"Are you a boy or a girl?"

[icontact]

So today I got asked this for the second time and thus, for the second time, I've realized that I don't know how to answer it. I bind, have what looks like a 5oclock mustache shadow, my ponytail can go either way, but I still use female locker rooms/bathrooms. It was a pretty stupid guy who asked so I just said, "I'm both," in a joking-except-not-really way. He just looked confused [which he always looks, he's just that slow] and dropped it.

I feel uncomfortable with really coming out of the closet. I don't mind telling people I'm transgender, but it doesn't feel like coming out unless I insist on proper pronouns and such, and I don't want to do that until I get a haircut. I'm not really sure why, I just don't feel it's fair to do that when I just look very ambiguous.

What exactly am I supposed to say?

[Arch]

I've always preferred the one-word answer. Either "yes" or "no."

When you do you plan to get that haircut?

[JonasCarminis]

usually i just tell people its complicated...  ive never really come up with something good to say back.  somehow i feel like im "lying" if i say im a guy.  but im definitely not a girl.

sorry im not really helping.... im in the same boat.

[James]

Hmmm... A few random thoughts...

If he's THAT dumb (grin) he might not have noticed which locker room/bathroom you use. Guys do sometimes ask other guys "Are you a guy or a girl?" when there's not actually any doubt about it in their mind, as a sort of backhanded way of calling him gay. It might be meant as a hostile challange to a (perceived) gay guy, or hostility towards a potential rival for the ladies. There are some dudes that just feel threatened by any guys who's "man-pretty". I've even seen it used as a test, a sort of "are you cool enough to take a little hazing" kind of thing.

Haircuts can be very symbolic, so it makes sense to me you'd feel that way, but I don't think the ponytail's necessarily too ambiguous. A lot of guys have ponytails (shrug), it's really more of a fashion choice. And you could always just take the scissors and cut it off.

There really isn't a "supposed", but if you feel you'll be physically safe, then I'd say just answer in way that's true to who you really are, not what the world expects you to be. Coming out... it's not as much about insisting on pronouns as carrying yourself with pride and dignity. I'm going to be patient with caring people who try but need many pronoun reminders to break the "she/her" habit, (my guy's trying hard, it's very cute really!) but those who do it continually out of nastiness, (shrug) I'd just tell 'em that since I expect the world to accept me for the man I am, I guess I ought to expect the world to accept them for the (explative deleted!) that they are.

I envy you actually... (sigh) at least people have doubt, and that would be a huge step forward to me. I've ordered my first binder, but even with that (shrug)... I'll prob need T, before I get that.

[Sephirah]

A few suggestions:

1. If I told you, I'd have to kill you.

2. Use your imagination.

3. Neither, I'm actually a highly advanced lifeform from the planet X-134-M17, but I'm in disguise here on this little planet. The human concept of gender is fascinating, if rather limiting.

4. I'm <your name>, pleased to meet you.

Probably best to go with #4.

[icontact]

Arch: As soon as I can. But I get the feeling my parents will have a major problem with me getting a haircut. So. Probably not for a few years as I won't be moving out for a while.

Chet: Well then, you can lurk this thread and maybe there will be a line you can use.

James: -pats- You don't need T to raise some doubt, I'm not on T. Have no idea where I got the shadow moustache though, it just kinda...grew. Not that I'm complaining or anything. Also, a huge factor is how you carry yourself and behave, rather than how you actually look. It's more of a subconscious thing that people don't really -notice- persay, but it greatly influences their analysis of your gender haha.

Leiandra: Those are really good haha. Thanks!

[trapthavok]

Diggin the new avatar bro! Beanies ftw 

Personally, I hate that question so I'm just mean enough to say "yes"

[James]

Thanks for the pat on the head (grin)! I've always carried myself in a masculine way but even when I dress as a guy too, it just seems "cute" to people. I don't look even look male enough for them to be hostile! I've just got a really femme build and features. Maybe I'll feel different when I get my binder, but these things are so big (looking at chest with a sigh) And I'm short, got a big butt, a little waist, a girly voice and birdy-little delicate bones...   (shrug) so I'll be a sissy-looking little gay guy. (grin) A proud one, though.

I thought of another insulting, annoying question actually I'm looking forward to! (grin) When a bunch of straight guys see two men together, you know how some smart-mouth's just got to ask "Which one's the girl?"....

