Cutting

[Arch]

Cutting may seem like a big release but it's not. That's why people keep coming back for more.

Not to be obnoxious, but please don't speak for other people in this way. Cutting helped me somewhat when I was younger. I'm not saying that it was altogether good or that it wasn't harmful in any way, but it did give me a certain release. It was very much like an orgasm (which many people feel is the ultimate release). When I cut, my anxiety decreased. I paid a smaller price in shame, but the transaction was a net gain, at least in the short term.

Insert into your statement any activity that is considered healthy (and therefore free of negative bias), and the assertion makes no sense: "Daily exercise may seem like a big release but it's not. That's why people keep coming back for more." "Orgasm may seem like a big release but it's not. That's why people keep coming back for more." Uh, no.

Anxiety builds, and people find ways to decrease it. One reason (not, admittedly, the only one) that I came back for more cutting was that eventually my tension built up again, which it is wont to do from time to time. Another reason is that I felt good after, and sometimes even during, cutting. So I came back for that. Other people may have other reasons and get other effects from it. But I feel that the effect should not be automatically invalidated just because it is temporary.

[PanoramaIsland]

Not to be obnoxious, but please don't speak for other people in this way. Cutting helped me somewhat when I was younger. I'm not saying that it was altogether good or that it wasn't harmful in any way, but it did give me a certain release. It was very much like an orgasm (which many people feel is the ultimate release). When I cut, my anxiety decreased. I paid a smaller price in shame, but the transaction was a net gain, at least in the short term.

Insert into your statement any activity that is considered healthy (and therefore free of negative bias), and the assertion makes no sense: "Daily exercise may seem like a big release but it's not. That's why people keep coming back for more." "Orgasm may seem like a big release but it's not. That's why people keep coming back for more." Uh, no.

Anxiety builds, and people find ways to decrease it. One reason (not, admittedly, the only one) that I came back for more cutting was that eventually my tension built up again, which it is wont to do from time to time. Another reason is that I felt good after, and sometimes even during, cutting. So I came back for that. Other people may have other reasons and get other effects from it. But I feel that the effect should not be automatically invalidated just because it is temporary.

This makes sense to me. I won't judge one way or the other, but it seems perfectly plausible that cutting could be a very powerful release, and possibly even quite helpful. Probably a circumstantial distinction.

[V M]

I'm not a cutter, but have had friends who are. I won't assume to understand it either

I'm naturally clumsy enough to not need to purposely harm myself... Although I often think about stabbing myself to death... But that's another subject

However I did reach across to get something from the dish drainer and accidentally got a steak knife stuck in my arm. I felt it strike against the bone and found that interesting... Pulled the knife out and watched my arm bleed awhile

Other times I've accidentally cut myself I've been fascinated by it...

Watching it bleed and walking down a street watching it bleed down my arm and flicking the blood off my finger tips onto the sidewalk

It was all good fun until I woke up in the ER because I'd nearly bled to death

[spacial]

Can I just say, as loud as I can. PLEASED DON'T USE SUPERGLUE TO MEND CUT SKIN.

If you must cut, make sure use use something clean.

Wash the cut after, in cold running water.

Dry with toilet paper or something absorbent and clean.

Put an end of a short piece of medical tape on one side of the cut and pull the cut together before pressing down.

The only way for a cut to heal is to draw it together with nothing inside. Any germs and an infection will set in.

I appreciate that midwives might use superglue, but they are not using it that way. The cuts they repair are completely different. And those cuts are bathed in female hormones, developed over millions of years to repair such damage very quickly.

[Arch]

When I first started this thread, I looked all over for a better forum. Addictions seemed like the best choice.

[V M]

That's a form or part of it in my opinion. I've watched myself bleeding, also fascinated. Dangerous stuff.
Just the mental picture of walking down the street and flicking blood...... Almost makes me want to cut deep. But I won't. I don't need another trip to the psyche unit. They just don't understand it in there.

Yeah, I guess some folks felt a bit disturbed by that... Particularly when I would pause to draw a smiley face with the blood... They did have a psych. question me about it at the hospital 

[gothique11]

I'm a cutter. It's very difficult to explain. I usually go into depersonalization mode and don't even remember all the cuts I've made. I don't get a rush or anything. It's like all of the mental pain turns into physical.

