I have been working on finding a way to leave but as I said earlier, my options are extremely limited.
I looked at the shelter idea and frankly, that is terrifying for me at the stage of transition I am in. The nearest is Salinas and that city is mostly desperately poor Hispanic and most Monterey peninsula residents won't go there. The shelter would be full of hispanic women and we know that TS in Hispanic culture is not tolerated.
The vacation was not specified. I am not sure if the money was involved but the time off from work to help me recover was in it.
She has taken out a separate bank account with her name on it and a PO box in another town. She did it the last time I said I wanted to leave. When I recanted, she closed the account and now I have a key to the PO box. My problem is that she controls all the money we make and she accounts for every penny in our accounting software. There is no way for me to squirrel away any money at all without her knowing it.
The money we have saved came from a big sale that I made in December and it enabled us to move and pay all the setup expenses for our new rental. In that one sale, I made half of her annual salary. Sadly, that cannot happen again as I no longer manufacture that product. My vision won't allow me to work full time, yet it is good enough to keep me from being considered disabled. I can drive safely but not at night.
I know and appreciate the danger I am in. I know that every step I take to fulfill my womanhood, puts me in more danger. I am aware of the possibilites. Cheryl came from an abusive family and she was beaten to the point of bleeding every Sunday morning from age 6 to 14 by her father who was a minister of a small church in Indiana that he founded. The beatings happened for things like her leaving soap in the tub or sometimes they were because of something she was expected to do but had not done yet. Sometimes, she was beaten just for his pleasure. Her mother did nothing to stop it and denied that it ever happened. Cheryl did not know that she was an abused child until a therapist told her in a six month session in 1985.
We went back home, while I was out of work and confronted her parents about the abuse. She wanted to come to forgiveness and reconciliation. Instead, they had the police come and put us and our infant daughter in a motel room on the edge of town with no car or money. Three days later, strangers came and gave us cash and we left for California. We were homeless for about six months going from church to church.
Eventually, Cheryl got a job as a transcriber and we got an apartment. I stayed home with the baby and built a computer from surplus parts to continue my software development. Eventually, it generated over 1.5 million dollars in sales. Much of that went to our daughter's childhood and college education. When we lost the business we lost most of the rest trying to save it. Eventually, we went bankrupt. Now I have this small business and it is my last chance given my limitations. I am a very well known designer and it is a wonderful business.
If I know Cheryl at all, I don't think she will go violent. She has never lifted a finger in anger towards me or our daughter. No spankings no hitting. Not even hand gestures that symbolize violence. She can't watch violence on TV or in Movies.
She can however, twist the words and slice me up emotionally but she has taken the big gun and used it. Standing in the way of my surgery is huge. She is completely at peace with this now. It is my task to pull myself together and keep looking for a door. If I ever find one, I promise that I will take it.
I'm off to the SSA for my name change.
Maggie
