Where are you at in your Androgyne/Genderqueer/Intergender/Bigender Experience

[Laurry]

I love you people!

LaurieO and Kendra you are my shordurpersavs (Short Duration Personal Saviors: a concept from the Church of the SubGenius)

Madison...I am just amazed.  There are not enough words to say how much I admire your willingness to be completely open and share so much of yourself.  It makes me want to open more and share all of who I am.  It is very touching and humbling to be thought of so highly by you.

I'm not exactly sure whether being a shordurpersav is a good thing or not.  Seems like mighty big shoes to fill.  Last time I looked, I still couldn't walk on water.

but I just don't understand violence. I never have.

Nor do I.  The best I could come up with, is that those who enjoy it must really hate themselves.  They must be in such complete denial about so many things in their lives, that they truly don't have a clue about who, or what kind of person, they are.  While there is some pity, mostly there is disgust...I just can't stand to be around these kind of people.  Most of them are such jerks that it is hard to find any redeeming qualities at all.

........Laurie

[madison]

...how much I admire your willingness to be completely open and share so much of yourself.

Don't be fooled; Willingness might be too strong, and slightly manic act of pleasant desperation might work better. Dumping one's thoughts anywhere to anyone is a truly frightening thing, and that is what I've been doing the past couple of days here. I believe I have made many lucid contributions to the forums in the past, but these "open" posts don't represent that. But what got me posting again, and dumping something more personal just kind of felt necessary, because some of the most valuable posts I have read here were from people who just shared of themselves. Those raw thoughts and emotions, from "real" lives, have done so much to help me see a glimpse of clarity in my own life.

I'm not exactly sure whether being a shordurpersav is a good thing or not.

Yeah I guess that is an obscure reference, but it sure makes me smile. The theory goes that it is just silly to think any one person, idea, goddess, whatever, could possibly meet the needs of being a life long personal savior. Your needs, fear, and troubles change from day to day, heck, moment to moment, and instead of a one true god type of thing, you just pick a short duration personal savior that you can turn to for help, or in this case, thank. Know that it is a good thing. Except that, having had to explain what a shordurpersav was to my shordurpersav was just too much, and now I have chosen a gin & tonic to be my shordurpersav. And I predict tomorrow morning it will be an iced espresso with a dash of cream, and maybe later in the afternoon it will be the first person to make me laugh during lunch.

[Shana A]

Such true words Zythyra. And by the way, I absolutely adore your name! Is there a history there?

When I transitioned in 1993, I tried various names starting with letter S, which is first letter of my birth name. Sally Ann, Sabrina, something else that I can't remember, none of them fit. So I constructed this new name using my male name as the basis. I really like that this name doesn't belong to either gender, like me

Zythyra

[Louise]

...how much I admire your willingness to be completely open and share so much of yourself.

Don't be fooled; Willingness might be too strong, and slightly manic act of pleasant desperation might work better. Dumping one's thoughts anywhere to anyone is a truly frightening thing, and that is what I've been doing the past couple of days here. I believe I have made many lucid contributions to the forums in the past, but these "open" posts don't represent that. But what got me posting again, and dumping something more personal just kind of felt necessary, because some of the most valuable posts I have read here were from people who just shared of themselves. Those raw thoughts and emotions, from "real" lives, have done so much to help me see a glimpse of clarity in my own life.

Madison,
Let me add my thanks for your openness.  Posts like yours are what makes this community what it is.  I could not agree more with your observation that a willingness to share our lives is not only a catharsis for ourselves but is a help to all the rest of us that share in similar feelings and experiences.  Being friends means letting ourselves be vulnerable to one another.  Doing that takes courage.  Thanks for being courageous.

Louise

[Laurry]

now I have chosen a gin & tonic to be my shordurpersav

You have made a wise choice 

Now that I am off the hook, (and thanks for the explanation, BTW), there is a freedom to be my regular old goofy self.  Gee...the pressure of trying to be wise and the fount of compassion has been relieved.  OK, I'm having fun with this, but I guess I was a little freaked out with the whole "personal saviour" thing...regardless of the temporary nature.  Don't feel bad about what you said, Madison, you paid me a compliment and I am the one who couldn't handle it.  It's those old feelings I've always had that I am not as _____ (fill in the blank) as everyone thinks I am, and one of these days they are going to find out.

