How to handle the homophobic out-to-save-your-soul parent?

[Nero]

Well, in the midst of my drunken blackout last week, the week before, whenever it was, I apparently called my Dad up at 3 am and came out to him as trans.
I only know this happened because he called my Mom to confirm this. They talked a bit and he's convinced I can't be trans because I'm not lesbian. Told her he loves me no matter what though.

So, first off, he's going to try to convince me I'm not trans because of my sexual orientation. Clearly only lesbians are trans.
Then, he'll switch into must-save-daughter's-soul mode.

I'm pretty sure he won't disown me but I guess this is just going to be one of those things where we agree to disagree but the relationship is going to be really strained (in his mind anyway).
Because he will never come around (he thinks homosexuality is caused by demons).

Oh well. I couldn't go on much longer without him knowing anyway.

[mickie88]

i'm sorry to here that hun. my estranged sibling has sent me some of those letters.

one, i thought you liked girls?

two maybe they can get together and perform an excorsism on us to cast out those demons?


tho, since i'm a lesbian, i'd rather much prefer to be inhabited...lol

especially if she's a cute lil devil 


Warrior Princess Mickie

[Sarah Louise]

There isn't much you can say or do.  You smile, try not to give him any unnecessary things to attack, and live your life.

...thank you, I appreciate your concern, but I have to live my life as I feel is correct for me...

What else is there to say.


Sarah L.

[Arch]

Yikes. Is he planning to bombard you with literature, come around to your house and harass you, and/or have you "deprogrammed" or exorcised? Because if so, then he's getting in your face, and that's not cool. You will need to politely set boundaries. You may be his child, but you are an adult. Your life is your life.

Are you planning to stick to your guns and be out all the way? It might be possible to dissuade him if you sort of backpedal and act as if you're less sure of yourself than you seemed to be when you were loaded. But I don't know if you want to do that--or even if you are able to do that.

I know that some parents become less hostile when their trans children go into therapy. I guess the parents think that the therapist will set the child straight, so to speak. But if your father believes that homosexuality is caused by demons, does he believe the same thing about transsexuality? Because if that's the case, he might not think much of the therapy route.

If he were planning to be hands-off about all of this, I'd say give him some space, some time, and a good trans book. But if he's going to invade your space and actively try to change you, then you need to take steps. Perhaps very unpleasant steps.

I hope someone else chimes in. I'm at a loss.

[Suzy]

Tell him you already believe and that you are already saved.  Not much he can do to argue with that without making himself look very judgmental.

Kristi

[Jay]

I'm pretty sure he won't disown me

Told her he loves me no matter what though.

Answered your own question on that one.

Its only natural for parents to try and protect there daughters/sons. Thats maybe what he is doing. He oversly doesn't know much about trans folk. Can you not try and educate him in the simplist way?

[Nero]

I'm pretty sure he won't disown me

Told her he loves me no matter what though.

Answered your own question on that one.

Its only natural for parents to try and protect there daughters/sons. Thats maybe what he is doing. He oversly doesn't know much about trans folk. Can you not try and educate him in the simplist way?

Well, I'd have to somehow divorce it from homosexuality in his mind. Right now I think he just views transgender as a form of extreme homosexuality.

[Alyssa M.]

Hey Nero,

I'd give him a chance. Maybe he won't do what you said. I know of a couple of cases of very conservative parents who at first were shocked and horrified that one of their children was trans -- but then coming around to being very supportive afterwards. Some fundies are very loyal people who realize that their devotion to family comes before their misguided morals, even if they've acted like jerks in the past. That he "loves you no matter what" is the most important thing, if he understands what that means.

My parents are outwardly supportive largely, I think, because they are nice upstanding educated liberals. Their sense that being supportive is the right thing to do makes them suppress their obvious shame and horror, rather than deal with it. So maybe your family situation is better than it seems.

~Alyssa

[sneakersjay]

My mother was initially supportive, but there was that underlying current of what will extended family/friends/neighbors think?!

At first it was, well, at least you're not gay.  Now it's well, it would have been easier if you WERE gay.

She doesn't understand.  I get that.  I've given her info, links, books, which I'm sure she's NOT read.  Now I'm getting the well, you'd better pray about this.  God made you a woman and you shouldn't change that, all dripping with mom-induced guilt.

We've never been close; at first she really wanted to get close to me again, but now she's pushing me away with all of her bull->-bleeped-<-, the same bull->-bleeped-<- that pushed me away from her my whole life.  Oh well, her loss, really.  She doesn't get how having a gender/body mismatch can be so debilitating.