[tekla]

"What's it to you?"

[icontact]

I thought of another insulting, annoying question actually I'm looking forward to! (grin) When a bunch of straight guys see two men together, you know how some smart-mouth's just got to ask "Which one's the girl?"....

Oh man, with my ex-girlfriend, it was like every day someone asked me if I was the man in the relationship. Next time I get asked that, I will firmly say YES.

[tekla]

that does not even begin to answer the question?  Did you support her?  Provide for her?  Were you the person bringing home the bacon.  Or were you just one more macho jerk thinking you get to call the shots when in fact, you brought little to nothing more to the relationship?  To be the man, you got to pay the bills, make the jack, provide and all that.  Otherwise its just a stupid power deal.

[icontact]

  Tekla, I think maybe you missed what I meant. I meant yes, I am a man. Regardless of who takes the male gender role.

[trannyboy]

I hate that question, my response was usually are you and smartass or a dumbass...

>-bleeped-<boy

[tekla]

Men provide.  My GF lives rent free, did you're GF?  Do you support her?  Do you provide for her?  Or do you just walk in and think since you feel you are male you get to call the shots?  He who pays the piper gets to call the tune.  Do you work?  Do you bring home enough for people to live on?  Or is the difference between you and a large pizza is that the pizza feeds four?  You know what I mean?  What is is you do?  Men do.  That's the deal.  Its not the dick, its the work.

[JonasCarminis]

umm.... wow... going off much?  wtf, he was making a joke.

plus, to say that stuff is to also say that only men provide.  you support your GF, youre aparently one hell of a MAN.

[James-Alen]

I have an androgynous friend and she always responds 'is it REALLY that important?' XD i just say guy in a low voice and walk off but i dont get asked much because strangers dont talk to me much i guess 

[tekla]

No, what makes me one hell of a man is that I put 2 kids through college.  Honor Role.  That's the real deal.  Paying rent is no big shakes.  And women look for people their are able to count on.  That's the other deal.  Fun is fun, and risk free games and sex are fine, but when you start playing for keeps, life looks a whole lot different.

[James-Alen]

I compare myself to a 'stray cat' a lot actually, i have a lot of love and affection to give to the right person that decides to take me home one of these years but for now i'm at large. settling down is in the unforeseeable future for me, but when i do i'm sure i'll do well.

[GQjoey]

My 2 previous gf's lived "rent free". I made enough to provide for us both, but expected for her to at least TRY to find a job. Wasn't enough I worked 40+ hours a week, bought all the food, and still took her out..alls I ever wanted was to come home to a clean place, no dishes, no mess to pick up. Long story short, she (both) were lazy, and I had choice but to be the MAN and kick them both the f*$# out

And one is trying to come back on a "I'll get a job and pay half" note, sorry beeeeeeeeeeeeeezy! You've been replaced.

As far as the "Are you a boy or girl" scenario, I haven't been asked in years, but I always said "I'm a boy..and you?". Or if you really want to be a jerk "How about I pull down my pants so you can suck my DICK". < Only used that once, and it was answered with a odd/confused/frightened stare.

[milliontoone]

I just felt I wanted to comment on something someone said earlier on about "MEN" being providers.

I honestly don't and never have looked at it in that way.  I personally really don't like constricting labels that say men must provide and women must do the dishes.  Who says either should or shouldn't do either? Why are they correct or incorrect?  Doesn't it depend on situation, the individual, personal choice and preference?  A woman may not want a man who provides, may feel personally insulted if she cannot be the one to bring home the bacon.  Does that make her partner any less of a "man" if he chooses to be with that person?
And what about gay guys?  They are both men after all or is one the real "MAN"?


I know that everyone on here is obviously going to have very differing views on how they conduct their lives and relationships but I mean come on in some way all of us on here are pushing the boundaries of what mainstream society considers "normal" whatever the heck that is and therefore I feel it makes sense for us to want to smash what are frankly suffocating gender stereotypes in my opinion.

You can argue that you can be trans/ androgyne/ whatever and still subscribe to the idea that there should only be traditional gender stereotypes that men or women behave in accordance to but what I would say to you and it is just my opinion, I'm not saying I'm right is that most of those same sterotypes would keep you (as a member of the trans community) down by default.
Those stereotypes, if adhered to would deny you the very right to be who you are.