I know that part of that stems from childhood where I believed (and still do) that I was never quite the son my father wanted me to be.  I know now that it was just another indication that I am not, and never have been, completely male.  I also know that I am not completely female...the classic TS "woman trapped in a man's body" does not apply to me either.  I know that I am more female than male, but not sure where that line is drawn (it tends to move around, which doesn't make it any easier to define).  It is probably somewhere between 60/40 and 67/33.

I was very fortunate to be there when my father died.  I still remember his last words to me.  I told him that I loved him and he said, "I love you too...always have".  I believe that he knew more about who I really was than I did at the time.  I believe that he is smiling now that I have quit hiding behind denial and fear, and began to embrace my true nature.  OK...not sure he would have smiled about the makeup and nail polish, but who knows...every now and then our parents surprise us.

Speaking of family...I will see my Mom, sister & brother-in-law (plus a lot of other extended family) next weekend as my nephew is getting married.  It will be the first time I have seen any of them since I shaved my beard and started letting my hair and nails grow longer.  I know there will be questions from Mom...haven't decided how much to tell her yet.  At 82, she doesn't need to deal with everything at once...but once the door is opened, it's hard to say where things will go.  Y'all be praying for me next Saturday.

.....Laurie 

[Ricki]

Me................
I'm at the stage where i could accept a natural death this very minute...
I'm at the stage where I have enough willpower to go to sleep and get up tomorrow and try again!
I'm at the stage where i am in a holding pattern, waiting for something?
Not sure what?
I'm at the stage where i simply do not know what tomorrow hold's for me i plan certain things and they happen but gender reality is not something i can plan or control.
I'm at the stage where my struggle is not with my physical looks or dressing or passing is the issue but rather the emotional concept of trying to control my gender be female in the male body live and function pretty much in what seems two different worlds...  That's dysfunctional isn;t it?
I'm at the stage where I'm still a girl, still have a man's body (and pretty much always will) still have a closed minded resentful family that ironically JUST LOVES ME TO DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have a few friends who love and understand me for who i am and who i'm not...
I'm at a stage where the past month or so at Susan's has lifted my spirits somewhat and have given me new friends and support when i needed it and that stage is a good one for now!  to all of you for that!
I'm at the stage where i cannot explain but but somehow am either waiting for or wishing for something "BIG" to happen just do not know what that entails or means?  I have been praying a lot over this past few years looking for guidance, asking for help, asking for answers, seeking something that maybe my Lord or angels can only help me with?
Stage 5 on the ts ricki scale!
R

[Laurry]

Ricki...be careful what you ask for...The Lord does have a sense of humor.

I'm at the stage where I have enough willpower to go to sleep and get up tomorrow and try again!

I like this.  Hope you don't mind if I steal it.  It describes our daily struggles as "daily" yet provides hope for tomorrow.

I'm at the stage where i am in a holding pattern, waiting for something?
Not sure what?
I'm at the stage where i simply do not know what tomorrow hold's for me i plan certain things and they happen but gender reality is not something i can plan or control.

Between the waiting here and the Stage 5 later, it seems like you sense some major change(s) coming to your life.  It is good to hear that you appear to be looking forward to them, rather than having a "sense of impending doom"...none of us can control what happens to us in our lives, all we can control is how we react when they do.  If you truly are waiting, when the time comes, embrace it.  Find the positives (however hidden they may be) and focus on them.  Who knows, could be your worst nightmare...you may have to move to Texas <<Laurie makes the sign of the cross with her fingers>>

I'm at the stage where my struggle is not with my physical looks or dressing or passing is the issue but rather the emotional concept of trying to control my gender be female in the male body live and function pretty much in what seems two different worlds...  That's dysfunctional isn;t it?

The true crux of the matter.  Once the mind is at peace, the rest of the world falls into place.  As our feelings of self-acceptance become stronger, and our understanding of "this is me" increases in depth, they way we are perceived by others changes.  If one has complete acceptance of their womanhood and are convinced in their heart of hearts that they are female, and make no apologies for how they look, I believe most people will accept them as women, even if they look like body builders with beards.  (Arnold-etta the bearded lady?)   The problem comes when our self-doubt kicks in and we betray our need for acceptance from others.  When you depend on somebody else to make you happy, you insure that it isn't going to happen.

