Possibly a redundant question....

[findingreason]

....but why the hell do I not mind to much being male lately and then suddenly the desire to transition comes and bites me hard and fast, with pretty much little or no warning? I was in a room where girls outnumbered the guys, I saw them and such, and bam, there goes the whole ordeal all over again. I had thought for 3 weeks in a row I could live fine as a guy, and that perhaps I'm androgyne or someone with qualities of both genders and blur the line completely on gender altogether. But meh here comes this again.

I'm alright again with being male at this time, but I'm just, I don't know what to expect lol. I almost get the feeling that SHE is saying inside me "I'm not going to leave you alone and I will continue to show up when you least expect me, until you acknowledge me, accept me, AND do something about it."

Good news, I'm actually seeing a counselor/therapist this week, and while not a GID expert or anything, at least I can get a move on with getting my stuff together hopefully.

[V M]

Unfortunately the feeling never really goes away. No matter how much you fight it. I'm in my forties and wishing I'd transitioned long ago. I had the money and the desire then. But was too afraid. Now I feel like I robbed myself of a happier life and wasted too much time and money trying to please others who took a crap on me anyway 

[Just Kate]

....but why the hell do I not mind to much being male lately and then suddenly the desire to transition comes and bites me hard and fast, with pretty much little or no warning? I was in a room where girls outnumbered the guys, I saw them and such, and bam, there goes the whole ordeal all over again. I had thought for 3 weeks in a row I could live fine as a guy, and that perhaps I'm androgyne or someone with qualities of both genders and blur the line completely on gender altogether. But meh here comes this again.

I'm alright again with being male at this time, but I'm just, I don't know what to expect lol. I almost get the feeling that SHE is saying inside me "I'm not going to leave you alone and I will continue to show up when you least expect me, until you acknowledge me, accept me, AND do something about it."

Good news, I'm actually seeing a counselor/therapist this week, and while not a GID expert or anything, at least I can get a move on with getting my stuff together hopefully.

I refer to this as an attack of my GID symptoms.  GID symptoms seem to come in waves.  Sometimes it is a like a slight buzzing in the back of my mind, barely detectable unless I focus on it while other times some stimulus (or sometimes seemingly nothing at all) will occur and it comes screaming back to the forefront and it becomes hard to think of anything else.

I have found that the longer I go with my GID in the dormant stage typically the stronger it returns once it comes back.  The alleviate this and prevent massive "GID blowback," when I'm in one of the periods where my GID symptoms are less severe, I still act like I am dealing with the symptoms.  For instance, I still try to do things that help me feel at peace with myself as a female, or do feminine things even if, at that moment, they feel unnecessary.  By doing this, when the GID returns, it isn't nearly as intense as I've been continuing to ease it even when it wasn't that strong.

It is kind of like walking on a broken foot.  It can be easy to walk on it so long as you don't feel any pain - you might even thing it isn't broken anymore, but you are still damaging it.  Eventually, you walk on it enough, the pain shoots up through your leg and you realize, holy crap, my food is still broken.  It is how I see my GID.  It is like my broken foot.  Sometimes it doesn't hurt so I just act like it isn't there, and walk on it.  But when I do that, I'm actually making the GID worse, so when I do feel that shot of pain, it is intense.  Now, had I been nursing my foot even when it wasn't in pain, I wouldn't have worsened the break, or in other words, made my GID symptoms worse.

[findingreason]

Unfortunately the feeling never really goes away. No matter how much you fight it. I'm in my forties and wishing I'd transitioned long ago. I had the money and the desire then. But was too afraid. Now I feel like I robbed myself of a happier life and wasted too much time and money trying to please others who took a crap on me anyway 

Yeah, unfortunately.....if I look back at my posts a year ago when I joined here, I was dealing with it. If I look back another year, I was dealing with it. If I look back 8 years, I was dealing with it, but did not realize that yet. I don't like it, in fact I hate even the idea of saying such a thing is possible.

