And so it begins

[Windrider]

Thanks everyone for your advice

Dani and I did talk some last night. I'm still apparently not communicating my points well enough because I got a whine of "well, how many years do you want?" *grr* I did manage to remain calm although part of me wanted to smack her silly for that remark. "behave like an adult darnit!" :/ *sigh*

She still has this notion that the magic pills are going to "fix" things for her. Somehow magically make her able to walk and talk and act female and I'm having a hard time getting through to her that she needs to start practicing the walking and talking and acting at least a little *before* starting the magic pills. Her comment was "well, you can only do so much in the house." And like that's a reason to skip it? I do get her point that she's going to need some help from the hormones to look more feminine. She's currently built very "stocky". I still don't see that as a reason to skip starting to practice.

I asked her if she's thought about how she's going to come out at work. The answer I got is that she's going to take a week or two vacation and come back as female. No mention of approaching her boss, HR, or anything like that. And *those* are the things I'm asking her if she's thought about.

She's looking at the end results. I'm looking at the "how do you get there" part. The problem is that I'm getting brushed off when I ask her about the "how do you get there" steps. The magic pill isn't going to fix these and that's the answer I keep getting "I need hormones to do X".

She also seems to feel that she has "all this time" to think of these things. I'm trying to get her to start thinking *now* at least about some stuff. I'm not asking her to have full blown plans, but ideas of how she might like to approach things so there's no "OMG! What do I do now!" panic if *her* "schedule" suddenly has to change.

I am *not* going to let her fail on this.

WR - The Mean Mom

[Rachel]

Thanks everyone for your advice

Dani and I did talk some last night. I'm still apparently not communicating my points well enough because I got a whine of "well, how many years do you want?" *grr* I did manage to remain calm although part of me wanted to smack her silly for that remark. "behave like an adult darnit!" :/ *sigh*

She still has this notion that the magic pills are going to "fix" things for her. Somehow magically make her able to walk and talk and act female and I'm having a hard time getting through to her that she needs to start practicing the walking and talking and acting at least a little *before* starting the magic pills. Her comment was "well, you can only do so much in the house." And like that's a reason to skip it? I do get her point that she's going to need some help from the hormones to look more feminine. She's currently built very "stocky". I still don't see that as a reason to skip starting to practice.

I asked her if she's thought about how she's going to come out at work. The answer I got is that she's going to take a week or two vacation and come back as female. No mention of approaching her boss, HR, or anything like that. And *those* are the things I'm asking her if she's thought about.

She's looking at the end results. I'm looking at the "how do you get there" part. The problem is that I'm getting brushed off when I ask her about the "how do you get there" steps. The magic pill isn't going to fix these and that's the answer I keep getting "I need hormones to do X".

She also seems to feel that she has "all this time" to think of these things. I'm trying to get her to start thinking *now* at least about some stuff. I'm not asking her to have full blown plans, but ideas of how she might like to approach things so there's no "OMG! What do I do now!" panic if *her* "schedule" suddenly has to change.

I am *not* going to let her fail on this.

WR - The Mean Mom

Lol, stop calling yourself the mean mom, your not mean, a mean mom wouldn't let her do this.  Your the loving wife that wants her to do this the right way the first time, and seeing she is acting like a teenager and not accepting the things she needs to accept.  Just keep talking to her, thats all you can do, just let her know that you want her to think about it NOW and not later.  Don't talk about it too much mind you, could cause some marital unrest, but still bring it up here and there, and ask her to set time frames, and not just "run by the seat of her pants."

[Sephirah]

She's looking at the end results. I'm looking at the "how do you get there" part. The problem is that I'm getting brushed off when I ask her about the "how do you get there" steps. The magic pill isn't going to fix these and that's the answer I keep getting "I need hormones to do X".

Just a thought on this...

Maybe her attitude about the hormones 'fixing' things is more psychological than physical. Maybe that's the trigger in her mind that "Okay, this is really happening. Now I have to go full throttle and do everything I can." A sign, if you like, of something concrete happening in her transition to physically start to change her anatomy. And that once this starts, it'll be a chain reaction.

