Hi Lauren
I have sort of had the experience your'e describing. I went through most of my life up until now feeling like a fraud, like nobody knew me or could know me, and that I would never be anything more than a angry depressed little sub-human.
Every once in a while I look at myself and think "what the hell are you doing", usually after having something cut or shocked or burned out of me. Lets face it, most of the things we do to transition hurt, a lot. I'll look at myself and say things to myself like your'e describing. My big fear was that I was a closet homosexual, and was identifying as transexual out of some deep seated shame in an effort to reconcile with myself and make myself "normal". (I'm over that fear, now I'm just afraid of blood clots) A good therapist can help you sort through things like that, just be completely honest with them or you'll be right back in the doubt circle.
I think most of us probably have had doubts and fears, it's only natural after all, and to my mind a good way to help process is to try some reversible things. For me this was painting my nails. Painting my nails always makes me feel better. Maybe get some hair removed, electrolysis separates the girls from the boys like nothing else. Hormone therapy, for me, was the bellringer. When I started supressing my testosterone production, and replacing it with Estrogen and
liked it, the doubts vanished.
Any way I hope for the best for you sweety, your'e not alone.
