Yip, I HAVE managed to branch out some, only it's hard to see. Maybe the same thing is happening with you and you just can't see it. For over a month, ALL that I did was obsess over my gender and sexuality. I had Queer As Folk on endless loop and was watching it for eight or ten hours a day. When I cut back on QAF, I substituted with other queer media and films that I knew would push my buttons. I paced around and talked to myself, I obsessively searched the Internet for trans- and gay-related material, and in July I started obsessively lurking and posting here.
Today I tried to take a more objective look at my situation. Okay, I'm not working on my thesis, and I'm still having a hard time getting to sleep at night, but I'm gaining control in other, smaller ways. My partner and I spend scheduled time together doing non-trans, non-sexuality activities. I've stopped being quite so obsessive about watching Queer As Folk, gay movies, and other films that push my buttons. I still watch them some, but I've branched out into mainstream films. Today I'm watching a Fellini picture; I wouldn't have stood for that a month ago! I've read a couple of books--in July, I was too wired to read anything. I'm exercising. I think I'm pacing a bit less, although it is a little hard to tell. My partner and I are spending more time just talking. And now I'm in therapy, which (despite my initial cynicism about it) is a huge help.
Anyway, I'm starting to see that even if I don't yet have full control of my life, the obsession has lost a little of its grip on me, largely because I've been trying to be aware of it and also because I've attempted to make a few small decisions here and there to sort of nudge myself in the right direction. So, yes, I'm riding the obsession, but I'm also pushing myself in little ways toward getting myself under control.
It takes baby steps. That's what people keep saying, and it's true. So if you can take one baby step here and there, TERRIFIC! For me, it's a baby step to watch La Dolce Vita instead of a gay-themed movie. I'll still see that gay-themed movie a week or two down the road, but the fact that I can defer it and do something else is progress.
I guess what I'm saying is that you can make small progress without even realizing it--and you can nudge yourself toward making small progress. So you have to take the initiative to make very small gains, and you have to further take the initiative to recognize these small gains and pat yourself on the back for them.
Try this: sit down with a few pieces of paper and a pen. Tell yourself that you're going to write out your frustrations and then take a few minutes to yourself. Sit down and write a few pages, don't lift pen from paper--just keep writing whatever nonsense comes into your head. Later, if you want, you can destroy what you've written. Write for fifteen minutes, or write three pages--you decide what is right for you. When you're done, put the pen down and take the break. It can be five minutes, three minutes, even less. Take the time to focus on one thing--the passage of time, the second hand, the sand in the sand timer, your elusive sense of inner peace, the image of something pleasant. When your mind starts to wander/obsess, refocus. Keep doing it until your three minutes, or whatever, are up.
I don't know if this exercise will help, but it gives you the chance to obsess guilt-free for a specific length of time or a specific number of written pages before you start trying to focus for just a few minutes. If you can clear your mind for just a short time, that's an improvement, isn't it? Eventually, you will get better, and--perhaps more important--you will FEEL like you are controlling some aspect of your life. You might say that as the obsessiveness gradually lifts on its own, OF COURSE you'll start doing other things and getting back to a less stressful, more "normal" state--so, what's the difference if you "train" yourself along the way? Well, I think it makes a big difference. If you can knowingly take advantage of the small opportunities that come along, the cracks in your obsession, as it were, then you are exerting conscious control over your situation. You won't feel as if the return to "normality" just happened...to a great extent, you'll have caused it yourself. You'll feed on your own good vibes and sense of accomplishment and control. Your awareness of any small gains is therefore key.
When WILL you be able to start therapy? Soon, I hope.