I can't say for sure because I don't have the personal experience, but I have thought like that a few times. Maybe she sees the hormones as a major catalyst of her transition, and what she's really saying with this is that she needs to believe (and see) that something is happening physically before she can have the confidence and courage to work on her voice, posture and movement. That seems to be the reason she says that there's only so much one can do in the house.

It could also be a deeper need to feel that it won't be for nothing. That when she's taking the hormones and starting to change physically... that will give her more security than practicing things beforehand and wondering if something could happen to delay her transition and her hopes will have been dashed. The hormones could be like the land to someone lost at sea... you can swim all you like in an endless ocean, but when you have somewhere in your sights to swim to... the strokes are far more purposeful.

I wish you both all the best with this. *big hug*

[Rachel]

She's looking at the end results. I'm looking at the "how do you get there" part. The problem is that I'm getting brushed off when I ask her about the "how do you get there" steps. The magic pill isn't going to fix these and that's the answer I keep getting "I need hormones to do X".

Just a thought on this...

Maybe her attitude about the hormones 'fixing' things is more psychological than physical. Maybe that's the trigger in her mind that "Okay, this is really happening. Now I have to go full throttle and do everything I can." A sign, if you like, of something concrete happening in her transition to physically start to change her anatomy. And that once this starts, it'll be a chain reaction.

I can't say for sure because I don't have the personal experience, but I have thought like that a few times. Maybe she sees the hormones as a major catalyst of her transition, and what she's really saying with this is that she needs to believe (and see) that something is happening physically before she can have the confidence and courage to work on her voice, posture and movement. That seems to be the reason she says that there's only so much one can do in the house.

It could also be a deeper need to feel that it won't be for nothing. That when she's taking the hormones and starting to change physically... that will give her more security than practicing things beforehand and wondering if something could happen to delay her transition and her hopes will have been dashed. The hormones could be like the land to someone lost at sea... you can swim all you like in an endless ocean, but when you have somewhere in your sights to swim to... the strokes are far more purposeful.

I wish you both all the best with this. *big hug*

This could very well be it, it could be her security blanket so to speak, the final thing that proves to her she isnt crazy.  I know I cannot wait for my own HRT, like some symbol of my forward movement, but then I'm not illusioned that it'll fix my problems.  I know it will make passing a bit easier, but the rest is on me, and only I can do it.  This is why I've been singing female songs and working on my voice in the car today.  Ask Dani to do the same, that you want to hear her real voice, and hear her work on it, so that she will be more ready for transition once starting on HRT.  Let her know that if she starts now with everything, it will be easier and faster once she starts HRT.

[Windrider]

Thanks again everyone for the replies and insights. You're all being so good to me 

We talked over dinner tonight. It appears we still had some communication issues that caused some tangled and hurt feelings.

Dani felt that I meant that she needed to basically be ready for full time before starting hormones and I can see how she interpreted what I said that way. That's not what I meant and I had more success explaining that I just wanted her to have some experience so that not everything was "new" when she walked out the door as female. Once Dani realized what I meant, she was in agreement on this. *Whew!*

She also admitted that she hasn't done much future planning because she thought that I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. I thought she understood I was ready for the next steps. Once we ironed out that yes, I am ready to talk about future stuff and what comes next, talking got a lot easier.

So we're still ironing out communication issues, it seems.

I did have to directly ask her about when her therapist appointment was though. I'd have thought she'd be caroling from the hills about it Ah, well. She did say she felt out of sorts with me after talking last night, so I suppose I can forgive her. It's mid-September.

So I feel less like a Mean Mom now and more of a partner again. Yay! (I don't wanna be a mom!)

The big obstacle now is the fact that I don't have a job. Without a job it hampers us moving to our own place, which hampers Dani really doing anything. *sigh* I hate feeling like I'm holding her back, even though I'm not doing it on purpose and she isn't blaming me.

