Needing to Understand- Please Help

[TamTam]

Aaw!  So do you consider that a good thing, or..?

[SO13]

Once upon a time yes..I love him and have no doubt whatsoever that he loves me...because there are so many unanswered questions, I just don't want to be bamboozled...I read about that guy in Florida that was outed by a reporter...was pretty prominent in the community, married many years with a kid, was outed as a CD, then turns out he was ->-bleeped-<-....actually had his/her 15 of fame for quite sometime then had the surgery...if it stops at just CD, then yes I would marry him in a second...but I don't want to marry him just so he can have a "facade wife" so his family would never know...does this make sense?

[TamTam]

Your emotions make sense, yet I have to say, from what I've read here I feel like you have nothing to worry about.

But I think the only one who will be able to convince you of that is him.  If he seems open to answering your questions, keep asking until you are satisfied. At some point, though, you have to be able to trust him at his word.. because he is his own person, he is not that guy in Florida, he is him.

[pennyjane]

hi sweetie.  you know, i'm with tam tam here....it really doesn't sound as if you have anything to worry about.

i just want to point out from the perspective of a veteran who came home twice from war.  you change.  the world seems surreal to one coming from there to here.  one is amazed at all the things that have just been going on as normal while you were becoming perfectly acclimated to uncertainty and insanity.

i'm not saying it's so, but it can make one almost a different person.  what i mean is....all this is going to have to be dealt with too...his really well developed sence of uncertainty will come home with him.  please be kind and be patient...this can all work out for the best in the long run.  God bless with... 

[SO13]

Here is something that worked for me, so maybe it will help you.  Consider the last case scenario.  In this case, it is he is a transsexual who is coming to terms with himself/herself.  Now, really think about how that would make you feel.  Could you accept him as a her?  Could you still love him, and be sexually attracted to him as a her?  Even if you were no longer sexually compatible, could you still love him and have a fulfilling emotional marriage with him as a her?  These are huge questions, so take your time and really be honest with yourself about what you can and can't work with. 

There is a method to my madness, so hear me out.  I was always 3 steps behind, so just when I got used to one stage, I was informed of a more progressive one.  I'd get used to that stage, then BAM! Another stage, more progressive than the last.  I don't recommned that.  It hurts, and it's exhausting.  When Cami called me from the road home from her first therapist appointment and told me we really needed to talk, I finally threw up my hands and said, "Ok.  I am preparing for total SRS.  I am preparing to lose my husband.  I am preparing to gain something that will be even better, even though I may not know what that is yet."  When she came home and told me exactly that, it wasn't as bad as it could be because I had already been preparing myself for it.

No one but your husband can tell you where the "end point" for all of this is.  But if you consider the most extreme outcome, and you find within yourself that you could get through it together and make a happy and healthy life together, then no matter what he tells you, it can't go any farther than that.  So no matter what, you know you're prepared to hear whatever he has to tell you.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.  I can't possibly stress this enough.  If you get scared, you have to tell him that.  If he gets confused, he has to tell you that.  It's constant, and it has to be consistent. 

This is a rather personal question, and feel free to not answer if you choose, but how agressive are you in the bedroom normally?  If you say "Not very", then maybe the CD allows him to be the submissive partner instead of the dominant one.  Women are usually discouraged from being agressive, and men have it beat into them that the more aggressive the better.  It really could be something as simple as that.

As for Tekla's comment about humiliation being liberating, there's a term for it and of course, it just flew out of my head.  When there is sexual trauma, in some cases the victim enjoys re-enacting that trauma within a safe environment.  The change is in the power dynamic, and it's completely psychological, and it allows the victim a way of processing the trauma.  I maight not be explaining that well, but it oculd be one of those "you have to be there" kinda things.

