Hi I am new to the site and have never discussed these things with anybody ever before. I think it is about time I did.

A brief history...

My earliest memory is of wanting my Mom to paint my fingernails. I was about five. My folks have a cute little picture of me pulling out dresser drawers to climb up to my Moms jewelry box, I remember that too, but they didn't know that I wanted to wear jewelry like Mom. That was at about five too. There was some young girls clothing stored in my bedroom that I used to try on sometimes. Then I was eventually caught wearing panty hose a few years later.

Because I felt my Mom and Dad wouldn't love me anymore I learned to suppress my feminine instincts but they never went away. I don't think a single day in my life has gone by where a large number of mental clock cycles haven't been dedicated to thinking about it.

I had a young friend, Jenny. She was so cute I wanted to be just like her. Thats where I got the name Jeni from.

It drove me nuts when I was a teen. I used to sneak and wear girls clothes every chance I got. But I never came out about it. I always kept it hidden away. I was afraid of what my parents and my brothers and family friends and friends would think. Blatant cowardice.

I even went so far as to get married and have kids being determined to live a "normal" life. I love my kids and would die for them but I can't help but think that I didn't mess up from the very begining by not exerting my need to be female.

Now my youngest son is getting older and I am starting to think that I don't want to get old and die without ever having lived as a woman. I agonize over this every day and have every day of my life.

I don't even know where to start. I have never even been with a guy before. I guess you could call me a virgin. Having sex with a woman for me was duty not drive. But when I finally have sex with a guy I don't want it to be like a guy on guy thing. Maybe that sounds weird but I really want to be the girl in the relationship.

I have another problem in that I don't look or sound feminine at all. I hate looking in a mirror because I just see a guy looking back at me and I hate that.

I have done some blogging on other sites. Not related to sexual subjets. I found that people were just assuming I was a girl. I really liked that. I don't know for sure but I felt like that was because the real person inside me was coming out in conversation. People accepted me as a female, hurray.

But that just highlights the greater point. I can't say for sure that I was born as a woman in a mans body but I can definitely say that I feel that way and have as long as I can recall. Now the question is what to do about it.

I should have come out when I was young. I should have come out when I was a teen. I should have come out before I got married. I should have come out before I had children.

I have no idea how to get from here to there but I felt talking about it with others who would understand was a good place to start.

Thank you for listening.

BTW: How do I get one of those little pictures?

 First off welcome to Susans.
I felt just like you all my life. Start with a gender theripist and go from there. It never goes away. It just gets worse and worse as the years go on. I too wish I had come out before but had to wait to see just how far I could live that way before i did. Now I`m on my way and I feel much better.
   Angie,

Thank you so much Angie.

It's so nice to finally be able to talk to somebody about this. I have kept it bottled up for so long.

Hi Jeni:

There's a lot of people around here who started late, it doesn't matter.
Just look to the future, you don't have to regret the past or repudiate it.

P.S. You need 15 posts to set an avatar.
P.P.S. Don't forget the chats.

Thank you Renate!

So nice to meet you!

I saw somebody post "Profile please!!!!!" and I didn't want to be rude but I couldn't figure out how to set it. Now I know why! 

I have never tried the chats before but I will. Thanks.

Hi Jeni

Age is irrelevant and its totally natural to regret something like this, we all have our own set of regrets but whats really important is your doing something about it now. i know a MTF who was 65 and transitioned, shes now 67 and having the time of her life.

Hugs and welcome to Susan's

You're very sweet Vanna. Thank you.

I am 44 so thats not as bad as 65. Talking here has been a big first step for me. I can't believe I feel so happy just coming out and talking about it. And everybody has been so nice.

When it comes to regrtes, that i have many myself i feel the most important thing is to sort of learn to forgive yourself, and try to get over the past and look forward to the fututre. But remember that the future will be what you make it ...
take care 

Hi Jeni..

Just to let you know my history is also very similar, but I've made it to 50, so my options are narrowing..

I am still "sitting on the fence" and working through my issues one by one....so I would not offer any advice other than to do plenty of reading and sounding-out....don't rush.....take your time to discover what is right for you.

The first couple of months here seemed like a lifetime of discovery for me......

Take Care

Chrissty

When one realizes how to be complete and happy in life is the true consideration. At what time in life is not as important as the realization. Please enjoy the feeling of freedom and eventual sense of contentment.
I hope you find the peace you are looking for and understand that there are many people who are willing to help and support you.

Jeni,

I'm another person who's story is similar to yours. The only significant difference is that I never got married, and while I have had a few girlfriends, none of those relationships got very far, and I gave up completely more than a decade ago. I cross dress occasionally, but only in private. In RL, I present as your average male geek. I've kept my questions about my gender identity secret from everyone in my RL. I've only recently "come out" on anonymous forums like this. And even that was scary as hell! The only odd thing about me in RL is that I've never married. I suspect some my friends and co-workers think I'm gay, but if so, they've never said anything.

Oh, and I'm 60, so I'm looking at another major life-changing event: namely, retirement.

I considered SRS back in college, but rejected it, mostly because I was afraid that would cause more problems than it would solve. And I was afraid I'd end up as a freak -- I'm not very big, but my beard shadow makes Homer Simpson look clean shaven, and I have an abundance of body hair. That's not just my opinion. The last time I had an EKG, when the nurse saw my chest hair, she said "Wow!" as she reached for a razor.

