QuoteSorry this was so long. Can anyone else relate to any of these feelings? I'd really appreciate a response, even if you don't relate to ALL of them. I don't know what I consider myself with all these feelings, and normally it wouldn't bother me, but I don't feel these are "normal" thoughts for any "girl."
Yes, and I know exactly what you mean. I've been thinking about these thoughts and feelings for *years* now, and how they just cannot be what "normal girls" experience, so it's
so nice to know I'm not the only one (though I suspect I should have expected that by now, it happens almost every time I'm on Susan's
).
Presentation-I like dressing as male, this is a big deal for me. I will never wear another dress or bra again, and I love my binder to death. When my packer comes in, I may well be as enthusiased about it as I am my binder, but right now it's more about the upper half for me than the lower half.-I swore off wearing dresses when I was about 12, and although I do have some nice summery skirts that Mum kept badgering me to wear, I managed to get through all of summer in jeans (very proud of that
). And then when I was trying to figure out what to wear for my graduation, it was "What about that lovely skirt I got you?" - "No, pants." (Actually, it was more of a one-word "Nopants." Though a polite one word, of course
). It
was a nice skirt, and I do still have them all, but I just really wasn't in the mood for feeling like a guy in lace, which is what happens whenever I decide to try "pretty" (hasn't happened for a while
). As for the top half, I've just started binding and buying guys' shirts, and it's great! As you said, it
feels right. I've also stopped wearing low-cut tops.
-I like my unique hairstyle. Though it doesn't look like the average african american male's do, I love the way it feels and brushes and am not sure I want it any shorter right now even to "pass".-I'm brunet and my hair (sort of wavy, not dead straight but not ringlet-y either) goes down to my bum, and while I keep thinking that I should probably get it cut to a less-obviously-female length...I actually rather like having long hair. It's usually in a ponytail or something so you can't see that it's that long (one of those pony-tails where you pull it through the hair-tie 2 1/2 times, so it's sort of doubled over and short...), but it's still nice having it.
-I want to be perceived as male by other people, strangers, friends, you name it. I don't ever want to be mistaken for a girl. I don't like being asked if I'm a boy or girl. Frankly that's just embarrassing. I want to check that "male" box on applications. I want to go to job interviews in a suit and tie, and dress for work everyday thereafter in a tie and dress shirt (but only if required to!!) as opposed to skirt/pants outfits and the like-Oh yes! Getting sick of female pronouns, they just feel
wrong, wrongwrongwrongwrongwrong! I want the world to look at me and think "male". "Yes, you're right, he does look a tad effeminate, I'll agree with you there, but you say you think he's a *woman*? You serious?!!! No way mate, he's definfitely a man, no doubt there!!!" Ah, one can dream...
(I filled out an application form recently, and it had "Gender: Male _ Female_" and I was
soooo tempted to put "male"...but it was for uni, so I figured I'd better stick to what I look like.
).
Body Dysphoria-I don't HATE my body per sei. My boobs get in the way, yes. Only 50% of the time do I ever wish I had a male looking chest. Don't ask me to look at them or touch them, but otherwise it's as if I'm ignoring them most of the time. I don't think I'd want them touched sexually but I guess I can't know since I've never been in that position.-All of what you said. *Hate* them when it comes to dancing.
Such a pain! Other times, yes, I tend to ignore them, though it's a bit hard, 'cause there's sort of this plateau halfway down my chest that I can't see past at all. I love binding, 'cause I lose the plateau almost completely! I tend to wear a lot of big, cosy pull-over hoodies, and it goes from there being two great lumps in the middle of the jumper to more-or-less flat, it's fantastic!!!
-I love my underarm hair and the tiny little hint of a happy trail I have, as well as the genital hair (sorry if I grossed you out) and I don't think I could ever really date a lesbian who was obsessed with the shaving of the crotch, cause I don't like doing that. 50% of the time I wish I had a beard (sincerely) but the other percentage I'm okay with what I look like, and 50% of the time I wish I had hairier legs.-Can't say I'm a great fan of underarm hair personally, though if I can get away with not shaving then I will. My legs I'll only shave if I have dancing and people will see them, but I tend to wear long trakkies then, so at the moment I have about 2-3 months' worth of winter coat.
It's great, 'cause I have dark hair and big calves, so they don't look like a dainty woman's legs at all.
Everywhere else I never shave.
And I don't have a snail trail.
Transition?-I don't think I'm ready for T yet, seeing as I'm happy with the thought of being on it only 50% of the time and it's SUCH a permanent change. I don't know if it will ever be 100% and I'm not going to rush the idea.-Yep. Thought I was happy not doing anything at all, but turned out that I wasn't, so I'm going in baby steps. Clothes first, and then binding. Haven't been out of the house yet with a binder on, but hoping to do so tomorrow at uni.
We'll see... Depends on how things go after that, if I feel I need to go further. Can't imagine going the whole way, but at the same time I can't stand the thought of living the rest of my life as a woman. As I said, we'll see...
-I don't want top surgery right now. It would only be a matter of convenience for me as in "it would be more convenient to have a male chest" than anything else at this point in my life. -Yes, binding's working swimmingly at the moment, don't think I'll go in for anything major for a while. And only one person knows about it thus far, so I'd have to tell my parents and everything, and I'd really rather get things straightened out in my own head before confusing the rest of the world.
-I don't want phalloplasty. At all. The only reason I would ever want a penis is for sexual activity. It depresses me that I'll never be able to feel a woman the same way a bio male does, as in 100%, but that's the only reason I would ever want one.-Same. It'd probably be with another man, not a woman, but the same. And you're right, it is a depressing thought.
Sexually-I wish I was a man. I wish I had the erection/natural feeling in penis thing going for me. I wish I had the smooth flat chest a woman could love to touch.-Yes. Just, yes, absolutely.
-In my present body, I don't want to be touched the way I desire to touch a woman.-Again, yes.
Cannot imagine being,
do not want to imagine being, and
do not want to be, a woman in that situation. A man in that situation, be it with another man or a woman, that I have no issues with at all. But not
ever as a woman.
-I want to be seen as someone's boyfriend.-Yes! Yesyesyesyesyes!!!!! I'm a fairly submissive, passive person, but I do *not* want to be the girlfriend. At all.
Sorry, that was fairly long-winded and possibly a wee bit nonsensical (it's about 5am here. Who needs sleep, seriously?
), but yes, that's me. It's funny, I had a bad case of depression a few months ago (not suicidal, but panic attacks and whatnot), and I went to a psychologist twice, and that made me feel better about things at home (the adolescent-younger-sibling-ruining-family-life thing), but it was actually my own discovery and acceptance of being TG which helped the most. Even Mum was saying recently that I seemed much better and that the psych. seemed to have helped, and he did, but I honestly think it was really just finding out that there is a reason (and if not a reason, certainly a name) which explains why I've been feeling and thinking all that I have these past X number of years. I've accepted that I'm a gay TG FtM, and really, everything is just so much better! I'm just so much more comfortable in my own skin, even though physically I haven't changed at all (excepting binding, maybe).
Sorry, early morning rambling again, tut tut.
But yes, I hope that's helped. It's always a relief to know you're not the only one (thanks for posting this, by the way!!!).
Lutin