I just don't know...I think the shock/novelty of it all is finally wearing off...The magnitude and ramifications of this situation is tearing me up...The worst part of all this is simply not knowing and no answers to any questions from the one who needs to answer them...In answer to your question, here's our relationship in a nutshell...(sorrry no pun intended).  When we first met we hit it right off..we took our time building a friendship before taking it to the next level..when we did, it was fantastic and I thought I had finally found the perfect mate in all ways...shortly after that, he went on a pre-planned vacation and implied that he was going alone..when he came back, our intimate life went straight to hell in a handbasket..litterally...I put up with it because at the time his reasons wear plausible and to be honest I have a major health issue that sometimes prevents me from..well..you get it..anyway, about 6 months later I found out quite by accident that when he went on his vacation, he went with another woman...kind of suggest a little infidelity don't ya think...I confronted him, he denied any sexual involvement, which I still don't believe if for no other reason when he came back, that's when the intimate part went straight to hell.  We worked through that although it is still a source of anger for me on some levels...Now in answer to your question, I am all things "the whore in the bedroom, the lady in the drawing room".  I had tried every course that I knew of to get him interested in me and still there was always a "reason" "why he wasn't in the mood". I actually gave up, because you can only be rejected so many times before you get to the point where you don't care anymore.  I had even asked him at one point if he was gay,( his sister is lesbian), he denied this..yet he went to a doctor to get some "help" . I know he was taking it cause I counted how many pills were in the bottle and I certainly wasn't on the recieving end of any benefit from it.. 12 pills per bottle, 1 left. Hmm... So now here we are, before deployment, intimacy sort of improved, not by much, but a little, he proposes and then leaves....I had already made up my mind that I could work with a lack of sex in the relationship..don't need it all the time, but certainly more than once every 4 or 5 months...he's gone, we chat every night. Come halloween I made an innocuous comment about a costume and bam! he outs himself as CD.  Now here we are..While initially I was fine with it and still am to a degree, perhaps I am latent Bi ..at any rate heteroflexible, but honestly, I really don't think I want to marry a woman, if indeed that is what he is...playing abit is fine and exciting, certainly spicy, but I don't think I can deal with the only way he can be turned on is by being dressed up as a woman..with a name even! God I wish I could just talk to someone...I am now totally freaking out..our last conversation, he kept going on and on and on about "her" and dressing for me and all the things he wants to do sexually and I am ..freaking out!!!  I simply don't know what to do....and just because that isn't enough, I can't even ask him detailed questions about how far this goes and when I have tried as gently as possible he blows me off. I am trying to be supportive and accepting, went so far as to even by clothes, shoes, wig and makeup (and what a challenge and adventure that was!), as well as wrote him a couple of letters of love, support and acceptance. I was ok with this when it appeared that it was private and a bit of "fantasy fun" but aparently it is much more, a whole other persona and a female at that with a name! ...how the hell can, am I suppose to accept this when every damn conversation since this began is now about "her".  Oh blessed universe..stop the world..I want off....

[TamTam]

Wow, it sounds as though there actually is a whole other level to this. Why does he blow you off when you ask questions?  That doesn't sound right.. he should be willing to answer your questions, you deserve to have answers.  Everything you're feeling is completely understandable.

This is your life, too.  If it truly is too much for you to handle, there's no shame in taking a break for a little while.  Being supportive and understanding doesn't include giving up what you deserve out of a relationship, remember that.  He might be a little too eager to share everything with you, I don't know... but if he won't answer your questions, I can see how that would make you less able to understand and accept what's going on.  This is a difficult situation.. can you let him know that if he keeps blowing you off, you won't be able to handle it?

[SO13]

Hi TamTam~
Because he is military, we do have to be careful about we write and talk about to a degree and there are only so many ways that you can phrase things to get the point of the question across...and more often than not, I get, we will talk when he comes home..well that is fine and dandy, but now every conversation breeds more questions and uncertanty...Is this normal?  He can talk about his "other half" but won't answer even simple questions...he's like a kid in a candy store now and I'm the bad mommy for wanting answers.  I like to believe that I am a very open-minded and accepting person..My friends all say I am almost to accepting of things to a fault..and NO, no one in our circle of friends, not even my best friend knows about this. So what the hell am I suppose to do?

[TamTam]

It's hard to say. My first instinct would be to say something like, "Listen, if you won't answer my questions until you get home then can you wait to tell me all the details until you get home, too?"  If he's making you wait, then he should be able to wait, too.  This is a lot of information for you to have to deal with all on your own when he's not there to reassure you and won't give you any answers.  Why should he get to bombard you with all the information he decides you can know right now, and then he can choose to withold other things from you until you're face to face?  No.. that's not fair.. all of it should wait until you're face to face, and that way, you both have some time to calm down and clear your heads.  And then, when you actually are face to face, you can have a real conversation about it, and be productive, and have less chance of misunderstandings and being frightened and worried.

