difficult situation- I messed up

[arbon]

I am a middle aged cross dresser that has done pretty good a keeping that part of my life hidden and suppressed.

Until today.

I sent an email to a work colleague and accidently attached the wrong file to the email, and the one I sent was rather embarrassing and incriminating. It was the stupidest mistake - that I did it just boggles my mind.

It can't be undone.

The shame I feel about it, the anxiety -  I mean it feels like I just sabotaged my life and blew it to hell with one rushed, accidental click of the button. I just could not possibly feel worse then I feel right now. I mean suicide seriously came to mind today. It feels that bad - no I am not doing that so no worries but it just seemed like the easiest way out for a little while today.

The possible embarrassment to my family just kills me. Being in a small town things get said.

I did confess the problem to my wife she is supporting and forgiving but I can't believe that I have put her into such an awkward position and we have a kid.....

I am trying to figure out the implications of the situation and what the worst case outcome could be. Do I loose my job, does it get all over town, does it devastate my parents if they find out because they live here in the same town. Does it embarrass the hell out of my wife and kid, do we have to move, get divorced. My mind wont stop thinking of all the possible bad crap that can happen. Maybe nothing will happen at all.

I just needed to talk. Even if it is just on a forum. I have been here reading once in a while for some time but never posted till now.

[Eva Marie]

Hopefully, the person that you sent the pic to will show some common sense and courtesy and just erase it. Have you been in touch with this person yet?

[tekla]

I would hope that any adult that happens to would smile to themselves and say "well, that's unique" and drop it.  Doesn't seem like cricket to use it.

[CC]

Dearest Arbon,

My ex-wife outed me as a cross dressor to her family and our friends after we divorced in 1989. We had a 5 year old daughter at the time. We didn't live in a small town but in an isolated county of about 300,000 people. I was very involved in local events and well known.

Most people didn't want to believe it and made no mention or behaved any differently to me. Some weren't as friendly and a little uncomfortable. So I moved on from them.

The bottom line is........you have done nothing hurtful, malicious or wrong. Your life is not over. Forget about the people on the outside. I guarantee you that most of them will choose to ignore this revelation should it get out.

Instead, focus on your wife and family as they are the only ones that you should care what they think.

Remember, almost all human beings have an inner secret. From sneaking candy on the sly to something as awful as........

Relax honey, this too shall pass...

Big hugs to you

[Reluctant Kim]

What CC said.  My first step would be to talk to the person you sent it to.  I'd say you have nothing to lose and everything to gain from this.  You might be surprised at the outcome.  You might even gain a confidant out of this whole mess.  Think possitive.

[arbon]

It is beyond just that one person already. They did not do it intentionally but the original recipient did not open the file before they had forwarded it on to another person that was waiting for the file I was supposed to send. The original recipient called me, saying I had sent the wrong file, and ah, well....I tried to just blow it off, but did not do very well.

It was such a stupid mistake that should not have happened. I don't usually keep anything on my computer that would be embarrasing like that, but it just takes once. I would not even post on a forum like this for fear of it somehow being found out, the only reason I am now is out of desperation to feel like things will be ok.

The mistake could cost me profesionally, it just should not have happened. It is a painful lesson I guess.

I paniced, I still am. But I have calmed down a little. I'll get through it. It's just very uncomfortable, and difficult to come to terms with. And I want to beat the crap out of myself, turn back the clock, or dissapear. None are really helpful, or doable. There is nothing I can do about it, whatever will be will be and life goes on.

Thanks for the post CC

Difficult but in some ways maybe I need this. Since being a kid I have tortured myself for having this part of me and living in fear of being found out will just end up killing me. Maybe it is just learning to get beyond that fear and being alright with myself regardless of what people think. My wife seems to accept it better then I do and I am really lucky to have her.

[tekla]

Look, its nothing to be all uptight about.  Almost everyone has strange, or weird, or different things about them.  A lot of people have things they would not want to see on the front page of the local paper, even though they are not illegal or immoral. 

What exactly did you send them?

[Anisha]

Tell them that your wife had given you a dare to cross dress.....She took a pic of you and you accidently send that to him....

[Janet_Girl]

Or you could always say that is it your Halloween costume this year or at least one you are thinking of.

[arbon]

It was not a pitcure - I was trying to write about my issue, something I never really have done before. There really was not a lot in it, just a few paragraphs, just enough to tell someone "hey I like wearing womens clothing!". Bloody hell.

I am feeling better this morning and realize I have to let it go and move on. And also that I have to much guilt and shame bottled up inside me over the whole cross dressing issue.

[Janet_Girl]

Well that IS definitely a problem.  It would hard to explain that a way, but maybe anyone who has received it will just delete and not say anything.  Or you might even find someone who is in a similar position.

Unfortunately you will have to ride out the storm, but try not to worry yourself to death.  That is not a good thing ether.

Best of luck and try to let it go.

[Cyndigurl45]

Maybe, hopefully because it was the wrong file they didn't read it ?

[arbon]

I am SOL on that idea.

It was read.