Things are looking up

WR

[Rachel]

Thanks again everyone for the replies and insights. You're all being so good to me 

We talked over dinner tonight. It appears we still had some communication issues that caused some tangled and hurt feelings.

Dani felt that I meant that she needed to basically be ready for full time before starting hormones and I can see how she interpreted what I said that way. That's not what I meant and I had more success explaining that I just wanted her to have some experience so that not everything was "new" when she walked out the door as female. Once Dani realized what I meant, she was in agreement on this. *Whew!*

She also admitted that she hasn't done much future planning because she thought that I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. I thought she understood I was ready for the next steps. Once we ironed out that yes, I am ready to talk about future stuff and what comes next, talking got a lot easier.

So we're still ironing out communication issues, it seems.

I did have to directly ask her about when her therapist appointment was though. I'd have thought she'd be caroling from the hills about it Ah, well. She did say she felt out of sorts with me after talking last night, so I suppose I can forgive her. It's mid-September.

So I feel less like a Mean Mom now and more of a partner again. Yay! (I don't wanna be a mom!)

The big obstacle now is the fact that I don't have a job. Without a job it hampers us moving to our own place, which hampers Dani really doing anything. *sigh* I hate feeling like I'm holding her back, even though I'm not doing it on purpose and she isn't blaming me.

Things are looking up

WR

At least your moving forward and working things out, the more you talk the better.

[Jordan]

I say Print this whole thread out and ask her to read it, because I cannot believe how incredibly willing and supporting you are of this woman, if she only knew what a AMAZINGLY understanding woman you are, and how lucky she is to have you....

Also You have really layed out everything you want to address, and the specifics of what you are thinking about.

Alot of times those things are soooo hard to put into words, but you have done it so well in your writing.

IDK again best of luck to you both.

[Rachel]

I say Print this whole thread out and ask her to read it, because I cannot believe how incredibly willing and supporting you are of this woman, if she only knew what a AMAZINGLY understanding woman you are, and how lucky she is to have you....

Also You have really layed out everything you want to address, and the specifics of what you are thinking about.

Alot of times those things are soooo hard to put into words, but you have done it so well in your writing.

IDK again best of luck to you both.

Dani has probably taken a look already, I would not doubt it.

[NicholeW.]

Dani's excitement and her sense of non-rationality about process are simply pretty common among the transitioners I've known and known about. It's very easy to think that "this changes everything and all will be well." And, hopefuy it will and it will.

But, there is that very impirtant ingredient that for now it sounds as if you are providing, WR. She really does need to make some considerations about how this is going to be handled and how it will affect her work and relationships. At the very least she needs to look at that kinda stuff.

The absolute last thing she needs to do is to imagine, even in her deepest heart-of-hearts, that a change-over of estrogen for testosterone in her body is going to somehow make everything totally different.

Your practicality needs to be heard and understood by this girl. Goddess knows there are enough truns and twists of plot that will arise in even the best and most thoroughly planned transitions. No one can "be ready" for all of those, but one can make plans and preparations that may very well save themselves from suicide and depressions that can result from plans gone awry or no plans at all.

Try to maintain the "voice of reason" for she's going to need that from someone she trusts and respects: you. I very much feel for the way doing so makes you feel; but at some point I think she will see that you aren't a hinderance, but an invaluable aid to making sure "she doesn't fail at this."

I have the deepest respect for you. What you are doing requires an extraordinary love and committment. Any woman or man would be blessed to have you in her or his entourage for anything in their lives.

Love,

Nichole

[iFindMeHere]

Dani is a very wonderful woman. She's my best friend, lover, partner...it's so hard to describe in words what I feel when I think of her. All I know is that if she left, I'd have a huge hole in my life that I don't know if it would ever heal. I don't know if I can explain it, but staying through Dani's transition is so much more than just the vows that said "for better or for worse". It's about friendship - friends don't leave when the other is having a tough time. That's when people need friends the most. Partners help pull the load during good times, willingly shoulder all of it during bad times, and help their partner regain their footing. Lovers do just because. No strings attached. Love doesn't have strings or counter or debts. It's not the best explanation, but I'm having a hard time finding the right words to explain what I feel.