I have envy in some ways of an SO of mine who is male, I know I believe I am a mix of the two genders. But I worry that what if it comes from a inferiority complex as I am now with the world and how I raised? Thing is I've convinced myself that's what it was the last time, and then I stopped HRT as well, and 3 weeks later regardless....here I am now.

[V M]

Back for more. Maybe now is the time. But only you can truly decide 

[Janet_Girl]

We have discussed this before.  GID comes in waves, and regardless of what some may think there is no escaping it or ignoring it.

None of us asked for this, but we have it.  Most people have no idea what it is like for us.  They have the lies they tell themselves, but until they are here, they will never understand.  People will suffer for years, before they make the decision to do something about GID.  I suffered for years with the back and forth nonsense.  But I made the choice to allow myself to totally surrender to my GID.

There is but one cure for this affliction.  And that is to quit fighting it.  The more one fights the worse it will become.  You don't know how many times I convinced myself that 'this is going to be the last time'.  That is so much crap.  The only last time, for me, was when I made the choice to transition.

My dear Interalia,
I truly wish the best for you and the choices that you have been made.  But I think that there will come a time when it will be too much for you to bear.  May your faith keep you strong, my Dear.  You are an intelligent young person, with a good life ahead of you.  Don't be blindsided by a lull in the fighting.

As for you. most beloved Findingreason, you will go through some tough times ahead, as long as you think you have control of your GID.  But as Virginia said, it is your choice and your's alone.

As you said you have been back time and time again.  You need to truly find the reasons you keep fighting it.  No Bull, just pure honesty with yourself.  No blaming others.  You and you alone keep yourself fighting.  I have my own ideas, but there are mine alone.

But you are still family and we only want the best for you.

Just My Humble Opinion,
Janet

[imaz]

I once saw a psychoanalyst many years ago who had this theory that GID was connected to the seasons. Fairly crazy stuff but he could possibly have a point. If one looks at animal behaviour, it's very much season orientated and at the end of the day we too are mammals, albeit highly evolved ones.

Yes, I believe in evolution!

[Just Kate]

I once saw a psychoanalyst many years ago who had this theory that GID was connected to the seasons. Fairly crazy stuff but he could possibly have a point. If one looks at animal behaviour, it's very much season orientated and at the end of the day we too are mammals, albeit highly evolved ones.

Yes, I believe in evolution!

Well people tend to be more depressed as the amount of daylight dwindles in the later months of the year.  Depression tends to provoke more GID symptoms so... I guess that theory works.

[imaz]

Well people tend to be more depressed as the amount of daylight dwindles in the later months of the year.  Depression tends to provoke more GID symptoms so... I guess that theory works.

True, but I was referring to Spring as well!

[Nero]

i get more depressed as the amount of daylight increases.

[Annwyn]

It's easier for a smoker to quit if that person isn't around tobacco or tobacco smoke.

I imagine it'd be easier to stop wanting to be a girl if you weren't around women.
Post Merge: May 05, 2009, 06:09:30 PM

i get more depressed as the amount of daylight increases.

Woah.

Now that is strong emo.

[Sephirah]

i get more depressed as the amount of daylight increases.

Same here.

....but why the hell do I not mind to much being male lately and then suddenly the desire to transition comes and bites me hard and fast, with pretty much little or no warning? I was in a room where girls outnumbered the guys, I saw them and such, and bam, there goes the whole ordeal all over again. I had thought for 3 weeks in a row I could live fine as a guy, and that perhaps I'm androgyne or someone with qualities of both genders and blur the line completely on gender altogether. But meh here comes this again.

I'm alright again with being male at this time, but I'm just, I don't know what to expect lol. I almost get the feeling that SHE is saying inside me "I'm not going to leave you alone and I will continue to show up when you least expect me, until you acknowledge me, accept me, AND do something about it."

Good news, I'm actually seeing a counselor/therapist this week, and while not a GID expert or anything, at least I can get a move on with getting my stuff together hopefully.