[Cyndigurl45]

Well it was good idea, it had hope

[arbon]

I am trying to restrain myself from attempting to explain the email to the person that called me. I don't think trying to explain it in an effort to control the situation will do anything more then add fuel a potential wild fire.

Still trying not to dwell on it, but I keep wanting to try and controll it and contain the situation all the same. sigh..

On the bright side I am still here, the sun still comes up, my wife has not deserted me, and for the moment I still have a job.

[Janet_Girl]

Exactly.  Trying to explain makes it all the more outstanding.  Just let it die as rumor or speculation.  Nothing more.  As it is said 'I think the lady doth protest to much'.

If push comes to shove, deal with it then.  Not before.  Give it no more importance.

[Kelley Jo]

As long as your work collegue is not mentally unbalanced I'd agree with all those who previously said this is not a big deal. Just let it go. Things happen on the job and in many other areas of life where we just have to move on. You are the only one able to balance the cost/benefit ratio of the repercussions this might have on your relations with others at your workplace. But I would sugguest you are worrying too much.

I have been outed serveral times. The first time was when an acerbic bitch at work noticed the panty line of my high-cut briefs. She made an off-handed remark that "real men wear boxers". I had been fending off her advances politely for quite some time and she was obviously frustrated. I think everyone knew it. Who the hell cares what underwear I have on? In some cases you might benefit financially by suing your employer for sexual harrassment...who knows?

Another time the repercussions were much worse. My ex-lover was determined to get revenge and she began a relationship with an acquaintence who had similiar vindictive feelings about me. When she told him about my cross-dressing he became enraged and later assaulted me as I was leaving a bar and quite intoxicated. He purposely chose that time and place to his advantage. The guy was an ex college wrestler and he pinned me on the pavement and began pounding my balls, calling me a deviate. He beat me up pretty good but he had to do 90 days in the county jail for that and I put a restraining order on him. If he ever so much as comes near me again he will do five years in the state pen. The judge didn't care about my underwear.

I still don't worry about it. What underwear I wear and what I do inside my house are my own business. There are people out there who are just crazy and will do anything regardless of anything. Take care of who you associate with and what situations you get in. That is the same as anyone needs to do.

You made the "reply all" gaff. It happens but it's no big deal. Good luck to you, I hope everything turns out well.

[luv2Bfem]

RELAX! Every thing will be fine, I promise. If some thing gets said, you can joke it off.

My ex supported me for years and then in the late 80's she outed me to my family and co-workers. I lived in a town of 15,000 and worked in a male only factory, she was a photographer and had a large collection of me that she released for all to see. My family was angry and told me I was sick and that they would knock me to the floor if they seen me dressed up. My co-workers joked behind my back and pretty much stayed away from me. They were not sure what to say or how to treat me? I ended up getting fired a couple years later. I told them the dismissal was unjust and that it was sexually based and threatened to sue them. A month later I was offered a modest cash settlement along with monthly payments for life and health insurance. I am now free to live where I want and dress how I want.

None of this helps you as I'm sure you are not wanting a divorce or any of the ugliness that goes with it? People have changed a great deal since my ordeal almost 20 years ago. Things don't shock or surprise the way they used to. From what you have said, I would let it go and deal with it if and when you are ever confronted with it. Support from a spouse goes a long way in putting others questions to rest. I'm sure you will be fine!

[arbon]

Thanks for the replies

The firestorm I expected never took off, I don't think it will at this point. The worst I got was someone saying they needed a good laugh.

Kelley Jo  - the assault you experienced is, well, yikes! 

I was thinking about it lately, what some of my friends / associates would say or do if they got wind of it. I am well known in one area of my life, but those people are pretty conservative, religious, and are mostly hostile to this kind thing. Heck I got threatened just for suggesting I might vote for the left. I just said bring it on    But if they really knew about me, that would be interesting to say the least.

There are people that do know. My teenage / early 20's I was pretty messed up with drinking and made a few drunken mistakes.

My wife knows, has known. Of course when I told her before we got married I told her I would not do it anymore.  But she has stayed understanding and supportive so long as I try to do it when she is not around. She has also confided in a couple of her friends about me.

Still, lately, I have been very confused about myself. I think the incident really brought it front and center, something I need help with.

Posted on: November 13, 2008, 12:51:43 amWell scratch the support part from my SO. I assume to much, I guess. I don't know. sigh...

[AnneW]

I had a somewhat similar situation where a male friend and work colleague found out about Anne when a mutual friend who has know this part of me for many years slipped and made a comment that led to more discussion........

She immediately let me know what happened.  After a few hours of panic, I called him and said "Making this call scares the s.... out of me but......." and then talked a bit about the whole issue.

His response was that while a surprise, it was not an issue.  He said he viewed it as just something I am and that it would not change our friendship and/or work relationship.  He has been true to his word and my comfort level with him has been raised since I no longer have to worry about his reaction to knowing about Anne.

His best comment was on the order of "Well I have a lot of straight friends, a lot of gay friends and now you are my first crossdressing friend."

He indeed is a good friend.

Anne W