To Kristen, and all other ladies...
You must understand that you will have to allow your inner core being to develop in Real Time gradually. Even though you may have known or heard that inner voice 20 years ago, or only 2 years ago, it is not possible to then jump from a man's world to that of an adult woman overnight or in months.
We trans-gals have a lot of baggage. For some it is much more of a burden, than for others. Then longer your history of living as a man in a man's world is, the more significant that burden is going to be. Life isn't a chalk board that you can just erase, and then start on a clean slate...
Some transgendered individuals come out of the womb obviously disconnected from their gender. As these children develop, and IF the parents are smart or aware enough to recognize, that this child is indeed different, they will not impede it's will to be whom it is in it's psyche. Not many of us are so blessed.
Unfortunately many or most of us, grow and develop under the confines and expectations of our birthed gender. I suspect that many of you, felt that disconnect early on. ( I certainly did ! ) The battle then begins within you, at what ever that age happened to have been.
Many of you have thus claimed this to in fact be the case. The confusion, and the misdirection after wards only compounds itself after that. Why wouldn't it?
The longer you suffer this hideous period, then the more you hurt and develop emotional scars. Some of us suffer horribly. Keep in mind; now that you are aware, you haven't been alone, and are not now. All that emotional fear can now be tamed at last.
That EUREKA moment your searching for, sometimes is nothing more than a soft voice in your mind and heart. It could be like a soft tender kiss from your very soul. It is a "Thank You" from inside, as enlightenment and acceptance meet and caress.
No fire works, no sirens and whistles...just a soft whisper saying; "Here I am. This is who we are."
Some of us, will then feel our insides warm, as your soul glows, finally for the first time. You will feel your chest suddenly breath lighter and easier. There will be a profound clarity, as you say to yourself; "YES! this IS who I am, and I always always knew it."
"How could I have not found you before?" Then you feel a deep love for who you have accepted. Sheer joy takes over.
Here is where you want to leap off into the deep end, and tell every one who will listen," Guess what?...."
Hopefully, you will have realized before you leap, you don't know how to swim these waters yet! There are lessons anew to be learned, and live fire tests you have to pass. Sometimes, even though we are determined students who really put the effort into getting an A++,we fail or receive a low grade at first. But, you do learn. Then again, Oh! so many others lessons, you have to then unlearn. The lessons and tests are never alike for any of us. Yet, we are all in the same school of life.
It is a process. Dr. Harry Benjamin understood this well.
Love
CG/Rene'