But that's just me. I don't know him, I don't know how well that would go over.  You're not 'the bad mommy'... I think it's interesting, I've seen so many SOs feeling like they are bad mommies taking candy from their spouses/gfs/bfs.  That's not how it is.  You're both adults, and no matter how excited and happy your SO is, he still has to remember he's in a committed relationship involving two people, and both people are important.  You're not asking him to stop being who he is, or stop being happy- all you're doing is asking questions, questions which you deserve to have answers for.  So please don't feel bad about that..

[SO13]

Honestly TamTam..right now I am eating valium like candy.  As I said before, I believe I can accept a good deal of it...possibly all, but its the not knowing that is flipping me out..because of our present situation, I have been walking a very fine line because I think either you or PJ pointed out, love and support is so very important. I can't even imagine how difficult keeping a secret like this must have been, let alone the courage it had to take to actually tell me. I love that he obviously trusts and loves me enough to share it, and I would never reject him because of it...I just need answers that I am not getting and feel like I have now unleashed a uncontrollable kid at christmas...I don't want him not to feel free to talk about it, but I am overwhelmed and ..*sigh*..I give up..I can't even make any sense about it in my head let alone try to type it out..I'm sorry..thank you for everything...

Gaia

[TamTam]

::hugs::

It's okay.  It really is. I think you're amazing for wanting to stay with him, and support him, and for being so understanding.  But it's still easy to get overwhelmed.. do you practice meditation?  Yoga?  Can you go for a run around the block, listen to your favorite music and zone out for a while?  I get overwhelmed quite easily myself.. even about small things.. but what helps is getting my mind away from it for a while.

[SO13]

Thank you TamTam....currently I am practicing self medication..lol...just so I don't come unglue with his apparent selfishness.  I have kind of an understanding how he must be feeling, relief, freedom etc...but he is not seeing what it is doing to me....I can only "pretend" so long...and I don't mean that I am pretending that I am fine with everything just for his benefit, I mean pretending that his not giving me the full answers I need is ok for the time being when obviously it isn't...I can't escape my head..I've tried reading and learning all I can about this, but there are still to many missing pieces to the puzzle...and again so much contrary information about it that I just can't desimilate what's what anymore...

[Nicky]

Hi SO13,

I think your biggest fear at this time is to wonder what else he is hiding. He has hidden this huge thing from you for so long it must feel a bit like a betrayal or trust. You have been saying things like "what if he is gay" and implied that perhaps he could be a transsexual. I think you smell a rat and maybe you should trust that instinct. The whole smoke screen around the vacation he took really set off alarm bells for me. If everything was above board you would not be feeling the way you do - considering that you actually are open minded and open to the idea of a bit of fetish/fantasy style play. I would trust your instincts, they sound strong.

It certainly sounds like his sexuality is strongly tied to his dressing, it sounds like it is his muse and fetish. You have already said this will not work for you.

It certainly sounds like he is pretty obsessive about his fem persona and in his glee at revealing his secret he is totally ignoring your needs. It is a possible they are a woman and even they might not realise it - though I must say in my experience, transsexuals with sexual difficulties don't magically get over them just by dressing and role-playing in the bedroom. The difficulties seem to come more from having incongruent genitals and it just feels wrong to use them.

You suspect he is hiding more than he is letting on. I think this is a possibility too.

How would you feel about listing out all the things you want in the relationship and what things you could put up with in terms of his dressing/behaviour? List them out. Think about which ones you could bend on and which ones are core things. It may come down to either him being honest and you marking your list to see if you are actually compatable, or you deciding that the lack of answers is not good enough for you to invest more into the relationship. Maybe it will help you feel some control over the situation as currently you are floating and he is holding all the cards. Let him know you are evaluating things and that he should not get carried away at this stage because he sounds like a bulldozer.

If he can't be honest with you then this is not a particularly strong base for a long term relationship. I would advise not accepting the proposal until you get it sorted out. Trust your instincts. Your instincts are saying something is not right.

[TamTam]

Emme's idea is a good one.  Write down your questions- it'll help your thoughts get sorted, instead of staying a confusing jumble.

[Reluctant Kim]

I don't know what can be said that hasn't already been said, but there is a lot of awesome advice here.  For me, my wife knew about my needs and desires well before we ever got married, but it wasn't until recently that she really opened up to allowing me to dress and have play time with her as it is a great turn-on for me.  It has added a great spice to our sex life even when not cross-dressed because it got some of those urges out of my system and let me concentrate on being a man when she needed me to be.

