Jeni,
I'm another person who's story is similar to yours. The only significant difference is that I never got married, and while I have had a few girlfriends, none of those relationships got very far, and I gave up completely more than a decade ago. I cross dress occasionally, but only in private. In RL, I present as your average male geek. I've kept my questions about my gender identity secret from everyone in my RL. I've only recently "come out" on anonymous forums like this. And even that was scary as hell! The only odd thing about me in RL is that I've never married. I suspect some my friends and co-workers think I'm gay, but if so, they've never said anything.
Oh, and I'm 60, so I'm looking at another major life-changing event: namely, retirement.
I considered SRS back in college, but rejected it, mostly because I was afraid that would cause more problems than it would solve. And I was afraid I'd end up as a freak -- I'm not very big, but my beard shadow makes Homer Simpson look clean shaven, and I have an abundance of body hair. That's not just my opinion. The last time I had an EKG, when the nurse saw my chest hair, she said "Wow!" as she reached for a razor.
So I made a conscious decision to "play the hand I was dealt," so to speak, and live with the consequences. It's worked okay in some ways -- decent job, comfortable savings, and so on -- but not so well in others -- no close personal relationships, because of my deep dark secret.
When I first came to Susan's, I was considering taking the next step and transitioning, as a retirement gift to myself, if nothing else. I've since changed my mind, at least for now. Partly because I've decided to postpone retirement, thanks to the recent market, ah, corrections. But mostly because ... well, what would it do for me? On the plus side, I could stop living a lie. I could be "one of the girls" -- if they would accept me. Unfortunately, that's a big if! I've spent so much of my life pretending to be a guy -- even if I was a non-drinking, non-sports-loving nerd -- that I'm not sure I could pull it off. I could, ah, "clean myself up" and try to present myself as an attractive woman. Maybe I'd succeed, and people would treat me better than they treat me now. Or maybe not, and I'd be in worse shape. I'm 60, for heaven's sake; I'll never be a foxy 20-something! And yes, guys might be interested in me as a woman, but I've never been attracted to guys, so I don't see that as a big plus. Although I understand that some TGs change their mind when they actually transition.
On the downside, it would be one hell of a shock: to me, to my friends, and to my few surviving relatives. My parents are dead, though, so they're not a consideration. It's a lot of work, a lot of expense, and a lot of problems. And while I'm in good health for a 60-year-old, I do have some medical problems that would cause complications.
So for me, right now, the advantages don't overcome the disadvantages. Who knows? I might feel differently next year.
So that's my thinking. Hope it helps. Your mileage, of course, may vary.
