I don't really know any other way to describe it but often I feel really broken. It is like I live in half the world, limping along, trying to get by, dodging through the politics of the gendered.
I'm really not sure how to become a whole person. I desire hormone therapy and I think that would make me feel better about my body. But would this allow me to feel whole? I don't think it would. I'm starting to suspect that I need to be a part of a world that has a place for me. While it would be grand if everyone was accepting of androgynes I'm not sure if this would suffice.
I think for me to feel whole I need to be part of my own culture. I don't think I will ever feel part of cisgendered culture. It is like I'm in a parallel universe. I think you need one to know one. We are so rare that perhaps at best we could form mentor like relationships with older 'non binaries', kind of like being an apprentice to a sith lord (especially if apprenticed to Pica's
). Maybe we need to form some sort of tradition where androgynes pass their knowledge on to the next generation of androgynes so that we feel part of a greater whole.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I feel it is in my grasp but can't quite figure it out. I think part of the problem is I have never had an adult androgyne rolemodel to follow. I'm a bit like a runaway child going ferel for lack of guidence or teaching. I envy the native american two spirit traditions. I think this is what I want - that tradition of place, tradition of shared knowledge, social standing, a link to the history of my people, maybe even a sense of purpose, to be valued for what I am.
I feel like I am one of the lost chilldren in madmax 2. They were in a plane that crashed near an oasis in a wasteland. The adults all left to get help and never came back. They had a life, and a society but they were lost, and looking for something more, they wanted guidence, and to get back to their 'place' in the world.
