You really can't repress your gender identity... whatever it is...


Okay... I used to come to this board, under a different (male) name. I think I joined when I was 15. Back then, I was certain that I was FTM. I was also incredibly depressed. I had only been conciously thinking that I may be FTM for about 2 years, and was very confused by the idea. I was also generally averse to socialising, and just felt like giving up much of the time...
I went to counselling, and I had the six free sessions available. I found it remarkably pointless and a bit irritating... and I don't think I even had a bad counsellor. I just don't think there was anything that she could say to me that I had not thought of for myself, rendering the whole affair pointless for me. I was relieved when it was over, actually. Therapy is simply not my thing. During the sessions, I always maintained that when I left my conservative little hometown for University, I would go there as a male, and make a fresh start. That was my plan.
I had a really great GP who took me seriously. He went to the trouble of writing to the hospital (where the specialists operate) specifically about me, and then wrote to me to tell me that while the NHS don't generally deal with people under 18 in this area, they may be able to see me.
However, I never followed this up. The main reason for this was that at the age of 16, with an overprotective father who wanted to know where I was all the time, and no independent transport, I genuinely couldn't get all the way to the hospital, which was like 15 miles. (I actually could have, technically, but I would have to have lied and skipped school, which I'd already done a couple of times just to go to the bloody counselling. )
However, I was also scared. I didn't think I was anywhere near ready to come out, go on T, or anything like that. In retrospect; I was right. I was not ready for that at all, I made the right decision. Though I do feel a bit guilty that my GP went to all that effort for nothing, but nevermind...
I also avoided my Year 11 leavers' prom like the plague, because everytime I thought about wearing a dress I felt a little bit physically sick...

When I was 17, things started to get better for me; I got out more, was happier at school (mainly because many of the immature losers who used to antagonise and disrespect me were steadily dropping out) and felt a bit more comfortable in my skin, generally. I think I stopped coming to Susan's at around this time, over a year ago. Though I had become more of a reader than a poster by then anyway.

When I was 18; I went to my Year 13 leavers' prom. In a dress. And makeup. And it was bearable. And I got a kiss off a guy I really liked, which was a highlight. 
So I hatched a new University plan. Plan was; I would be more feminine here. I deluded myself that the only reason I had never been able to embrace feminity before was that everyone around me had preconceptions of me.

That was so NOT the reason. 

I've now been here one term (nearly 12 weeks), and I own a few skirts and a grand total of three dresses (two of which I haven't actually worn yet) and I wear make up a lot for nights out... I come across as a fairly average girl.
But it's only a costume. I rather like the dressing up, because that's exactly what is to me; dressing up. It's a bit like getting dressed up as a pirate or something as a little kid. It doesn't mean you necessarily are, or even want to be a pirate... it's just fun. Recreation. Or something.

This is a rambling story which does not have any purpose.

Basically, I feel like my gender is male. I feel like if I could start again, I would be born a baby boy, not a baby girl.
But I can't do that.
I maintain my decision that, for me, the stress, cost, and isolation that transition would bring about for me would far outweigh any benefits that it could possibly bring me. So I'm not going to do that.
But now, the people at home percieve me to be a tomboy, and the people at uni percieve me to be a typical girl.
Neither of these is acurate.
I suppose my best option really is to be androgynous... I got my hair cut by about three inches a few weeks ago, mainly because it had become impractical, but I still look annoyingly feminine.

I just don't feel like I can be myself.
And the main reason for that is that I really have no idea who I am.

When I was small, I held onto this faint hope that maybe puberty wouldn't really, well .... it just wouldn't happen. I mean, how could I be expected to believe that ....  .... would happen -- to me. Well it happened, so I thought, well, maybe it'll kick in, maybe all these male hormones will do their job and make everything better -- maybe once I move away from home, I'll be able to be a "man" .... That lasted for me in college no longer than it did for you. So I got a girlfriend, and things were wonderful .... for about a month .... though it took waaay longer than that for things to finally fall apart. Then I thought, well, I'll just accept it and deal with it .... somehow. That feeling was a bit more tenacious, because there was no expectation of instantaneous results.