It's the old "Perception is Reality" thing.  Just as what we perceive about our surroundings becomes our reality, what we broadcast determines how others perceive us.  Most people can detect when others are being real or being false (fake).  The closer our actions match who we really are, the higher the level of acceptance from others.  This doesn't mean they have to like you, (some people, deep down, really are a-holes, and I genuinely accept the fact that they are), but they will accept the authenticity of your projection.

...Uhh..I think I got lost in that last paragraph...bottom line, the more you truly believe, the more you project that belief to others.  (Why didn't I say that in the first place??  Dunno, slow I guess)

I'm at the stage where I'm still a girl, still have a man's body (and pretty much always will) still have a closed minded resentful family that ironically JUST LOVES ME TO DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's not to love, honey?  Oh yeah, just the fact that you believe you are a girl and want to dress in skirts.  They should be happy that you're not a murdering drug dealer..."I know, he's horrible and deserves to spend the rest of his life in jail...but at least he's a "real" man."  Sheesh...Hell, if you're gonna spend the rest of you life in jail, wouldn't it be better if you were gay?

OK, not nice to make fun of a tough situation, and I'm the last one who should give advice when it comes to dealing with your family.  But you are truly a nice person.  Why wouldn't anyone "love you to death"?  What they don't realize is that the reason you ARE such a nice person is BECAUSE you have those female qualities such as compassion and understanding.  If you behaved like the stereotypical High School "Jock" or (Southern Term Warning) Redneck, you would be such a jerk that nobody would want to be around.

I'm at a stage where the past month or so at Susan's has lifted my spirits somewhat and have given me new friends and support when i needed it and that stage is a good one for now!  to all of you for that!

One of the reasons that Susan's is such a wonderful place is because people participate in the discussions and share their thoughts and feelings.  You are as large a reason for the success of Susan's Place as any of the rest of us.


On a side note...It's about time you added a "close up" picture.  Just a CYT, ain't cha? 

....Laurie

[madison]

Kendra, I just wanted to let you know I'm really trying to take your advice to heart, and am going to try harder to take those steps that will help me be truer to myself, and find that true open place where I might find peace.

While a trivial thing, today when I got home from work, when I would typically change into something more comfortable, e.g. a comfy blouse and skirt or whatever, my sister had a friend over visiting. In the past, feeling too self conscious, or that it simply wasn't worth the hassle, I would have simply put on something more "gender appropriate," and forgone my comfort zone. Instead I chose to stick with my "real" habits and just be my "real" self. I threw on some casual attire I would normally hang out in, and just went on about my business of making an after work snack and drink. We all talked for a bit without incident and said good-byes, as it turned out she was already in the process of leaving.

Admittedly this wasn't a major step as this person has seen me in various states of en femme in the past, but nonetheless, I would typically have not changed, because of some self conscious notion that if I "dress" too often in front of my friends, people will think I'm obsessed. So while not the biggest life changing event, it is one little step towards just being.

Similarly, my other roommates girlfriend has seen me wearing various genderbent outfits, even complimented a jean skirt I was wearing one day when we went to the grocery store to pick up stuff for dinner. And yet, the other day, after putting together an amazingly cute sort of punky pink and black feminine ensemble, short black pants-pink cami under an off the shoulder black and pink striped sweater-black choker-black headband-big 70's style pink plastic earrings-light makeup-and black pumps, I actually debated changing into something more conservative when I remembered she would by that evening. While she already knew that I owned and wore feminine apparel, this particular outfit was just more femme enough to make me get self-conscious. Similar to the first example, I convinced myself of how silly I was being, and just went on with my evening. My roommate and his girlfriend came home, we made dinner, and she (quite a fashion junky herself) made special point to tell me how cute I looked. And it was so obviously earnest that I'm sure I blushed. Instead of experiencing some sort of psychic failure, throwing on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, I got to have an ego building moment. She even went so far as to ask if I had a shirt she could borrow that might fit since she forgot to bring anything for work the next day.

I will try to keep you abreast of any further progress that may come from your well received advice. One thing definitely on the agenda is talking more with my sister and other roommate, who are well aware I will wear a wide assortment of fashion. The funny thing is while perfectly comfortable around them, it is sort of the elephant in the living room kind of situation where we've never really talked much about it and the larger implications it has on who I am.