I also pull my hair out -- Trichotillomania.

In a way, for me at least, both are like tics and impulses, that are hard to control and many times you're not even in control.

My cuts are mostly on my legs, and people rarely see them. I never show them off. Many people don't know about it. People know about my hair 'cause they'll see me twisting and pulling my hair without me realize I'm doing it. I pull out chunks of hair out sometimes. I hate doing it so much. I'm in therapy and I'm on several meds to help.

I also have mild tourette's and other tics. With the tourettes, I just tell people that I come with sound effects 'cause I'll kinda twitch and make some kinda weird sound, click, or make a throat clearing sound, combined with blinking, squinting my eyes, a weird smile, and a bit of a twitch or other movement.

It's sad, 'cause people make fun of others with tourettes and other tics, just as they make fun of cutters. (the idea that someone with tourettes constantly swearing is pretty rare, and is a complex tic that doesn't happen often unless the person is really stressed).

I rarely talk about my tics or my 'cause they are embarrassing to me. 

[Arch]

I also pull my hair out -- Trichotillomania.

Wow, I used to do this when I was a kid. For a long time, I couldn't control it. At least I thought I couldn't. But then my mother noticed and took me to the doctor. She thought my hair was falling out, and I was too embarrassed to contradict her. After that, I worked hard to control the urge. I managed to break the habit, but I eventually replaced it with something else.

[spacial]

Cutting like most behaviours, will be controlled when you are ready.

I use to have several repetitive behaviours, one was to repeatedly open my mouth very wide, another was to twist my shoulders around. I still get the urge to do these. I now have arthritus in my neck, so it can be quite painful to move my shoulders too much, but the strange satisfaction is occasionally more compelling than the pain.

Cutting is, perhaps, more dramatic because it is associated with suicide. Though, of course, it has nothing to do with suicide at all. Terms such as self harming are a nonsense as this can include smoking or driving too fast. It might even include spending too much time on your computer!!

Though, I think, perhaps, the most annoying thing is when someone catches you and goes into one of those contrived panics, asking you why you want to do that, do you want to die? Dragging you off to the Dr or worse, some quack psychotherapist getting her rocks off by asking you stupid questions.

[Doveglion]

I used to be really bad when it came to cutting I remember at some point I didn't even just do it to ease pain I just felt I had to or something awful would happen. It's really hard for people to understand because all they think about is the physical pain, but I found it to be an even better release for emotional pain then crying which back then I never did because of the cutting. I've never been into crying in private or around other people. I know now all it was doing was causing me to bury more and more feelings but back then it just made sense.

A few people knew and expressed what I was doing was hurting them, but I think at the time that was part of it's charm because I knew even though they hurt me I hurt myself far worse then they ever could. I cut all over my body, but the only places people saw were my arms which I tried to avoid cutting because I knew if anyone at school noticed I would be in serious trouble. I never cared enough about myself or other people to bother to stop. I tried to get help a couple of times, but my parents didn't want to admit that their perfect 'daughter' wasn't so perfect and wouldn't bring me to get help so I continued doing it on a daily basis until about a year ago.

I had dated plenty of people when I was cutting all of whom new and all of whom tried to stop me telling me stuff like "Anytime you feel like you need to cut just imagine they're my limbs and not yours." or my favorite "Go buy a happy meal and get over it emo kid." Most of them were emotionally abusive I don't think I even really loved them, but I felt I needed something or someone to hold onto.

When I met Mon I was a total wreck and wasn't even attempting to change my ways. She for some odd misguided reason fell in love with me and I fell in love with her. I remember the night before she asked me to be with her I was in the bathroom at it again except this time I had taken a bunch of pain pills before hand and was bleeding a lot more then I ever had when cutting. If I remember correctly I was set off by an ex of mine that was literally stalking me. I didn't tell Mon about this, but the next time I talked to her she expressed her feelings when it came to cutting because apparently her ex was trying to guilt trip her into getting back with him by threatening to cut if she didn't. For the first time I actually felt guilty about what I'd done and I promised myself if she gave me the chance I would become the best person I could for her. We did end up getting together it was only two months, but it was the first time ever I even came close to getting my head straight. She taught me that emotions weren't the enemy and that I could come to someone if I was hurting that bad. Even though we aren't together anymore I still come to her if I need someone to talk to.