So your story is rather familiar. But I certainly won't try to tell you how things will end up for you -- everybody is different.

Quote from: Sophie90
Basically, I feel like my gender is male. I feel like if I could start again, I would be born a baby boy, not a baby girl.
But I can't do that.
I maintain my decision that, for me, the stress, cost, and isolation that transition would bring about for me would far outweigh any benefits that it could possibly bring me. So I'm not going to do that.

That sounds exactly like me when I was in college -- if you swap male & female.

That was almost 40 years ago.

Like Alyssa, I won't try to tell you how things will end up for you. All I can offer is the observation that I decided to "play the hand I was delt," and I survived. So far, anyway.

Umm... Sophie... When I saw you refer to yourself as FTM, I thought it was a typo. From my first look at your picture I thought you were biologically male and trying to look female. You could totally be a guy, you know. In your picture I see a man wearing a female disguise.

Quote from: Hypatia on December 16, 2008, 01:48:05 AM
Umm... Sophie... When I saw you refer to yourself as FTM, I thought it was a typo. From my first look at your picture I thought you were biologically male and trying to look female. You could totally be a guy, you know. In your picture I see a man wearing a female disguise.

Yeah, I thought you were a biological guy too! XD

Quote from: Heartwood on December 16, 2008, 06:35:59 AM

Quote from: Hypatia on December 16, 2008, 01:48:05 AM
Umm... Sophie... When I saw you refer to yourself as FTM, I thought it was a typo. From my first look at your picture I thought you were biologically male and trying to look female. You could totally be a guy, you know. In your picture I see a man wearing a female disguise.

Yeah, I thought you were a biological guy too! XD

Yay thankyou.
That is the most masculine I've ever made myself look in a picture though, I look more feminine most of the time, honest.
These comments made me smile though.

Anyway thanks for your replies everyone.
I'm not looking for advice too much, I just wanted to explain my situation, get it down in words.
I'm just sort of... wandering along right now. No idea what will happen in the future really...

I'm just sort of... wandering along right now. No idea what will happen in the future really...
[/quote]

I'm kinda doing the same, taking each day as it comes.  Have no idea whats going to happen, have an idea but nothing definite.

Quote from: Hypatia on December 16, 2008, 01:48:05 AM
Umm... Sophie... When I saw you refer to yourself as FTM, I thought it was a typo. From my first look at your picture I thought you were biologically male and trying to look female. You could totally be a guy, you know. In your picture I see a man wearing a female disguise.

That is exactly how I first percieved you.

Can you not try conselling again and see how it goes?

Quote from: Hypatia on December 16, 2008, 01:48:05 AM
Umm... Sophie... When I saw you refer to yourself as FTM, I thought it was a typo. From my first look at your picture I thought you were biologically male and trying to look female. You could totally be a guy, you know. In your picture I see a man wearing a female disguise.

+1

Quote from: Hypatia on December 16, 2008, 01:48:05 AM
Umm... Sophie... When I saw you refer to yourself as FTM, I thought it was a typo. From my first look at your picture I thought you were biologically male and trying to look female. You could totally be a guy, you know. In your picture I see a man wearing a female disguise.

Exactly my reaction too

~Kate~

Quote from: Hypatia on December 16, 2008, 01:48:05 AM
Umm... Sophie... When I saw you refer to yourself as FTM, I thought it was a typo. From my first look at your picture I thought you were biologically male and trying to look female. You could totally be a guy, you know. In your picture I see a man wearing a female disguise.

THats the first thing that popped into mind when i saw your pic.  You do have it going for you in that way

You did not fail, you just found another way that was wrong for you.

Aiming to Look androgynous won't achieve anything except you might feel a bit more comfortable than you do in female clothing. People will still perceive you as they perceive you now.