Thanks again.

[Kendall]

Today we have a very special guest. Our topic for today is how mix and match your powertools with this years fashion trends...

<practicing my opening dialogue to the show>

[Laurry]

Just hope it's not Tina the Toolgirl Taylor...

I can see it now...how to hem your new evening formal using a Binford Pistol-Grip Soldering Gun, a Binford Model 2000 High Velocity Nail Gun and 2 spools of Pink silk thread. 

[Ricki]

Oh Laurie you are a genius!  Your words elude a reply from me worthy to even be a compliment!
So this will shock you i will give a speechless second on your behalf (................................................speechless time here........................)
Okay! you're welcome!
Thank you soo much!
I do not have a power tool for the fashion trend although i know if you crank up your oven to 450 degrees or hotter use gasoline or something ignitable this help with heat distribution-, and throw in "tweeds" Plaids, and silk rayon blended fabrics, hmmm you could have a tasty little char broiled mini skirt after throwing the ashes into a leaf mulcher and adding some water and glue!
Hfm....
Tommy Hilfiger watch out!

[Laurry]

i will give a speechless second on your behalf (................................................speechless time here........................)

This is something I thought I would never live long enough to see...Ricki speechless...LOL

The funny thing is while perfectly comfortable around them, it is sort of the elephant in the living room kind of situation where we've never really talked much about it and the larger implications it has on who I am.

Madison,  it truly is strange that our natural human tendency is to pretend that we do not see things like this...anything to avoid an in-depth discussion of awkward subjects.  I have found myself in several such situations that, looking back, can't believe nothing was ever said.  Subjects range from money to spousal behaviour to sex (or lack of).

There is a part of me that thinks this is pretty strange, yet, at some level, it is comforting and almost something to play with.  It makes me want to push the line to see just where it ends.  I have to admit that I sometimes I wear brighter colored eyeshade or nail polish just to see how people will react.  I know it sounds a little twisted (and not necessarily in the true spirit of androgyny), but everytime I do this and see how little people notice (or react) it makes it easier for me to be comfortable in public while dressed in a mixed or cross gender fashion.

Although I have known all my life that I am not fully a male (nor did I ever believe I was a female), it has only been recently that I have fully understood my gender identity.  It has been a journey of examination, introspection and experimentation.  A lot of it has been scary, as I didn't want to talk about the elephant, even with myself.  The amazing sense of peace and freedom that has come by actually dealing with this has made all of the hard work pale by comparison.

I hope that you also find that peace and freedom when you have your "elephant in the living room" talk with your sister and other roomate.

.....Laurie

[madison]

LaurieO said:

Although I have known all my life that I am not fully a male (nor did I ever believe I was a female), it has only been recently that I have fully understood my gender identity.  It has been a journey of examination, introspection and experimentation.  A lot of it has been scary, as I didn't want to talk about the elephant, even with myself.  The amazing sense of peace and freedom that has come by actually dealing with this has made all of the hard work pale by comparison.

AMEN sister-man! I could have written those exact words. While convinced I have a long strange road ahead of me, just choosing to deal with it in any serious manner in the past year has affected me in ways that would be impossible to convey here.

So where am I at this stage, now? I am at the stage where I am truly beginning to find peers and friends that know! [wipes a joyful tear from eye ).

And I'm also thankful for your input LaurieO, you keep me from turning these topics turn into didactic excerpts from academic journals on gender-dysphoria. You are my shordurpersav again.

[Laurry]

And I'm also thankful for your input LaurieO, you keep me from turning these topics turn into didactic excerpts from academic journals on gender-dysphoria. You are my shordurpersav again.

Aww Shucks, Maddy

While there is always a need to discuss these subjects in a serious and thoughtful manner, (and I try...I really try)...I just can't pass up an opportunity to be a smart-aleck when presented with an irresistable set up line.  Just my nature, I guess...not only was I blessed with the ability to transcend the male/female bipolar monopoly (just made that up, but it sounds good, doesn't it?) but I was also given an optimistic nature and an enlarged sense of the absurd.  My sweetie calls it "geek humor", but what does she know, look who she hangs out with...