I relapsed about two months ago, but it was different then all the other times I had done it, it just hurt it had no effect on my emotional pain. I don't know what that means, but it can't be anything bad. I think I'll always have the thoughts but the fact the actual action no longer has the effect it used to has to be some sort of good sign.

[Arch]

Though, I think, perhaps, the most annoying thing is when someone catches you and goes into one of those contrived panics, asking you why you want to do that, do you want to die? Dragging you off to the Dr or worse, some quack psychotherapist getting her rocks off by asking you stupid questions.

Gah. That's sort of what happened to me when a friend reported me to the school authorities. I thought I could trust my boyfriend, but he told her and she ratted on me. What a fiasco. I still get pissed off when I think about it.

Of course, I did have lots of suicidal thoughts back then, but this was cutting, not a suicide attempt.

[brainiac]

I used to cut through middle school and high school, when I was very depressed and anxious. Cutting was a way to just get out of the horrible loops that were going on in my head, as there was nothing to focus on but the pain. It was also a way for me to punish myself, since I hated myself and my body, and one tiny thing I had control over when I felt like I couldn't control anything else.

After years of this, and then therapy, I think what truly made me stop was seeing my mother cry-- this wasn't just hurting me, it was really deeply hurting my family.

I very rarely feel the impulse to do it anymore, but I do admit that there have been times where I wanted to do it after accidentally hurting my boyfriend emotionally. I've held off, though, and talked with him instead. I do occasionally pinch myself or dig my nails into my palms to keep my anxiety in check, but that's become rare as well.

[BloodLeopard]

Man, this hasn't been posting in a while, but I feel like it's really important to show that people aren't alone. Mostly I feel a bit frightened because I'm always scared if I talk about it, I'll want to do so.

For me, cutting was a way to punish myself for being so weird and unwanted. I also had well, still do, a fetish for blood and would revel in it and just, be happy from it.

The only reason why I stopped is because my mate told me to. It's been better since I don't have chances of infection, plus it would hurt really bad, and I would always get looks or bad words passed toward me because I wouldn't try to hide them.

I'm a cutter. It's very difficult to explain. I usually go into depersonalization mode and don't even remember all the cuts I've made. I don't get a rush or anything. It's like all of the mental pain turns into physical.

In a way, for me at least, both are like tics and impulses, that are hard to control and many times you're not even in control.

I also have mild tourette's and other tics. With the tourettes, I just tell people that I come with sound effects 'cause I'll kinda twitch and make some kinda weird sound, click, or make a throat clearing sound, combined with blinking, squinting my eyes, a weird smile, and a bit of a twitch or other movement.

It's sad, 'cause people make fun of others with tourettes and other tics, just as they make fun of cutters. (the idea that someone with tourettes constantly swearing is pretty rare, and is a complex tic that doesn't happen often unless the person is really stressed).

I rarely talk about my tics or my 'cause they are embarrassing to me. 

I really feel for you. I hate the fact people make fun really of anyone with some sort of disorder. I know what you mean by it being automatic, I got to a point in life i did it because I was bored and it felt really good.

I hate it because those people are the ones giving you reason to be embarrassed. You shouldn't be. It's something you have to deal with, not some sort of joke- those people are the ones who have the more serious mental/physical issue. Ones who are so insecure they can only be secure by preying on others? I find that the worst thing of all, yet people think it normal. That's the scary part.

[ativan]

Wow....->-bleeped-<-.....I even deleted my old posts from this thread. I forgot I still had the notification still on. Posting and reading others posts finally got to me so bad. The overwhelming need to cut was getting out of control.

So I just had to go back and read the posts from you all. I was doing so good, I even bought an Xacto knife for a project. I've come so far in the last year, I think I have my GID at least reasonably under control, I've run the course and will be getting the HRT that I want maybe as soon as a month (another minor test, some blood work, and I'm there!).

