waist down and have never imagined putting on make-up or a wig. I mean no disrespect to anyone on these forums, I admire you all. You are amazing people and cannot stress how much I am appreciative of you all, but I just cannot go on like this.

A lot of things have recently happened in my life and my CDing is only hurting me more and the people around me who don't know. This is not something in my mind, it is hurting the people around me and myself, I want to quit, but the urges are just so strong. I feel like an alcoholic...I can go a week, but then the desire to masturbate is just too great.

Please I ask you for advice, but most of all just to hear me out. I thank you so much form the bottom of my heart to even read all of this  . Now I plan to post every single day in this thread and give you guys updates- sort of like a blog, but on this forum as a means to vent and perhaps control myself for at least 30 days to see if I can indeed shake the habit. Words of support would be appreciated and if you would like to share your stories. Please I ask if you can sympathize with me and help me expel this habit. Thank you and I love you all.

Thank you again so much for taking the time to read all of this, I will keep everyone updated regularly. Well I just crossdress about an hour ago, after a 2 week hiatus, man it felt so good (you know why too ). Please, please understand my plight, and once more I thank you all so very much.

[barbie]

Hi, afi,

I think your story is not unusual at all. I also felt very strong fetishism on silk stockings and high heels when I was just 4 years old. I am not quite sure whether sexuality could be related with it at that young age, but my fetishism did become sexual one in my teenages and later. As I begain wearing stockings and heels in public, sexuality became less. Now it is a kind of excitement in my everyday life.

I do not think you should feel guilty on your sexual issues. Taste of sex differes greatly among persons, and I hope you could find a nice mate to share and understand your sexual taste. Regarding marriage, sex is not all story. To me, supporting his family could be far more important than sexual life, as I have 3 kids.

Barbie~~

[Chrissty]

Hi afi,

Welcome to Susan's

I agree with Barbie that your story is not unusal, but as you are now 19 and have been living with your "addiction" for 7 years, I'm afraid it is unlikely you will be able to kick the habit in 30 days.

However, being able to discuss the problem is an important first step. By discussing your issues here, hopefully you can relieve some of the confusion and guilt your feeling. Then you may be able to work out what is driving you to do this, and what action you feel you can take to help resolve your issues.

I'm no therapist, and I am somewhat older, but I am concerned that this issue will prevent you developing freinds/relationships, and will make you lonely while you let the guilt dominate your life.

Good Luck... We'll be here when you need us..

Chrissty

[afi]

thank you for your responses- I thought you would try to say stuff like "be true to yourself" And I will be completely honest with you guys- I don't like CDing, if I could masturbate any other way I would do it. When I dated this girl she use to jerk me off and it felt so good, which was one of the reasons I did not CD while dating her. Today I did fine and I am determined, I will not CD. Thanks so much for your support and you guys are just amazing I must say, reading other post you guys have created this subculture that is fantastic, but just isn't really me. Thanks and I'll keep you guys updated tommorrow.

[Elwood]

*envious* 

[Chrissty]

Hi afi,

Just a thought.. There is a hypnotist who plays mind games on TV in the UK ( I live in the UK ) called Darren Brown...

He did a show that talked about a concern over how our brains work called   "Don't press the Red Button"....

This involved no Hypnosis, and was a demonstration of how our brains work in a situaion of stress and guilt.....

The theory goes....."if you are told not to press a Red button,... over and over again.....and then you are given the responsibility for not pressing the Red Button (stress), ...you keep telling yourself in your head not to,..you simply must not  .... the more you tell yourself not to  ,..... the more you want to press it and find out what would happen if you did (guilt),.... unitl the combination of stress and guilt is simply too much.... and.....".

The point is, that no one here would wish any of the "stuff" we suffer on anyone else.

If you're going to kick your problem, your best shot is to kick your stress and frustration issues that are leading to a "Red Button" senario, and get back to your life.

If that doesn't work.. then it 'aint the end of the world....


Chrissty

[barbie]

Yesterday I wore 4-inch highheel sandals at a hotel restaurant, and it suddenly becomes very comfortable to walk. I could walk while streching my legs fully all the way. Even it was enjoyable, as if I became a ballerina. Are my legs adjusted to wearing heels?

I am not sure, but what I can say is that fetishism or sexuality with respect to heels greatly diminished. About 5 or 6 years ago, when I first tried to wear my first heels that my wife purchased for me, I was raptued. I remember I was strangely sexually aroused and I was very happy. These feelings gradually diminished thereafter. For more stimulations, I sometimes needed other items such as fish net stockings.

Nowadays, wearing high heel sandals is just for emphasizing my leg lines and some hygienic purpose (preventing athlete's foot). The red-button theory is very persuasive to me. Once I have worn enough and I can wear if I want, I do not feel sexuality or fetishism so much. Now heels are just my lovely fashion items. I love them, but I am not sexually aroused.

Barbie~~

[tekla]

If you want to take the masterbating out of the dressing, dress more often.  If you dress up 'do it' and then, in shame and loathing change clothes then the act of dressing up becomes linked with the act of dressing and those clothes.  To break that cycle, stay dressed.

Wear the clothes more and more on a daily basis.  Make them part of, and incorporate them into your everyday wardrobe.  Get rid of the boxers and tightie-whities and get thee to a Victoria's Secret and ware them every day, it will cease to thrill in short order.  It just becomes an everyday deal.  And like anything else that's routine, its hardly thrilling.

Then, find a safe place, a support group, some gay disco, whatever, and start going out, it will change things, bring them into a closer alignment and a normalized situation.

[Bethany W]

Im 22, Ive tried dozens of times to "quit" but never really been able to. Alot of it is fetish based for me too and I also feel guilty afterwards. I stopped throwing the clothes out because it gets too expensive to buy them all again and I get mad at myself within a week of doing it. I also consider myself relatively hetero and would LOVE to find a wife/girlfriend who was actually "cool" with it. I mustve been about 10 or something when I dressed up for the first time, but I know Id fantasized about it even before that. I remember in elementary school, probably 2nd grade I used to stare at this girl and I wished we could trade bodies for a day or that I could have purple tights with a floral pattern and more rounded thighs like hers. No matter how much self hypnosis I tried it would never go away so I just "accept it" now and see no more need to try to fight it, as much as I wish I didnt have those desires to begin with. I thought maybe if I dressed up in public Id "get over it" but I certainly didnt. Ive worn panties for so long they didnt turn me on anymore, but I always will get turned on when I first put them on I think. I also love women, they are truely beautiful creatures.