As for the shordurpersav thing...I am honored (but not freaked out this time).  Maybe because I know that soon I will transgress the boundries of persav-hood and once again be relegated to the mere mortal I am while wearing this corruptable shell.  (OK, that was too much even for me).

I agree with you that finding peers and friends who really understand is a great thing...probably the main reason I spend so much time here.  There is a real sense of community and true friendship, even if it is with people we have only met online.  In some ways, friendships developed online have a greater depth, in part because you can share the secrets you have been hiding for years without having to look somebody in the eye.  I find it much easier to write my feelings and thoughts...taking time to choose the exact word...going back to rewrite sections that don't sound "right".  Telling these things to somebody in person, real time, unedited, is a lot harder and thus probably wouldn't happen.  Even with pictures, this is still an anonymous medium.  You know me as Laurie, you see a picture that may or may not really be me, you know I claim to live in the Dallas area...but for all intents and purposes, I could be anybody you pass on the street of your own home town.  That's a big difference than having to tell someone, face to face, that I REALLY LOVE having my nails painted and never leave the house without wearing ladies undies, (both of which are true, by the way).

As I continue my journey of self-discovery and quest for self-expression, it is a great comfort to know that there are some great people following a similar path.  There are many paths through the Land of Transgender...some lead us to crossdress...some lead us to a life opposite our birth sex...some just lead us on a grand tour, with stops in many areas...and some, lead us to walk that blessed edge of Androgyny.  The life of an Androgyne sometimes seems like a tightrope walk, with male on one side and female on the other, and the rope swaying, sometimes wildly, between the two.  It's not easy maintaining your balance, but to me, the insights and understanding, the strength and compassion, that our position brings is more than ample reward for the trials we must endure.  (Aw heck, there I go again...one should never wax poetic when they should be sleeping)

Anyway, for the support I have received, and the friends I have made here at Susan's, I am eternally grateful.

Love y'all.........Laurie

[Ricki]

This is a nice post and you guys (ha-hum girls,...)say nice things.. That means a lot to us or at leats me that sometimes are coming in here for a little while to escape the world and reality and hear these things and read it!
thanks
ricki

[Laurry]

This is a nice post and you guys (ha-hum girls,...)say nice things..

Gee...two guesses about who says nice things, and they are both wrong...  Sorry Ricki  ... I couldn't resist!

But it wasn't just to pick on Ricki that I posted to this...(sorry baby, but you were a second thought this time).  It struck me as I read "guys (ha-hum girls)"  that you could be both or neither, but each term by itself is incorrect.  I know I am not all man because I think and act in ways a woman would on a very frequent basis.  But I also know I'm not a woman either, so in a sense, I am neither one.  Yet, sometimes I am very manly and feel, think and behave as a stereotypical man would.  Other times, like tonight, I feel definately female, (I even noticed my walk had changed this evening, and not on purpose...not sure what is going on with that...Full moon tonight?)  Therefore, I am both.  So I am neither and both; male and not male; female and not female.  I am just me.  The feelings that evoke in me when I stop and think about it are really pretty amazing.  I mean, I know it can be hard (and dangerous) to to live so far outside the societal norms (they still ain't ready for a guy in a dress, no matter how cute her legs are), but when I think about the blessing of understanding both the male and female mind (at least to some extent) and the freedom (a lot of the time) to chose your actions based on how you feel and want, not restricted by what a Man would do (or what a Woman would do), it is a truly wonderful gift.  (Wow, a 5-line sentence, and it wasn't a run on...yee haw!)

......Laurie

[Ricki]

Laurie, sweets!  You are righter than you know.. I mean my issues and desires will never change i know in my heart i should be a full woman its just distressing to have come the route i have (and yes i admit i am in a position to take full advantage of being a man or male on the outside..) Thing is i fear i have held too much in and not expressed enough of me as who i am.  I am a complicated woman let me tell ya, my mom called me a bitch once and i almost laughed then cried cause i thought it was the sweetest thing she ever said to me! hehe...
I need to develope my female inside in a way that reflects with the unchanged male, as i do that i think i will basially give off "hey I'm gay or enfemme queer" you now what i mean?  I actually at this point in my life do not fear that and think that a change or direction is better than none at all.. Your thoughts on this would be appreciated! 
Meshing the two will not be a complete act and as i have weaved my way through society as a guy on the outside i see some advantages to it and lots of disadvantages!
My old boss was a real old school red neck womanizer and the way he talked about women behind closed doors used to make me SICK!  I literally wanted to turn him in to our boss but at what cost would of that been to me?
Anyway.....................
I am convinced of my issues ts.. But as i transiton differently i may benefit from others who are androgenous-gender queer- is-you name it i could benefit form the info and help definately!  As i said my transition is more mental and emotional and somehow have to fit that into this hairy little body with that thing between the legs,, Agghhhhhhhhh
cyber kisses
R

