Pretty sure I'm trans.. but there might be some androgyny mixed in there

[mtfbuckeye]

I wandered over here from the MTF areas of the boards.. Hi everyone!

I decided to post here because I wanted some feedback on this... I've had constant feelings that I "should have been a girl/something's not right with being a boy" since an early age, and I'm seriously considering the male-to-female transition (family issues are the main thing holding me back). I've also had a long history of dating transpeople (both mtf and ftm, at all stages of transition).

However, there's so many ways that I don't fit the "traditional" MtF TS mold, whatever that is. I don't have much desire to dress in the clothes of my "target gender," I'm pretty ambivalent about my male genitals, etc... The thing I want the most right now is HRT (which I'm about a month's worth of therapy away from being accepted for). I want the physical and mental changes female hormones bring.. but even if/when I start HRT, I plan to keep presenting myself to society as "male" for a while.

This is what has brought me over here to the androgyny boards though: I think there's a possibility I might end up in that "middle" area.. on hormones, but not transitioning to living/presenting as a female. Does that mean I'm not truly transgendered? Am I something else?

I clearly have some things to work out in therapy, huh?

[Pica Pica]

Who knows what it means, but you're very welcome to hang around these boards and work it out. Even if you decide there is no androgyne there at all, yer still welcome...can get a little empty here in the middle.

[Jeatyn]

You don't have to be a stereotypically girly girl to be trans, at least I think that's what you meant

[mtfbuckeye]

That's totally true, and if/when I transition, I imagine I'll be a tomboyish, geeky sort of gal.. but I think my questions are more deeply seated than that. I'm still working things out, obviously.

[Jeatyn]

If you do decide to start hormones and then end up not liking it, no harm done, easy enough to stop. Nothing ventured, nothing gained 

[ZaidaZadkiel]

I hope you get to be a stereotypical yourself.
Also, welcome, we have moon cookies, secret companies, and oddly gendered unicorns.
I believe you might like it in here.

[Kendall]

Probably a good thing to mention in therapy. After all, they are being paid to discuss your personal conflicts and issues in life.

[imaz]

You don't have to be a stereotypically girly girl to be trans, at least I think that's what you meant

Very true but sadly there aren't very many people like us who feel that way...

It shouldn't, but all that stereotyping of gender roles really winds me up.

[Birdie]

Also, welcome, we have moon cookies, secret companies, and oddly gendered unicorns.
I believe you might like it in here.

You have cookies AND unicorns?!
I wanna be androgyne now!

Back to the subject, there's nothing wrong with being a tomboy TS. Actually there's nothing wrong with being anything aslong as you're happy and healthy. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with, honey. I was in a middle area for a while too, but the other way around (transitioning but without hormones or medical stuff) so I say if it feels good for you then go for it!

[imaz]

Totally agree with the Tomboy TS business, always been so and always will be.

The secret is to be oneself, may take a while getting there but never let others force you where you don't want to go.

Hey, how do i add my gender in my profile on this site? Can't find the link in "profile"...

[Nicky]

If you go into your profile, you will see a tab that says 'modify profile'. From this you can go into your 'forum profile'. Within this there is a dropdown box to select Male or Female or you can leave it blank. The only other option is to make yourself a custom title.

[Nero]

If you go into your profile, you will see a tab that says 'modify profile'. From this you can go into your 'forum profile'. Within this there is a dropdown box to select Male or Female or you can leave it blank. The only other option is to make yourself a custom title.

oh i just noticed you and nearly everyone else in this section doesn't have that option ticked. duh. 

[Eva Marie]

I hope you get to be a stereotypical yourself.
Also, welcome, we have moon cookies, secret companies, and oddly gendered unicorns.
I believe you might like it in here.

You forgot the fish and bacon

Welcome aboard, we get a little (well, a lot) silly here at times, but we can be serious also.

[Mr. Fox]

In the beginning, it is often easier to just figure out things you want/are for sure and leave the rest undefined.  Like "I want hormones and am not male" rather than "Should I get surgery?  Am I a real girl?  OMFG, I'm gonna hyperventilate."  Yeah, easier said than done.  But it actually is easier to contemplate in a difficult to transition in situation, because if you're 20 with no relationships or barriers, you'll be irritated that you're not doing anything, while if you're married (you) or a minor, you can take your time because you probably have to wait on your parents/spouse anyway.

Here's something to contemplate: If there were no exterior or mental barriers to presenting as female, but rather active encouragement, would you do it then?  There is a difference between being comfortable with permanently satying in your current gender role and being hesitant about transitioning because it would be difficult.

[imaz]

If you go into your profile, you will see a tab that says 'modify profile'. From this you can go into your 'forum profile'. Within this there is a dropdown box to select Male or Female or you can leave it blank. The only other option is to make yourself a custom title.

Thanks Nicky, that was really thick of me!

[Nicky]

Thanks Nicky, that was really thick of me!

No worries, it is an easy thing to miss.

[Laurry]

Howdy 'buckeye

For me, androgyne was the only option.  Even though my body is an "outie", I never really felt male (and Lord knows I've never ever felt like a MAN...just considered myself a "guy").  So that left my only choice as female/woman, right?  But that doesn't work either...as much as I WISH I were a woman, that isn't the case.  When I discovered that just because I'm not one doesn't necessarily mean I HAVE to be the other, the clouds parted, the sun came out and the little birdies began to happily chirp and sing.

I guess what I am saying is that when I allowed myself the option of being neither male nor female, the peace and sense of freedom that came to me were (and still are) overwhelming.

So, take your time, search deeply and find who you really are.

And always remember, nobody said you can't change labels somewhere down the line if needed, and would you really listen to them if they did?

....L

[Pica Pica]

  When I discovered that just because I'm not one doesn't necessarily mean I HAVE to be the other, the clouds parted, the sun came out and the little birdies began to happily chirp and sing.

yep.

[Nero]

If it wasn't for my wife's "transition or family" ultimatum, I'd start HRT as soon as possible. If/when she softens her stance or I have to "transition or die," I'll start HRT. Beyond that, I'm not really sure where my path lies.

Someone asked "if there were no barriers, what would you do?" My gut-level answer is "I'd want to be a woman." However, I think my case is so infected with grey areas that I NEED that period of HRT while still presenting as male to figure out what the hell I need/want.

Does that make any sense?

I get that you love your wife and kids, but they're not the one who got to live in your body. Never make decisions like this for someone else.

[Nicky]

If it wasn't for my wife's "transition or family" ultimatum, I'd start HRT as soon as possible. If/when she softens her stance or I have to "transition or die," I'll start HRT. Beyond that, I'm not really sure where my path lies.

Someone asked "if there were no barriers, what would you do?" My gut-level answer is "I'd want to be a woman." However, I think my case is so infected with grey areas that I NEED that period of HRT while still presenting as male to figure out what the hell I need/want.

Does that make any sense?

It does not sound like things are all that grey. You want to be the woman you are (however that many be), and your wife does not want you to (or really does not want you to become her image of what you would become).

Have you thought of getting a good counsellor and get them to help you sort your stuff out with the wife? This seems to be the main issue in your life at the moment.

It could be you come to the mutual realisation that you can't continue as a couple. I don't think siting about hoping she will 'soften' will work. I tried it for 9 years, nothing changes. While you wait your issues will end up poisoning things anyway. You need to get it out and talked about. If it does come down to splitting up you want things to be out in the open and as amicable as possible so that managing the shared childcare works for both of you.