From a mother's view...and need help!

[KJS MOM]

Hello everyone,

My child is 19, born male, and is beginning his transition to female.  I only wish for his/her happiness and try to be as supportive as I can.  We have gone shopping together, picked a new name, and I have accompanied her to doctor who will do the SRS. She is on Hormone therapy and is beginning to develop breasts.  My child has long, thick hair, is a little too thin, and will make a lovely girl, but a little tall (she thinks) at almost 5 10".  Unfortunately, Dad is a problem, thinks it's just a phase, and refuses to see her dressed as a girl.  She works as a male, and doesn't want to come out at work.  Wants to start over new as a girl somewhere else (hopefully college).  I wish more TG kids would know that it is very hard on the parents and show US some support.  I have to walk on eggshells and watch every word I say, or she'll get mad at me and won't speak to me for a week.  Very narcissistic, and I understand why, but still hard on Mom, too. Current problem: We are trying to find a doctor who will do a tracheal shave, and can't find any in our area.  The other doctor is a urologist who just does SRS (waist down).  Does anyone know where I can find a doctor who will do this?  It is the one thing she is self-conscious about.  We live in South Florida.  Any parents who can share how they brought the Dad around??  Reading everyone's stories has helped me understand what a widespread issue this is, and how terribly the kids suffer (I know mine has).  Also, is 19 too young to know for sure - says she's only happy as a girl and has known since age 8 or so.  Just wanted to talk, really.  Thanks for listening and any advice will be appreciated.             

[Sarah Louise]

Welcome to Susan's.

Your child is lucky your willing to help, not all parents are.  I understand it is difficult from both sides, we expect our parents to accept our feelings immediately and that just isn't going to happen.  We usually know from early childhood, but seldom do our parents see it, so it comes as a big jolt when we tell them.

I have no idea how to get your husband to understand, maybe it will just take time.

I hope your daughter will be give him time and that she will allow for any slipups you might make.

Look through the Wiki area, you might find a surgeon there.


Sarah L.

[barbie]

Thanks for your introduction and story on your child.

I think I am an androgynous transgender, rather than a transsexual person. Sometimes I have strongly felt that I wish to be a woman. But I am now a dad of 3 kids.

I also sometimes think what I would do if one of my kids would show ->-bleeped-<-, although there is no evidence that ->-bleeped-<- transmitts genetically. Would I allow SRS? It's a difficult question, and probably I would prefer pursuading him to seek an alternative, and moderate way to relieve ->-bleeped-<-.

My parents understand very well my ->-bleeped-<-, and accept whatever I wear.

A fortunate point in your story is she is very young, just 19 yrs old. Transition would be very effective in that age, and she may be able to start her new life after graduating college. It is an ideal age for SRS.

I hope love and dialogues would slove all problems. I guess it also takes time for your husband to accept it.

Barbie~~

[Nero]

Hi KJs Mom.

19 is not too young to know for sure and as Barbie pointed out, a very good age to start. Starting now could save her a lot of years of misery and maybe even prevent the need for costly surgeries in the future.

[IsabelleStPierre]

Any parents who can share how they brought the Dad around?? 

Also, is 19 too young to know for sure - says she's only happy as a girl and has known since age 8 or so.  Just wanted to talk, really.  Thanks for listening and any advice will be appreciated.             

Greetings!

Oh, the turmoil you must find yourself in and I am very happy to see you reaching out to the community to help gain understanding, support, etc. Oftentimes we (we being those who are transitioning or transitioned) forget how difficult it all can be on those in our lives because we are literally focusing basically solely on ourselves. This does change the further along the process we get. The only way I know of to get someone to come around is time, patience and persistence...but also realize that there is a chance her father may never be able to come around and fully accept. One of the often sad parts about transitioning is that oftentimes we do loose family members who are unwilling to be open minded; some do come around in time, some do not. It has taken a lot of work on my part to keep the ties to my family open, but there have been times when I wasn't sure it was worth the effort. As for eggshells, I tend to let the little slips of pronouns go now when my mother does it...there is no point to my getting upset over it and family are the only ones I give that leeway too.

Is 19 too you to know for sure? I would have to say no, 19 is not too young to know for sure. Also given her age the process will be much easier for her, her response to HRT will be better, her recovery from surgeries faster, etc. I originally transitioned when I was 13 years old, without the support of my parents, but with the support of my sisters. I knew full well back then that it was right for me, that nothing in the world would change the way I felt about who I am. So, no, 19 is not to young to fully know.

I do hope that she is in therapy, for the therapist does play a large role in the SRS process. While a lot of people in the community hate having to go through the therapist for things, it does provide an important safety point to make sure that someone is fully aware of what lays ahead of them.

I wish you the best of luck in the journey of realization that lays ahead of you...

[trapthavok]

Hey KJs mom. Welcome to susan's.

Yes, it will be a long journey for the both of you. What's most important is that you both support each other along the way. She will need you to be helpful at times and supportive, and vice versa, so since you're both willing to help each other out I think you need to talk things out with her and show her you're on her side. It will be hard, but you will all get through this. As for your husband, he probably just needs time to get used to it like the others said, then again some never do.

Make yourself at home here, we'd be glad to help you out

[Northern Jane]

The first thing I will say is God bless you for supporting your child!!! That is far too rare in this world and causes SO much pain to everyone when the family is not supportive.

Unfortunately men often have a great deal of difficulty accepting that who they thought was their son is not actually 'of the male gender'. I suspect that treating this as a medical, a physiological issue may be easier for him to accept. Though sex and gender were long believed to be synonymous, developments in the last 10 to 20 years are indicating that gender ("brain sex") is every bit as physiological as physical sex and is immutable. Your husband needs to come to the understanding that this is NOT a choice and it will NOT go away, that the longer your child has to live with this without treatment or acceptance, the harder life will be for her. I am sure your daughter has shown signs of this problem from earliest childhood and it may be good to GENTLY point out these signs to your husband and give him time to adjust.

19 is NOT too young! (I knew at 14 but back then (1960's) little was known of this condition and my mother blocked any treatment until I was of legal age. She never did accept me and I have not had contact with her in 30 years.)

Again, I say BLESS YOU for your understanding and support of your daughter!

[cindybc]

Hi KJS MOM

Regretfully I must agree with Northern Jane

The first thing I will say is God bless you for supporting your child!!! That is far too rare in this world and causes SO much pain to everyone when the family is not supportive.

The subject of family's I would sooner not get into. I will only say that this is your child, do you love your child? It's your choice as to whether you *support her*, or *not support her*, if the choice is *yes* that is good, she will need all the support you you can give her. If the answer is *no* she will go without your consent, but it will be a much more difficult rout to take, while it would be so much easier with your support.

Some who had to fight through this on their own some have come out the other end hardened and hurting. I was alone but I was lucky that transitioning for me humbled me I suppose I give thanks to the fact that I make friends easy.

Cindy