One thing I have told my wife, and it's true, is that I don't look at attractive women (or any women for that matter) with lust.  I look at them with envy.  I don't want to be with any other woman, but I would love to BE any of the women I see.

Good luck to you.  It sounds like you are far better off than most women in your position.  You have a good head on your shoulders, and an honest man.  That's a great start.

[SO13]

"I don't look at attractive women (or any women for that matter) with lust.  I look at them with envy.  I don't want to be with any other woman, but I would love to BE any of the women I see."

What does that mean? That you long to be a woman all the way around?..This is so confusing..thank you all for the support and words of encouragement...I am very appreciative of all of it, but I am now more confused then ever...none of this makes any sense to me and there are just to many layers that are unknown on this subject and with him...First he's hetero who like to wear girl undies...very cool..now its he like to wear girl clothes and shoes and the whole kit and caboodle...his sex drive has increased 5k miles away with the thought of having sex dressed as a woman with me and now he actually wants to go on the town...not our town, but out somewhere where we wouldn't be recognized and actually has a whole female persona and a name!...what the hell?!?!..I've gone completely batty over all this...*crying*

                                                                                                                    *gone*

[TamTam]

::nods:: Therapy, honey.  Someone who will know how to take all the different threads you have, and weave them together so you can make sense of them, or at least view them with a calmer, less frantic eye.

[Windrider]

I've held off weighing in on your thread because I don't know much about cross dressing. My wife is M2F and will be starting hormones in the not too distant future.

I think everyone else has given you good advice. I'm not going to add too much other than if you do go the therapy route, please try to find a gender experienced therapist. It will make a significant difference as they will understand gender issues such as cross dressing and transition.

One of the things I said to Dani after she came out to me was "Is this all we're going to talk about?" It wasn't that I didn't want to, but I was getting sensory overload. She had 30+ years to figure this out, I was working on a month or so at that point We as SO's often need a lot of time to adjust and accept things. Often our partners want to go full speed ahead because they now feel free having gotten the monkey off their chest.  It sounds like your partner's gone to light speed; he needs to slow down and let you catch up.

Unfortunately, we can't tell you exactly what your partner means by what he says. We can make some educated guesses, but he is the only person who can say exactly what he means. Sadly, if you must wait until he returns from duty, then there isn't much else we can suggest other than talk to him then. But writing down what your concerns are is a good idea. That way you can vent some anger and you also won't forget anything.

*However* you do NOT have to do ANYTHING you are not comfortable with and that includes going out in public with him dressed. If your partner is not accepting of that, or accepting of the fact that you want some more specific answers and time to make your peace with things, then I'd really reconsider the whole proposal/marriage. Secrets are not a way to begin a relationship.

If you do decide to continue the relationship, then I'd like to recommend couple's therapy sessions. Dani and I have found them very helpful for our journey through her transition.

Sending lots of hugs,

WR

[Reluctant Kim]

"I don't look at attractive women (or any women for that matter) with lust.  I look at them with envy.  I don't want to be with any other woman, but I would love to BE any of the women I see."

What does that mean? That you long to be a woman all the way around?..This is so confusing..thank you all for the support and words of encouragement...I am very appreciative of all of it, but I am now more confused then ever...none of this makes any sense to me and there are just to many layers that are unknown on this subject and with him...First he's hetero who like to wear girl undies...very cool..now its he like to wear girl clothes and shoes and the whole kit and caboodle...his sex drive has increased 5k miles away with the thought of having sex dressed as a woman with me and now he actually wants to go on the town...not our town, but out somewhere where we wouldn't be recognized and actually has a whole female persona and a name!...what the hell?!?!..I've gone completely batty over all this...*crying*

                                                                                                                    *gone*

I'm sorry if I confused you, or upset you.  It certainly wasn't my intention.  The fact is, your special person is simply that... special.  His needs and any of our needs will never be exactly the same.  I can only speak from my own experiances as can anyone else here.  Don't let your mind go crazy with all the possibilities, or take it to the extremes in your mind without learning what it is that makes your man tick.  But I agree, get some therapy.  But to qualify this a bit, get therapy with someone that is well trained in gender related issues.  There are some out there that think they've read Freud and know what it's all about.  Do some research and find the ones that are good in this area.

Again, sorry if I upset you.  I feel for you.  I think we all do.