An update.
Yesterday, Cheryl called me from work and said that our daughter needed to help a friend and couldn't pick her up. I was asked to drive over to the office and get her. I wondered if she had arranged this because of the "discussion" that came next. I told her in the van that I didn't want to discuss any issue other than pleasantries and that as far as I was concerned, we are to act like friends only. This was and is her stated desire. However, she then proceeded to say that she didn't want to proceed down that path and wanted to discuss my problems with the surgery delay. She doesn't understand why it is a a problem for me to delay elective surgery until next year. By my insistence that I need it now, I am jeopardizing the family security. Supposedly, we will be able to run this charge through an HSA next year and get a big savings. That is if her company continues the plan. She has repeatedly told me that they probably will drop or radically change the coverage as they do this almost every year. So I am in doubt that her story is really based in fact. So in spite of several attempts to stop the conversation, I finally got snarled into another four hour marathon argument.
We talked about my concerns, starting with my birthday celebration.
For starters, I said," You gave me money. We never give money. You said that you couldn't figure out what to buy me but there is a whole mall full of women's clothes and jewelry. You commented on how my nightgown is in tatters, why didn't you buy me one? The money was stuffed in the card not even folded. You didn't have my name on the cake and didn't sing happy birthday."
She said," We have given each other money lots of times. Don't you remember? I am not going to buy you women's things other than necklaces and earrings. ( She gets these from a coworker for a huge discount.) Certainly not a nightgown, I wouldn't know what to buy. The money was folded in a Japanese convention as a artistic gesture. You asked us not to sing, Ahhh, you don't remember, do you? The name on the cake? You are being petty and mean. You don't accept our support and love. You have no compassion for us."
OK, once again she is trying to insinuate that my memory is failing. She claims that I forget and misremember things because it really shuts me down when she does it. I write these conversations down because of that. She often turns my claims of being hurt into that I am attacking her.
Then she proceeded to talk about sex. She said."You are just angry because you want sex from me. I am not a lesbian and cannot have sex with a woman. Don't you see that you are being respected by this? If I did, I would continue to view you as Kurt. You have been dropping hints all over the place that you are horny like saying "Hot saks" while we watch love scenes in movies. You said it many times every night. "
I, in fact, said it one time when we watched Austin Powers. I am not horny, Spiro has destroyed my sex drive. In fact, she doesn't turn me on much now. She has stopped shaving her legs and wears worn out old lingerie and clothes. She is obsessed with sex. She went on to say that when I hug her it is a sexual thing. "Women don't hug each other" she said several times. I agreed not to hug or kiss her on the cheek goodbye.
Then she went on to say "You wouldn't have sex with me for years ( ten years ago) so I learned how to live without it." This is so not true. At the time, I was making disposable sex toys buying erotic videos designed for women and actual sex toys for us to use. She has blocked all of that out.
Finally she said, "You don't know but many many women who have a baby think twice about having sex again. I almost died in childbirth it changed my sex drive and I lost interest in sex, I have no sex drive at all now"
This is so not true too. Last month she admitted that she slashed out at me because she is so horny and cannot have sex with me because I am a woman,
I took my wedding band off and she asked if she could keep it.
The really sad thing is that early on in my transition nine years ago, when we first confronted the possibility that I was trans, she said she was devastated and angry because she LIKED IT! She didn't and doesn't want to like it. She went on to admit that she has had fantasies about wearing a strap on and giving it to a woman. SO this was an example of why she hates ->-bleeped-<- in me. It forces her to confront her own lesbian desires. She is homophobic and most of the problems we discussed over the years was when women made advances to her at her jobs. One offered her a three way with me. The last big one was her boss who was a lesbian and the woman asked her to buy flowers for the woman's lover. She quit her job over it saying that her boss was coming on to her. We nearly got evicted over it.
Now for the icing on the cake. I have agreed to delay the surgery because I have no choice. She is now thinking about taking a vacation in the fall. She said," I hope this isn't a problem for you?"
I said,"Your timing is incredible."
This morning, she overslept. I didn't know how to deal with this because she has insisted that we live as friends not lovers and anything could be construed as a sexual advance. So I poured my coffee and instead of pouring hers and waking her up, I took my coffee to bed. We have had coffee together every morning for 23 years .
When she did wake up she came into my room and complained that I was making a statement. I had ruined her morning. Why didn't I wake her up? Why didn't I pour her coffee? I was being mean again, according to her. Now, she has an alarm clock and it is set to go off and she never sleeps in. Why today?
After breakfast, she again talked about what she wanted to do on her vacation now that surgery is delayed until next year. She feels that the surgery thing is delayed until next spring as she knows I have to get an appt and fit into his schedule. "Surgeons have cancellations all the time" she said,
Then she said, "We should pass as sisters to others and friends without benefits to each other but you are still my soulmate. "
Weird, I am apparently remembering wrong, interpreting wrong, abusive and callous, and have ignored her sexually for most of our marriage. Who was I having sex with then? Must have been a dream.
Maggie
