You really can't repress your gender identity... whatever it is...
Okay... I used to come to this board, under a different (male) name. I think I joined when I was 15. Back then, I was certain that I was FTM. I was also incredibly depressed. I had only been conciously thinking that I may be FTM for about 2 years, and was very confused by the idea. I was also generally averse to socialising, and just felt like giving up much of the time...
I went to counselling, and I had the six free sessions available. I found it remarkably pointless and a bit irritating... and I don't think I even had a bad counsellor. I just don't think there was anything that she could say to me that I had not thought of for myself, rendering the whole affair pointless for me. I was relieved when it was over, actually. Therapy is simply not my thing. During the sessions, I always maintained that when I left my conservative little hometown for University, I would go there as a male, and make a fresh start. That was my plan.
I had a really great GP who took me seriously. He went to the trouble of writing to the hospital (where the specialists operate) specifically about me, and then wrote to me to tell me that while the NHS don't generally deal with people under 18 in this area, they may be able to see me.
However, I never followed this up. The main reason for this was that at the age of 16, with an overprotective father who wanted to know where I was all the time, and no independent transport, I genuinely couldn't get all the way to the hospital, which was like 15 miles. (I actually could have, technically, but I would have to have lied and skipped school, which I'd already done a couple of times just to go to the bloody counselling.
)
However, I was also scared. I didn't think I was anywhere near ready to come out, go on T, or anything like that. In retrospect; I was right. I was not ready for that at all, I made the right decision. Though I do feel a bit guilty that my GP went to all that effort for nothing, but nevermind...
I also avoided my Year 11 leavers' prom like the plague, because everytime I thought about wearing a dress I felt a little bit physically sick...
When I was 17, things started to get better for me; I got out more, was happier at school (mainly because many of the immature losers who used to antagonise and disrespect me were steadily dropping out) and felt a bit more comfortable in my skin, generally. I think I stopped coming to Susan's at around this time, over a year ago. Though I had become more of a reader than a poster by then anyway.
When I was 18; I went to my Year 13 leavers' prom. In a dress. And makeup. And it was bearable. And I got a kiss off a guy I really liked, which was a highlight.
So I hatched a new University plan. Plan was; I would be more feminine here. I deluded myself that the only reason I had never been able to embrace feminity before was that everyone around me had preconceptions of me.
That was so NOT the reason.
I've now been here one term (nearly 12 weeks), and I own a few skirts and a grand total of three dresses (two of which I haven't actually worn yet) and I wear make up a lot for nights out... I come across as a fairly average girl.
But it's only a costume. I rather like the dressing up, because that's exactly what is to me; dressing up. It's a bit like getting dressed up as a pirate or something as a little kid. It doesn't mean you necessarily are, or even want to be a pirate... it's just fun. Recreation. Or something.
This is a rambling story which does not have any purpose.
Basically, I feel like my gender is male. I feel like if I could start again, I would be born a baby boy, not a baby girl.
But I can't do that.
I maintain my decision that, for me, the stress, cost, and isolation that transition would bring about for me would far outweigh any benefits that it could possibly bring me. So I'm not going to do that.
But now, the people at home percieve me to be a tomboy, and the people at uni percieve me to be a typical girl.
Neither of these is acurate.
I suppose my best option really is to be androgynous... I got my hair cut by about three inches a few weeks ago, mainly because it had become impractical, but I still look annoyingly feminine.
I just don't feel like I can be myself.
And the main reason for that is that I really have no idea who I am.
