Ok so unfortunately my life is pretty much over. I came out to my father after coming out to everyone else in my family and I saved telling him for last because its his reaction that pretty much determines my fate. Well things havent gone as planned and he wishes I was never born. He completely hates me, wants to beat me up but said he wont if I fully become / act a man, and I have one week to prove to him how sorry I am for my shameful act of ever even considering me being a woman. He is scaring me and I cant go to sleep at night because I'm afraid he will hurt me, and some things have happened I dont want to say on this board but I am traumatized and scared and I dont know what to do. Im only 18, I just started college, I have no money, and I am so depressed. I was going to start hormones after telling my father but now the opposite is happening. He had one of his doctor friends come over, let me talk to him privately, and then the doctor of his wants to prescribe me testosterone to make me a man. Yes I know, these people know absolutely nothing about GID, TS, TG, or pretty much life in general. Oh and I forgot to add I am middle eastern and that is why this is such a BIG deal in my family. You know the very strict and disciplined men you see on tv in iraq? Yes, that is whymy father is taking this so hard and issues like this over there end in death immediately for the person. That is why he is making is such a big deal and everything is in chaos because he says I will shame the family name to our relatives, and in our culture, to shame the family name means it was better if you were never born.
You wanna know the funny thing? I kind of have proof too of why I might be TG well I guess then that makes me intersex. I had labwork done and a karyotype, and it shows I naturally have a ton of estrogen, low testosterone, and not an XY karyotype. Of course when I told my dad this he said the doctors are liars, say what you pay them to say, and he will never ever trust what stupid doctors have to say. He said he will never believe me, wishes I was never born, that I have torn the family apart, and ruined everything. In my opinion, he is making this a much bigger issue than it needs to be.
Anyways, I am numb right now from everything. From the names he called me, the fear of being beaten severely, losing my mom, being homeless, and the fear of being force-fed testosterone. I am having panic attacks and anxiety + tears. I dont know what to do. I wish someone would just save me. I am so strong though that I know suicide will never be an option even though some in my position probably would have done it already. I am not going to let my selfish and bad father take me life away. But what do I do? He wants me to completely change to a man and honestly if I could act like one I would do it but I cant. I dont have the low voice, the manly walk, the want to socialize with men in front of my father, or the want to go to a gym and work out my arms and who knows what else.
I am unsure of what to do. I am just so drained emotionally and physically right now. I mean hey its like who cares I have been suffering in being in the wrong gender body all my life, thats not what HE cares about. He doesnt see the pain I am going through. But now on top of that, I have a thousand more issues. Im typing this out of desperation and a need for some helpful words or something. Honestly, what is a young girl to do when all the walls are closing in on her? I just want someone to pick me up and take me away, far far away.