So I made a conscious decision to "play the hand I was dealt," so to speak, and live with the consequences. It's worked okay in some ways -- decent job, comfortable savings, and so on -- but not so well in others -- no close personal relationships, because of my deep dark secret.

When I first came to Susan's, I was considering taking the next step and transitioning, as a retirement gift to myself, if nothing else. I've since changed my mind, at least for now. Partly because I've decided to postpone retirement, thanks to the recent market, ah, corrections. But mostly because ... well, what would it do for me? On the plus side, I could stop living a lie. I could be "one of the girls" -- if they would accept me. Unfortunately, that's a big if! I've spent so much of my life pretending to be a guy -- even if I was a non-drinking, non-sports-loving nerd -- that I'm not sure I could pull it off. I could, ah, "clean myself up" and try to present myself as an attractive woman. Maybe I'd succeed, and people would treat me better than they treat me now. Or maybe not, and I'd be in worse shape. I'm 60, for heaven's sake; I'll never be a foxy 20-something! And yes, guys might be interested in me as a woman, but I've never been attracted to guys, so I don't see that as a big plus. Although I understand that some TGs change their mind when they actually transition.

On the downside, it would be one hell of a shock: to me, to my friends, and to my few surviving relatives. My parents are dead, though, so they're not a consideration. It's a lot of work, a lot of expense, and a lot of problems. And while I'm in good health for a 60-year-old, I do have some medical problems that would cause complications.

So for me, right now, the advantages don't overcome the disadvantages. Who knows? I might feel differently next year.

So that's my thinking. Hope it helps. Your mileage, of course, may vary.

Hi Jeni! Welcome to Susan's. As a former sasquatch, I empathise with you. I never thought there would be a remote chance of being passable. I transitioned at 40 anyway and never looked back. I used to regret not starting sooner but so many things have been so great that it's really hard to regret it now.
Just take your time. Sometimes the changes can be overwhelming, for you and all those who know you. As you go, enjoy each little triumph and don't worry about set-backs and it will make things a lot smoother.

Karen Lyn

I hear ya too!

I guess if anyone is reading this and is young and considering transition....do it!

I often feel it would have been so much easier when I was young, though I cant regret it....cuz I wasnt aware it was possible. I mean I knew about sex change...but nothing else. And I was a homo phobic. I often thought I was just a closet gay guy...till I discovered the internet.

Im broke and cant do any of the treatments, etc...but I do my best to feel like the girl I am inside.

Quote from: MarySue on December 05, 2008, 11:53:43 AM
......So for me, right now, the advantages don't overcome the disadvantages. Who knows? I might feel differently next year.

So that's my thinking. Hope it helps. Your mileage, of course, may vary.

I share your thoughts on this MarySue

..... so like yourself I'm also in limbo, plus I have a family to consider.....

....but then, just when I think I've sorted my mind out, and I've got it contained, I wake up......and the questions start all over again...

Er..as you can see Jeni, many of us have our little demons to deal with...

Chrissty

Hi, Jeni, it's nice to meet you. I was clicking on random topics and came across yours, which touched me a bit. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, since I'm only 22 years old, but I do know what it feels like to go your whole life (so far) in the wrong body, always suppressing it and pretending to be someone you're not. It hurts knowing I still won't have a chance to even begin talking about it in real life for a long while, most likely. I've been out to a few places online for a while, but I have yet to use my voice to discuss things with anyone, and my whole world thinks I'm just a geeky, possibly-gay-but-they're-not-really-sure-what-my-deal-is guy who has no interest in dating.

I can't offer you advice as I'm currently in a hole myself, and I'm younger and less experienced than you; it's been nearly two years since I first came out to anybody, even online, and my life still isn't organized enough to do anything about it.

That part you mentioned about looking in a mirror and just seeing some guy staring back at you...yeah, I know exactly how that feels. I hate it, and I avoid mirrors at all costs. My family thinks I'm phobic of having my picture taken, for the same reason, haha.

Chin up, cheer up, etc. cheesy phrase. I hope you can find your path, and I know some of the people here are great at helping others--I've been talked down from a few depressions on their chat over the years, myself.

Anyway, I wish you good luck in whatever you choose to do.

Hi Jeni, I'm in a similar situation. My earliest memories are putting on my older cousins dress at age 4. Ive been fighting myself ever since. To confuse matters I've been attracted to women as well as extremely envious my entire life. I did however marry the love of my life and for her I'm not transitioning-yet. I would in a second if I knew it wouldnt kill her! So if your family could accept it and only you'll know that, then you should go to a gender therapist as soon as possible. Being yourself is all that you can do-yeah! Good luck to ya!

Hi Jeni,

Welcome to our little family. Over  1100 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion. Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers.  Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now.  And it is always nice to have another sister.

I am 54 and finally on HRT and beginning RLT. 8 months HRT and 3 months RLT.  I am finally happy and beginning to discover Janet.  And I like her.  I wouldn't go back no matter what.  Yes I wish I still hand my family, but I have another here.  And they at least understand me and love me for me.

Janet