[Laurry]

I am a complicated woman let me tell ya, my mom called me a bitch once and i almost laughed then cried cause i thought it was the sweetest thing she ever said to me!

You can always count on Mom to give you a compliment and a put-down all at once.  So, tell me, are you?  I like the line my best friend uses when someone calls her that...she says "It's a family tradition and my mom would be very disappointed in me if I didn't carry it on." 

I need to develope my female inside in a way that reflects with the unchanged male, as i do that i think i will basially give off "hey I'm gay or enfemme queer" you now what i mean?  I actually at this point in my life do not fear that and think that a change or direction is better than none at all.. Your thoughts on this would be appreciated! 

Yes, I know exactly what you mean, and sometimes have a struggle with that too.  Unfortunately, our society has been conditioned such that being an effeminate man equates to being the "girl" in a gay relationship.  I know I am not gay...guys, as cute as they can be, just don't "light my fire".  It's more a mental thing...I am simply attracted to the female mind.  As far as which body that happens to be in...I have to admit that I have fantasies about both. 

So, how do I deal with my need to express my feminine side while knowing what people may think?  I would like to tell you that I just do it and don't worry about it, but that isn't entirely true.  Sometimes that is exactly what I do.  Other times, I try to convince myself I don't care, but I "chicken out" and either give up going where I had planned, or remove the item that causes me the greatest fear (currently my two biggest hang-ups are lipstick and breast forms).  Getting better about the lipstick, but still dealing with the other.  I tend to gravitate to wearing jewelry (rings, watch, necklace), less noticable nail polish (my favorite "safe" nail polish is Revlon Sheer Innocence #013...it is a pinkish translucense), and earth-toned eyeshadow and mascara.  I also have let my nails grow somewhat (not sure at this point just where I will settle on length).  This allows me to appear more feminine, while not trying to be fully female.  It also seems to me to not scream "gay" as some other options.  Add the fact that my hair is growing out some (while still displaying signs of big-time receding hairline and the obvious signs of a bald spot starting to show in the back) and it presents a more androgynous appearance than one of a "girly man".

Hope sharing of how I deal with my expression needs gives you some ideas.

Meshing the two will not be a complete act and as i have weaved my way through society as a guy on the outside i see some advantages to it and lots of disadvantages!
My old boss was a real old school red neck womanizer and the way he talked about women behind closed doors used to make me SICK!  I literally wanted to turn him in to our boss but at what cost would of that been to me?
Anyway.....................
I am convinced of my issues ts.. But as i transiton differently i may benefit from others who are androgenous-gender queer- is-you name it i could benefit form the info and help definately!  As i said my transition is more mental and emotional and somehow have to fit that into this hairy little body with that thing between the legs,, Agghhhhhhhhh
cyber kisses
R

Guys like your old boss are one of the main reasons I don't like "men".  Gay men are not much better (even if they are better dressed  ), as they still retain the male mindset.

While I don't pretend to speak for anybody but me, it seems to me that transition is 90% mental.  Examining who you are and how you want to be perceived is an evolving process.  Additionally, learning to deal with presenting yourself in public is a building process...remember the first time you went out in public wearing one item, and how scary, but exhilarating, it was?  It wasn't that long ago that I wore a ladies watch and rings to the store for the first time...now, no big deal.  As I do not feel the need to begin HRT or obtain SRS, the biggest part of my "transition" is learning to feel comfortable in public.