It strikes me that Gender Identity Disorder seems to impose on a person's life more strongly when the Identity part is focused on. And when it doesn't, that's not because it's not there, but because you're not thinking about it. There are many, many things in life that people do which don't involve any aspect of introvertive reflection at all. And when your view is shifted outside yourself, when your attention is focused on something outside a pursuit that leads to any questioning of your sense of self... I suppose the feelings of dysphoria are likely to be lessened.

Sometimes we just stop thinking about ourselves and think about what it is we're doing. Then... you're distracted.

Just a thought.

[Just Kate]

It strikes me that Gender Identity Disorder seems to impose on a person's life more strongly when the Identity part is focused on. And when it doesn't, that's not because it's not there, but because you're not thinking about it. There are many, many things in life that people do which don't involve any aspect of introvertive reflection at all. And when your view is shifted outside yourself, when your attention is focused on something outside a pursuit that leads to any questioning of your sense of self... I suppose the feelings of dysphoria are likely to be lessened.

Sometimes we just stop thinking about ourselves and think about what it is we're doing. Then... you're distracted.

Just a thought.

Truer words...

[MasterAsh]

Indeed.

I've wondered if maybe in keeping my mind constantly occupied outside of myself I could find some peace. But every night before I sleep, there's nothing but introspection to occupy me. . .

[lisagurl]

i get more depressed as the amount of daylight increases.

The world takes all kinds of people. The dark puts me to sleep and I wake up with light. I rarely am depressed perhaps once every 5 years or so and it would only last a few hours. I enjoy breathing and walking it clears the head.

[PolarBear]

Hey findingreason,

I experience those "waves" you speak of as well. At times I feel that I can live just fine in my female body, and then a couple of weeks (or days) later, the need to be male hits me like a ton of bricks.

It's frustrating. It's confusing me, because after all, if I truly am transsexual, wouldn't I feel the need to be male all the time? Why are there times that being perceived as female isn't too bad?

It would be so much more clearer and, well, relaxing almost, to feel either okay in my body, or bad about my body. One or the other, you know? This is just plain frustrating and tiring.

So yeah, anyway, I understand how you feel. Just wanted to let you know that.


PolarBear

[Shana A]

And when it doesn't, that's not because it's not there, but because you're not thinking about it.

Yes, in my experience, it's always there, under the surface. It doesn't always have a position of prominence though, for example when i am playing music, I'm not any gender at all.

Z

[FallenLeaves]

It's frustrating. It's confusing me, because after all, if I truly am transsexual, wouldn't I feel the need to be male all the time? Why are there times that being perceived as female isn't too bad?

I don't think anyone feels the urge to be the other gender constantly. It seems like it is an especially tough thing for people to accept when they blur the gender lines a little more. I have very masculine traits and usually enjoy the "male" activities more which made me sometimes question my transsexuality and it made it a lot easier to repress. I mean, if you are a guy that absolutely loves everything that is female, I'm sure it is considerably more obvious that you are transsexual. I think the more resistance people are faced with the more difficult it is to accept as well, and I know you are getting a lot from your mom and others. My male qualities still don't make me identify with females any less in the end. It just took awhile to realize that. I honestly may have never come out if it wasn't for me getting a serious girlfriend. Being around an attractive girl constantly...ugh. The jealousy sucked. Sex made it oh so much more severe too.

You'll figure it out FR.

[K8]

I think a lot of the time we are just living our lives.  The GID is there, just as other parts of our makeup are there, but it isn't always in the forefront.

There could be a seasonal component, but I found it would push itself forward more when I was vulnerable for some reason - kind of kicking me when I was already down.

GID will always be there until we deal with it, but we aren't always ready to deal with it when it rears its ugly head.  Don't be hard on yourself.  Do what you can when you can.  Take care of business and deal with the GID when the time seems right for you.

Take control of your life!  (I have to keep telling myself that because I've never been any good at it. )

- Kate

[Genevieve Swann]

If you're like many of us the feeling never goes away. Maybe we must accept that it is part of us, or go insane, which ever comes first.