I'm still looking for that perfect religious argument to throw at her, but mostly I just ignore her.

Jay

[Snowdoggy]

My mum and dad aren't religious but my dad's reaction was pretty extreme. I was 16/17 when he first found out I was having a relationship with a girl. He basically punched me in the face, told me to get in the car and he took me out to a restaurant (this was because one of my aunties was staying over and he wanted her kept out of it all). On the way there he told me that it was all my mum's fault as she used to be a lesbian (which is a complete lie), then proceeded to hold my hand in the restaurant which got lots of worried looks off other diners as I looked like a young lad. I pointed this out to him and he did admit that it did look like he was an old man holding the hand of a young lad which would have caused concern to adults, particularly as I was outwardly quite distressed at the time.

I think a lot of what the problem is with parents of a certain age (they are about 70 years old now) is that they don't know how to deal with this situation (they thought I was a lesbian at the time) even if they aren't religious.

This relationship lasted 2-3 years and we had a mortgage together and me dad was great about it mostly. Then we spilt I got into a relationship with a guy and we were together for 12 years. The gender dysphoria never went during this time and it used to cause a lot of arguments between me and this guy (who was bi). When I eventually told my dad that I had gender dysphoria he told me boyfriend that I was a frustrated lesbian. I phoned him and had a massive row, he denied he had ever said this to my partner so i just told him that in my eyes he didn't even exist anymore.

I was about 33 then and had just had enough. He said he'd never accept me as a son and kept calling me by my previous name and using female pronouns. He smoked and drank very heavily and his health deteriorated so I started going round and trimming their hedge etc. I had (and still have) a very strong relationship and a good family so was strong and just did what needed doing and made sure my mum was ok as I was worried he was taking it out on her. I was lucky that my sister supported me fully through transition.

Anyhow to cut a (very) long story short he now calls me "our jack" to his sister and she was another one who was majorly against me going through with my transition. I still getting the "sheing" and "hering" business but he is trying which I never thought he ever would. Basically he was starting to look like a bit of a pillock calling me by a female name in public when I have a goatee and a voice similar to Barry White.

I think a lot of it comes down to time. It's taken 5 years for him to get his head round my dysphoria and it's still nowhere near comfortable. It was my mum's 70th 2 weeks ago and I found at times when I looked across at him he was staring at me but he didn't look disgusted or angry, just puzzled and maybe interested.

Well done if you are still reading this post at this point and hope it helps.

John

[tekla]

I'm still looking for that perfect religious argument to throw at her

"I do not believe in god.  I do not believe that your concept exists, or has ever existed, and until you can prove it to me I'm not going to base my life on what some imaginary friend has to say."  It's worked for me, there is not much of a comeback to that.  I don't believe in god, is pretty much, argument over.

[pennyjane]

it's a wierd world.  if my "daughter" called me up in a drunken stuper and told me "she" was trans.....i think the drunken stuper would scare me a whole lot more then the trans...oh...well, maybe that's 'cause i'm trans...but...wow!  still seems strange.

anyway, like has been said, you can't control how other people think and act, all you can do is be the best you can be, love them and never abandon them.  God bless with...

[icontact]

My father's like that. I'm not exactly sure how he feels about trans-folk though, as I haven't come out as trans, just as a lesbian. But mainly when he tries to go "homosexuality doesn't exist, it's just experimenting, a substitute for lost parental love, etc" I just say I don't care if I'm going to hell and I don't care if it's sinful or if I'm going to destroy myself. Pretty much ends the argument right there. It's completely honest too, I really don't care if the bible-thumpers are right and I will burn for this.

[Aiden]

Ironically the one person who isn't totally religious in my family is the one who I have the most trouble with regarding the issue.  My father.  When I first came out he told me that he and my stepmother wern't completely surprised.  He asked me a bunch of questions, mainly sexual orientation ones.

Next thing I know though a month later he starts to get at my throat about his this is wrong and I am not trans and all this.  And how it is to close to being gay in his mind and he will never except it.  He also started lying to me about other people's reactions to this and stuff he said he had heard from them.

Now its to point I have shut off most contact and talking with him, had to to keep my sanity and be able to move on.  I'm hoping that once I get further into transition he will come around.  It hurt though, because he's been one of the most important figures in my life growing up even if some of his methods and ideas warped me emotionally in some ways.  And pissed me off.