Don't know if this helps any, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Love ya......Laurie

[Ricki]

Laurie!  Yes it does very much soo!  You words mean a lot and i know there is a person behind them who cares to write them that helps too, there are others on this site that do that and i deeply appreciate the communication.
I understand what you are saying...

t seems to me that transition is 90% mental.  Examining who you are and how you want to be perceived is an evolving process.

my look has to be emotional at this point which is still a bigger priority than ever changing my appearance as a male.. I have some stability issues that I have not overcome to a better % yet?  not oving myself completely, finding consistent happiness, etc...
The emotional transition will show and does in some ways in the guy in me.
As a guy i have been routinely called a prick or bastard which makes me think coworkers or my employees think i am a jerk or have an attidude?  I dunno that's comlicated quite a few years of military service have gven me a certain attitude when it comes to work, work ethics, how you present yourself, overcoming problems, being straightforward (which a lot of people are not good with) maybe that's why people confuse real pride and being stand-up as being a jerk or a prick! 
As a little boy / girl i was scared shy reserved afraid of the whole world as a teenager i got a little braver but in the military (gender issues completely aside here) being young, scared 18 years old the impact it made on me is not one of waste or loss, it instilled some things in me i may have never gotten out of life or regular civilian life!  PRIDE, UPRIGHTNESS, SENSE OF URGENCY, EXCELENT ETHICS FOR THE WORK OR JOB IM DOING, always having that sense of fear that makes you braver or taller as opposed to being scared!  fear is not a bad thing, it tingles your senses, makes you aware, sets you on a 110% edge.. it can be manipulated, anger is the same thing it can be manipulated, well and that's a abd thing cause i used that against myself too easily years back..
You know what I mean?
Anyway back to gender....

As I do not feel the need to begin HRT or obtain SRS, the biggest part of my "transition" is learning to feel comfortable in public.

I agree not transitioning does not mean i am not trying to change my personna or way i appear just a lot of fine lines to work through, too easily its interpretted as gay or just enfemminate..that's not the image  want but it seems somehow one of those two will befall me....
I could wear a bra with nothing in it under two shirts and a coat and i am paranoid people can see it? dah!
Oh am i..hehe a bitch?  Well if you take the male things i'm accused of being a prick or bastard then i guess as a female i am (not a bitch i would hope) but bitchy i think???  ya probably to the immediate people around me i am more bitchy.. years passed and i changed?  I always used to be happy go lucky, always funny and upbeat but these past 10 years have been hard years and my personality changed some...I have good days and bad bad days i guess i tend to put an outward personality of being modoy or bitchy...
Thanks Laurie!  Have a slice of cake on me!
CYBER smooch!
R

[Mia and Marq]

Again I'm working my way slowly through some of the older topics that still have a lot of activity like this one so I'll share as much my current experience as possible.

The last couple days, I've been preparing as many people as I can in my day to day life for the behavioral changes I'm demonstrating now that I'm letting my two personas have free range of my life. What this means is now that I know why I had demonstrated sensitivity in the past, I can better utilize my time with people to converse with them in an appropriate manner. Most noticably my wife having known me for many years and interactions over those years have had a certain structure to them. Now that I'm taking a more understanding approach because I'm empowered by Mia's grace, I talk to her differently. She was not prepared for this change and its going to take time before we can solidify a new structure to our communication. A simply way to put it, shes got to get used to me being less confrontational so she doesn't have to respond with more confrontation. We don't expect things to just be the way they were before but we're growing as one couple and it strengthens our bond.

This new way of talking with people has had some interesting effects. I was in the office at work today talking with two gentlemen coworkers. These gentlemen were sitting on the far side of the office doing their work as they should be doing(no thanks to me), and I struck up a conversation with them both. By the time I had to go, the three of us were huddled together having a rather close and flowing conversation. My conversational graces this morning lured them over to a more intimate setting. When I say intimate, I mean a more close and personal experience. We definitely were not talking like 3 coworkers might normally have done. It was wonderful.

In case anyone was wondering what I did (not conciously I add) to lure them boys over to me was start at a volume they both could hear me at and subtlely lowered my voice slowly while softening my words until we were all huddled next to my desk all speaking softly. Neither of them noticed, neither did I that it was occuring, but we were having a meaningful and well presented conversation. If all my conversations with men and women are going to end up like that, wow, yeah I could get used to the graces of Mia running my social structure.

Where were you all my life Mia, oh thats right you've been there with me the whole time, I felt it, I just wasn't letting you say very much. Well Marq sees you now and we're glad we're one. Glee!

More to come as the changes are noticed.

-Us