But my anxiety has been running really high for the last couple months, with it getting worse each week it seems. Ativan....Hah! I'm on a big dose of Klonopin 2x a day and the ativan as back up for when I reallly freak.

Ooooh, just a little cut. Right up my thigh. nobody will notice, and it'll stop bleeding by morning. I have enough gauze and tape.....
This is tough, my mind is made up. ->-bleeped-<- I hate myself. ->-bleeped-<- i hate myself my ->-bleeped-<-ing self  ->-bleeped-<- me myself i

[Mrs Erocse]

People are unkind and ignorant many times. Loving who you are is important. Each individual that is a minority of any type....(transgender is one type) needs to respect themselves and appreciate their uniqueness. You have to be the first to show respect to yourself and set an example for others. The world may be slow. You must not be. This is your life. Enjoy who you are. Laugh at yourself. Let your heart out of that bird cage of a chest and let it be free to love you. Being unique is an amazing thing. (admitted not always easy) but amazing.  When you feel life is too stressful  and the pain is  just too great, put on your favorite party music and make yourself dance and sing to the songs loudly until it passes. That is a happy form of exercise. Celebrate who you are!

Just do it God Damn it!!!  (Pardon the language please  )

Many, Many, Many Big Hugs

Mrs Erocse.

[ativan]

Thank You for the kind words, I know you're trying to help.

The feelings and need to cut run deeper than any words I have.
I did have the blade out, I was staring at all the places I needed to cut.
I also took way to many (but not to many) ativan to unstress. They usually work with in a few minutes, but it seemed to take much longer.
Anyways, I kept thinking that somebody cared (You), and as the meds started to work, I just put everything back, cried some and fell asleep.
Thank You for caring, Thank You.

Ativan

[BloodLeopard]

The feelings and need to cut run deeper than any words I have.
I did have the blade out, I was staring at all the places I needed to cut.
I also took way to many (but not to many) ativan to unstress. They usually work with in a few minutes, but it seemed to take much longer.

Trust me Ativan, I understand the feelings. Right now I'm going to through another rough time, and my mind goes right back to doing it to make me feel like a release, to feel like I'm living, but I know in the end-- it won't and I'll just break a promise.

Try to be careful with the medicine, OD'ing is not fun at all. Perhaps trying to find other things to do, what hobbies do you have?

[Arch]

Ativan, I hope you get to a good place soon. The thing is, people rarely arrive there as if by magic; they often have to drag themselves there. Sometimes by their fingernails. Sometimes kicking and screaming. Maybe, occasionally, with chemical help for those times when they can't make any movement. The important thing is to get there, and not give up.

[ativan]

I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation
You're living in the past it's a new generation
A girl can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do
An' I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation
Oh no, not me

An' I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation
Never said I wanted to improve my station
An' I'm only doin' good when I'm havin' fun
An' I don't have to please no one
An' I don't give a damn 'Bout my bad reputation
Oh no, not me

I don't give a damn 'Bout my reputation
I've never been afraid of any deviation
An' I don't really care if ya think I'm strange
I ain't gonna change An' I'm never gonna care 'Bout my bad reputation
Oh no, not me

An' I don't give a damn 'Bout my reputation
The world's in trouble there's no communication
An' everyone can say what they want to say
It never gets better anyway
So why should I care 'Bout a bad reputation anyway
Oh no, not me

I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation
You're living in the past it's a new generation
An' I only feel good when I got no pain
An' that's how I'm gonna stay
An' I don't give a damn 'Bout my bad reputation
Oh no, not me
Not me, not me

It's been my stepping off, jumping off, go forward when you don't know what's over that hill, pedal to the metal and the throttle is full tilt, yeah I know it's gonna hurt or kill me song. I just listen to it over and over till I feel better. I scare the boys and the girls won't talk to me. Least not till I shut the ignition off.
Thanks Arch, truly you know...

[Mrs Erocse]

I am glad  you didn't cut last night. We do care. I know that I am a strange bird but I wish good things for you. I hope you have a Merry Christmas. I hope you see something that makes you smile. Eat something that pleases you. And listen to something that makes you feel good.

Many Hugs.
Good Nite.
Mrs. Erocse