My advise is this,

Forget about expectation, forget about what other people think of you, forget about trying to find a compromise, don't think about transition, don't think about passing. Discard all pretence. Go with the gut. Don't analyse. Do and wear and behave in a way which makes you feel best. Through doing this I believe you will find who you are. You are in the perfect place and time of your life for exploring who you are and how you want to express yourself. There is no better place than university - most things are permissible to a uni student - do things just because you wanna and act surly to anyone who tries to bring up insignificant things like social rules. Choose life. It will be scary, it will be thrilling, you will make mistakes and embarass yourself but it will be grand all the same. Be fierce.

BTW you sound like a FtM MtF-crossdresser 

Excellent advice, Nicky.

Quote from: Nicky on December 16, 2008, 07:06:10 PMBTW you sound like a FtM MtF-crossdresser 

Yeah! This is so ironic, it sounds like satire-- but when you think about it, it's quite real and serious: Trans men spend time as MTF transgender before they succeed in simply being the men they are. Trans women spend time as FTM transgender before they succeed in simply being the women they are. Ironic, yes; through-the-looking-glass, even-- but that's our reality. I'm just a woman-- for me, "transgender" was the time when I had to pose as FTM... but I've put that behind me.

Sophia, someday you too may quit living as MTF. But Nicky's advice is sound. Go with your gut feelings and don't try to push things in any direction, just seek a firm footing for your true self, whatever that may be. College years are a unique opportunity for this, you're lucky to have this personal freedom.

All very interesting.  Be true to yourself.  In the end, once you realize who and what you are, live it.  I should practice this myself.  I've been to therapy per the standards and I am still living as a male.  At 55 I don't know what to do.  I have forced myself to live as a male.  Since my pre-teen years I have felt that I'm female.  My therapist advised that I move on, that I'm ready.  I didn't.  So, how far did I go to prove my "manhood" to myself and others?  Very briefly, I enlisted in the Army back during the draft years in the Vietnam era. Later in my military career I volunteered for and succeeded at becoming a Special Forces (Green Beret) soldier.  Between those years somewhere I went through therapy, dressed as a woman when I could, and oh yes, got married and still am.  Now I'm allowing myself to "feminize" once again, which will put my marriage at risk.  But it's who and what I am.  I know this.  I guess my point is, one should live to be the gender they truly are, once that is determined.  Despite all the hardships of doing so, in the end our own happiness and well being (sanity, etc.) is what truly matters - our quality of life.  I think I'm rambling, but I don't wish anyone to go through this as long as I, and others around my age, have.

I am 10 yrs post op MTF. I tried the total feminine thing and well it didn't work for me. (I attracted too many men which i didn't want because i am not attracted to so called genetic men.)  However i am a woman who many times acts like a FTM with long hair but who also acts feminine at times too.  Many MTF's don't seem to like me because i don't fit the steretype of a MTF. I had MTF's curse me for using a hammer while i was fixing their roof which was leaking from the rain. They said WOMEN DON'T DO THAT.. You just have to do what you want to do its simple. Myself i needed to have surgery below. I am at the point where i wouldn't care if my small implants failed and i was more flat chested. Life is constantly changing and you need to change with it where its fits you.  just know that the surgical and hormonal choices you make can be forever choices. Other than that have a ball and enjoy life wherever you go and whatever you do. I wouldn't limit myself to just college i will be me anywhere. Oh i went to college too after i transitioned and i wasn't all femmy.

Like some of the others I thought you M2F from your avatar which should enable you to test the water and explore your feelings in full before you are forced by your GID to make hard choices. You do have the luxury of time, something us older transitioners dont have anymore. When it becomes clear to you how you feel, take the moment and seize it, and let your heart dictate what you must do and do not ever let anyone dissuade you from your path. It will otherwise be a very long one full of heartache and dissapointment. I belive that ultimately what we are seeking is peace for our souls whatever the gender and yes I believe our souls are gendered. Hugs Sweetie and I hope you find your peace.

Wendy