What is going on here?

[IluvAUs]

Hello all. I'm new to this site, but there is something very pressing on my mind right now that cannot simply be ignored.

I am currently a girl living in the 'bible belt' of the United States. I know for a fact that I am bisexual, and yet now I'm wondering if perhaps there is more to it.

Lately I've been hit by these desires to be more masculine, to wear men's clothing, etcetera. I've even (please do not laugh) stuck a sock down the front of my jeans to emulate what it would be like to have what a man has. It sounds crazy, but it felt natural to me. Within minutes I adjusted to having it there. And when I removed it, it felt like something was missing. That feeling went away within a few minutes, but it was still there.

What's REALLY crazy is that I LIKE being a girl, I LIKE having breasts and everything, even dressing in stereotypically feminine clothing (sometimes), but it still felt so natural to have that sock there. And I've had FEMINISTIC thoughts before, but never MALE.

I've read up on transitioning, but I don't really think it's for me. I am an aspiring actress and singer, and I have the ability to hit some extraordinarily high notes. I DO NOT want to lose that.

So what on earth is going on? Am I just going through some weird phase or is this something else?


^{edit - personal info}

[Jaimey]

How about gender fluid?  Or androgyne?  There are a lot of people who feel like both and who go from one to the other.  My voice is also one thing that is keeping me from wanting to transition and sometimes I'm perfectly fine with my female body.  I'm somewhere between androgyne and ftm.  You might read through the androgyne forum.

Btw, I also live in the Bible Belt. 

[Ashley315]

I live in the Bible Belt as well.  Isn't is just great?   

As stated above, do some research on androgynes.  See if that sounds more like you. 

[Nicky]

There are lots of ways to be my dear. One possibility is that you could be a female crossdresser - a woman that identifies as a woman but has a desire to wear male clothing and feel masculine, or you could be a drag king - a woman that likes the performance of playing a man (with the added benefits of all the curious men and women lusting after you). That might interest your actress self.  Pick a label, try it on, reject it if it does not fit. Have fun with it.

My advise is to explore this side of yourself just as you have been doing. You might find occasionaly dressing is all you need to feel good, or maybe you find you need more. You might want to investigate if there is a local transgender/crossdresser group you could join. They might have nights were you can go dressed up if you feel like it. This might provide the outlet you need. Be prepared for the possibility that what you want changes over time. Sometimes these feelings are just the tip of the iceberg and sometimes they are the extent of it.

Enjoy the exploration of self! It can be incredibly fun and exciting.

and nice to meet you!

[IluvAUs]

Thank you all so much for the advice! It's nice to know some people are willing to listen and give advice.

I will certainly look up more information on androgynes and continue to explore this. However, this exploration must be done on the sly for my parents are more than slightly homophobic. They would not kick me out of the house, but they would turn it into the Spanish Inquisition. (How do you know?, You can't be, you're..., you get the idea.)

There are not many GLBT resources where I live, however, if my auditions were good enough, I will be attending a residential school for the performing arts in a town where there ARE such programs for youth. And as it is an ARTS school, I will surely meet more acceptance THERE than I would attempting to crossdress in my conservative, entirely academic environment.

Next time I get dragged out shopping with my grandmother, I'll find a way to keep her far away from me while I buy some men's hygeinic products (just to try them). xD

[Nicky]

Sounds like a plan.

Once you start your school, you could always 'crossdress' and say you are practising getting into a male character to broaden your acting skills   

[IluvAUs]

That would make sense, considering that when we read plays in English classes, somehow I always get stuck with secondary male roles or minor female roles no one wants. 

And a lot of times, when I write poetry (especially love poetry), it's from the male perspective.

I used to be a pretty major tomboy too. My hair was cut short from the time I was a little kid until I had just passed puberty. Even AFTER I developed physically, people STILL mistook me for a boy. Even DESPITE clear evidence to the contrary. It ticked me off at that time, but now (if/when it happens) I just correct them and move on, or ignore it and answer to the male pronoun. It depends on whether I have time to deal with correcting people or not.

[Nicky]

There seems to be a lot of information online about male impresonators (e.g. Hetty King, Vesta Tilly, Michael jackson  , just kidding). Facinating stuff, plenty of excellent balck and white photography to look at. That might interest you. If you are after related fiction the only book I can think of off the top of my head is 'tipping the velvet'. Ccombines male impersonation and lesbian love story/erotica/womens rights - set in the 18 hundreds I think. The tv mini series of it was pretty good too.

Might not be the direction you are going or want to head, but I thought this kind of thing might appeal to your actress self.

[IluvAUs]

I actually saw a bit of that series on TV one time this week before I had to leave for play practice.

It was a really good series!

xDD 'Michael Jackson' (likes MJ's old music, but not really the person himself)

Still haven't had much chance to do anything yet, but I'm keping my fingers crossed for the results of the audition for the program... the results should be here any day now...

[luna]

Hey, and welcome.

I'm in the bible belt too. I'm starting to think we need a regional get-together. xD

[Jaimey]

Hey, and welcome.

I'm in the bible belt too. I'm starting to think we need a regional get-together. xD

Indeed!

[IluvAUs]

It would be nice to have that, but we would probably be raided by a ton of homophobes and transphobes with guns, torches, pitchforks and crosses...

That really ticks me off, how some narrow-minded people use the Bible to justify their own stupid hate. Last I checked, neither of the main Christian figures were the hating sort...

[Jaimey]

It would be nice to have that, but we would probably be raided by a ton of homophobes and transphobes with guns, torches, pitchforks and crosses...

Actually, I live in a very tolerant city.  I know, it's a surprise, right?  But Louisville's pretty large and very artsy.  We just need stay away from small towns...where they actually have pitchforks, torches, and crosses...

[IluvAUs]

Ok, it's been forever since I've been on here. School's been keeping me busy, but I figure it's time for an update.

Now that I've done a bit more reflection, I think a fitter emblem of what I am is probably a drag king, as I love the thought of performing that masculine role. (Particularly emulating the dark, seductive pull of The Phantom of the Opera... (God, I'd LOVE to have (or act like) a man like that... minus the whole obsessive, controlling thing...))

I didn't make it into my arts school so I'm stuck (dammit) in this BibleBelt, academic hell-hole for another two freaking years.

[luna]

Where at in the bible belt? I'm stuck in SC, it can be hell.

[IluvAUs]

I'm in SC too! Stupid Upstate... Grah!

[luna]

I'm in SC too! Stupid Upstate... Grah!

Me too. I can't find support groups or people anywhere, it sucks. Sure there's stuff in Charleston, Columbia, and even Asheville, but heaven forbid we have help or support here. I once tried to start a support group, but I don't have enough time or money. ~sigh~

[IluvAUs]

I know! (I can't even find a girl to DATE in this area. We have almost ZERO lesbians, bisexual girls, or bi-curious girls in this area... and I'm also a bit shy in approaching anyone to ask, considering the disastrous effects I dealt with a previous time, so yeah.)

[luna]

I know what you mean. I'm not even bothering to look for a girl who wouldn't care that I'm MtF.

Although I actually found one and even came out to her, she's married. It's nice to finally have a friend, though.

[imaz]

I know! (I can't even find a girl to DATE in this area. We have almost ZERO lesbians, bisexual girls, or bi-curious girls in this area... and I'm also a bit shy in approaching anyone to ask, considering the disastrous effects I dealt with a previous time, so yeah.)

Surely there must be some Lesbian Cafes, Bars and Clubs fairly close?

Even here in the UK "Qur'an Belt" we have them!