Hi Kristen.
I have been Bipolar I beleive probably starting back in my late teens.
QuoteI had depression which was made worse with gender identity disorder but now I notice that I also have times where I feel caught in the middle of a happy storm.
HRT seems to have helped me manage my depression better and I am happier overall but, lately I feel like the hormones are getting me "high". It seems like I have more manic highs, which is fairly lucky when it comes to the bipolar "lottery". Mania is wonderful when you have it but the problem is that it goes away without any notice and then all of a sudden the depression monkey jumps on my back
I never really knew about my bipolar because in my mid-twenties I discovered alcohol and I used alcohol for nearly thirty years in an attempt to control the lows. I was suicidal and even went through stabbing myself in my hand with an ice pick to make sure that I was still capable of feeling. I preferred this way to cutting because the ice pick didn't leave scars. I came close to ending it so that I could end the deadness I had inside.
I never had the highs, or at least not the mania type. But in my early sobriety I was the type that needed to be going all the time, some times hardly sleeping until I once again had a break down from exhaustion. I finally got to see a shrink who diagnosed me with bipolar. Once on meds I was able to control my mood swings to a greater degree and eventually I lowered my dosage of meds to where I was down to three pills per day shortly after I started HRT.
I do believe that the estrogen does rewire the neural pathways, not to mention the rewiring from damage that had been done by all those years of drinking. So yes, I do quite agree that the estrogen does change your psychologically as well as in your personality. I certainly don't think or feel or perceive things the same way as I used to before I started on HRT.
Much of what the estrogen will bring out will be psychologically is what was already stored away in the subconscious mind as instinctual and intuitive, probably since conception. Much of the feelings we had experienced through the years, including our longing and obsession do be female, as some call it the GID, was already programmed into out minds.
Much of the pressure for us to change or undergo transitioning from the GID left us with little choice but to follow the only tunnel that had some semblance of light at the other end. Any other direction that I may have taken would surely have been self- destruction. I would have to say that bipolar in a way was a life saver, it got me to town much quicker then any other route could have. Bipolar and GID were both working as a driving force that would not be refused. I am glad I answered the call.
Cindy