When Dani decided to go ahead with transition this time, I saw a person I hadn't seen in nearly 10 years. I saw the person I fell in love with again. I don't want that person to leave again.

Thank you all so much! 

It's called "Love?" 

~Lane

[Katelynne]

i had some similar feelings with my SO started to fully actuate her transition.  when we started spending time together, i learned more about her being trans and got a better understanding of what that meant.  i made the educated decision to be with her anyway.  she makes me happier than anyone that i've ever been with, even considering all the added stresses of having a trans partner.
i am totally supportive as much of the time as i can be.

the day she went to the endo and got her first 'scrip for hormones she came running upstars where i was getting ready to go to work.  she was so happy.  she just came in to grab a couple things and then head to the pharmacy.  after she left, i cried.  not because i didn't want for her to go through with it but because i knew that this was the start of something and also the end of something.  even though it is a really stressful time for her and i totally understand that, it's also sort of stressful for me.
i also have the fear that i am going to support her through all of this-we even have discussions of me going to thailand for her srs-and after it's all said and done she is going to have the confidance to go out and find someone better.  questioning self worth and esteem isn't saved just for the transitioner.

all i can say is hang in there.  it sounds like dani is pretty lucky to have you around.  just keep your chin up and remember that whatever insecurities you're feeling, dani is probably feeling them 10 fold.
i know it's diffacult, but it's probably worth it too.

[Rachel]

i had some similar feelings with my SO started to fully actuate her transition.  when we started spending time together, i learned more about her being trans and got a better understanding of what that meant.  i made the educated decision to be with her anyway.  she makes me happier than anyone that i've ever been with, even considering all the added stresses of having a trans partner.
i am totally supportive as much of the time as i can be.

the day she went to the endo and got her first 'scrip for hormones she came running upstars where i was getting ready to go to work.  she was so happy.  she just came in to grab a couple things and then head to the pharmacy.  after she left, i cried.  not because i didn't want for her to go through with it but because i knew that this was the start of something and also the end of something.  even though it is a really stressful time for her and i totally understand that, it's also sort of stressful for me.
i also have the fear that i am going to support her through all of this-we even have discussions of me going to thailand for her srs-and after it's all said and done she is going to have the confidance to go out and find someone better.  questioning self worth and esteem isn't saved just for the transitioner.

all i can say is hang in there.  it sounds like dani is pretty lucky to have you around.  just keep your chin up and remember that whatever insecurities you're feeling, dani is probably feeling them 10 fold.
i know it's diffacult, but it's probably worth it too.

Well said.

To all of you SO's, I need to say again my own appreciation, because it is those like you who want to try to stay with their partner that make this world a better place.  You aren't giving up on your love just because the going gets tough, and your transitioning SO's I know appreciate it.  Well at least I know I would appreciate such love and devotion with no conditions.  That is the true form of love, unconditional.

I am glad though that I have never had anyone so that I couldn't hurt them with this change, I would never want to do that to someone I love.  Hell, its hard enough with my parents, much less an SO tossed into the mix.

[Windrider]

It's called "Love?" 

~Lane

Yay! Someone got what I was trying to say!


Katelynne: Thanks so much I know the physical transformations will probably be the most difficult for me, but I am comfortable with Dani's current "plan" (for lack of a better word) of how she'd like to progress. The hurdle now is me getting a job so we *can* progress. *sigh*

Rachel:   

[Jordan]

To all the SO's on this board:

Where were you all like four months AGO!!!

If i could get my wife to come on here (she is already registered) could you please talk to her?

I know she desperatly needs to speak to another in her situation...

[Windrider]

To all the SO's on this board:

Where were you all like four months AGO!!!

If i could get my wife to come on here (she is already registered) could you please talk to her?

I know she desperatly needs to speak to another in her situation...

Well, 4 months ago, Dani was still in denial However, I would be delighted to talk to your wife. I'm also on the #SOTalk chat if she'd like to talk to me there.

WR