Need Advice - FtM Partner

[Red_Rachel]

Okay I'm going to try and condense this the best I can.

My partner told me about being transsexual (pre-everything; still living as female) before we had started dating. I was okay with that, and about a month later we decided to get together.

I identify as a gay female, and have only recently felt completely at home within this label. I used to be unsure whether it was a phase, or maybe I was just bisexual, or confused, but now I know that yes, I am into women and have zero sexual attraction to males.

So recently, my partner has been asking me more and more how I feel about when they are ready to transition. And the answer I keep giving, is I DON'T KNOW. What I do know is that I want whatever makes hir (I hate to use those hir/ze pronouns, but he/she are uncomfortable too. Ah, being politically correct.) the happiest.

However, ze is not sure what ze wants to do, because I can't say for sure whether or not I would be okay with close contact (mostly, sex) with someone who not only mentally, but physically now, is a man. Too much Dr. Drew makes me think that I sound like I was abused or something, but I wasn't. Men just freak me out to be anything more than friends and any sort of close contact (hugs, whatever) makes me uncomfortable.

However, I love hir with every fiber of my being. And I honestly don't know if my feelings about male contact would change for hir because I do love hir so much. I can't say one way or another. But what I do know is that it would KILL me to know that ze didn't carry out what would make hir happy and finally, for the first time, comfortable in her own skin because I can't get over the fact that the male anatomy and I don't bode well. I know that I'd be 100% okay with the mastectomy part of transitioning, but that is the only thing I can say 100%. Ze doesn't want to go any further than what would make me uncomfortable because ze doesn't want to lose me. But like I said -- I cannot be the reason for not being totally comfortable.
Ze keeps asking me "well what about this/that" and I can't respond with anything further than an "I don't know". I hate that I can't say that I will be completely comfortable, relationshipwise, with whatever ze decides to do. I wish I could, but I can't, and I won't lie.

I've already said that I support and will be there for hir through any and all transition, before, during, and after. However, relationshipwise, I can't give a definitive answer no matter how hard I think about it.

I'm upset with myself over the fact that I can't just let down whatever wall I have and let it be perfect. I don't know what to do or say.
Any advice or..anything would be so immensely appreciated.

[TamTam]

Hey,

Don't feel bad about your feelings. I'm a gay woman, too, though my partner is mtf.  Lack of attraction to males is just that.. lack of attraction.  It's not a wall or a block you have to 'get over.'  And I definitely understand the feeling of being freaked out at the thought of close contact, I'm fine with being hugged by guys and everything but there is a certain point where I would feel very uncomfortable.  You're not alone.

I think it's wonderful that you're being supportive of hir and want hir to be happy.  And I also think it's good that you are telling hir the truth, your feelings as they are right now- because not knowing how you will react, is in itself, a very good thing to know and be aware of.  Sometimes, you just have to take it one day at a time, and I think it's really good that you know that.

I think what may help hir is to understand the time frame we're talking about, in terms of transition.  There's no point in hir determining exactly how people will react in the future, or even deciding *right this second* if ze will go all the way in transition [as in, bottom surgery- I assume that's what the main worry is at the moment, if you'd be fine with top surgery].  First there's therapy and hormones and the time it takes to save up enough money.. I'm guessing that even if ze started tomorrow, it'd be at least a year or two before ze could start seriously thinking about bottom surgery.  So at the moment, neither of you really have to start worrying about it, because so much can change in a year.  Your personal comfort level might change, ze might start thinking differently about what ze needs to feel happy with their body.. who knows?  But whatever answer ze thinks ze's going to get out of you right now, it could so easily change that it would never be a definitive answer.

I would try telling hir to not worry, and just go with the flow for a while.  If you encounter any problems, that's when you'll deal with them- you can't deal with them now because they haven't happened yet, and might very well never happen.

It is perfectly okay for you to be unsure about how you will react and feel.  There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, and it doesn't mean you care for hir any less.  Be gentle with yourself, and let yourself some wiggle room to feel the way you feel and get used to things at your own pace.

[Nero]

Hi Rachel. I'm ftm like your partner. I just want to interject that a lot (if not most) of us never have the lower surgery. I don't plan on it. Has your partner said what hir feelings plans for surgery are?

[Red_Rachel]

My partner would like to complete top and bottom surgery, in an ideal world. However, it hangs in the balance a bit because of my feelings about bottom surgery and the male anatomy. I've said that I'm okay with a mastectomy, and ze plans on doing that at least for sure, however I really don't know if there is even any sort of timeline in place.

[TamTam]

Well, both of you should probably know that bottom surgery for ftms is unfortunately not very realistic-looking, in most cases.  It won't be the same size or really look the same as a genetic male's penis.  That seems to be a big reason why most don't have the surgery.

[Lola]

Hello Rachel, I'm not in the exact same situation as you but I can relate to how your feeling right now. I used to be an active bisexual female but for a long time I've been in straight relationships only. My partner is trans MtF and is also (like your partner) pre-everything. I am very afraid that when the physical changes begin I won't be able to feel the same way sexually towards her that I did when we met. I'm also worried about how the relationship will change is many other aspects as well simple things like: will we relate to each other differently? I ended up deciding that I'm going to face those obstacles as they come. But with your partner questioning you that much figuring everything out has got to be even harder to do.

You're being very supportive, maybe you could ask hir for some time and patience in return.

Best Wishes.

[Red_Rachel]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I've shared some with my partner and hope that there is more of an understanding between us about this. I'm kind of sad to say that I feel like ze is kind of waiting on me to change and come around to hir side.

I'm really hoping to here the words from hir, "It's okay," but I haven't heard that yet. I don't know if maybe that is too much to ask to hear, but it would be of so much comfort. I hate feeling like I can't be that perfect support pillar, especially knowing that ze really has nobody else to turn to, and I feel like I should be able to feel 100% about this, because somebody should.

[TamTam]

::hug::

That's an impossible amount of responsibility to put on yourself.. don't forget that you are just as important as ze is in this relationship.  From what I've read, it sounds as though you are being very supportive and that you would always still be their for hir, even if in the future it wasn't in a romantic form.  And that, in my eyes, is you being on hir side.  I do understand that it would be great if someone around hir could be 100% completely cool with it.. but you're a person, too, don't feel guilty if you can't be the one to provide that right now.

Perhaps if there were any support groups ze could go to?  Either online or in person?  Even a therapist- ze'll need a therapist to start transition, anyway.  It would be good if ze did have other support around hir.  Not only would it take the full burden off of you, but it might make hir feel a little more stable and confident and less nervous about where you'll be in a few years.

[Robyn]

Hmmmm.  I thought ze, zim, etc were androgyne/neutrois terms.

My FTM hysband and I have been married almost 9 years.  He has no attraction to the female body, but at our age, the love is what's important.   I'll get to use my new equipment in my next life, and he'll be born 'fully formed.'

Robyn