I was wondering if anyone ever felt as if they were a GID or transsexual fraud before finally accepting that their feelings were real?  When you first were finding information on what transgender was and never came across a story similar to your own.  Did you ever feel like maybe the feelings were not real, but you couldn't get rid of them and felt like a fraud? 

Well, I never came across any stories very similar to mine. Seemed like most guys did things differently to me. I suppose if there's a such thing as a typical ftm story, I'm not it. Never seemed to matter. We're as diverse as cisfolk. Maybe we can help if you explain more.

Hi Lauren 

I have sort of had the experience your'e describing. I went through most of my life up until now feeling like a fraud, like nobody knew me or could know me, and that I would never be anything more than a angry depressed little sub-human.

Every once in a while I look at myself and think "what the hell are you doing", usually after having something cut or shocked or burned out of me. Lets face it, most of the things we do to transition hurt, a lot. I'll look at myself and say things to myself like your'e describing. My big fear was that I was a closet homosexual, and was identifying as transexual out of some deep seated shame in an effort to reconcile with myself and make myself "normal". (I'm over that fear, now I'm just afraid of blood clots) A good therapist can help you sort through things like that, just be completely honest with them or you'll be right back in the doubt circle.

I think most of us probably have had doubts and fears, it's only natural after all, and to my mind a good way to help process is to try some reversible things. For me this was painting my nails. Painting my nails always makes me feel better. Maybe get some hair removed, electrolysis separates the girls from the boys like nothing else. Hormone therapy, for me, was the bellringer. When I started supressing my testosterone production, and replacing it with Estrogen and liked it, the doubts vanished.

Any way I hope for the best for you sweety, your'e not alone.

Lauren,

Yes. On some level I *think* I know what your talking about.

I was about a year into my transition (fulltime and hormones) when I started feeling "fake". It was one of the most scary feelings I'd ever felt. I was more uncomfortable than NOT transitioning. The fakeness that I was feeling wasn't because I'm not trans... it was because I was being overly femme. Which isn't me. I'm certianly not Rosie O'Donnell butch, but I'm ABSOLUTELY not Barbie. I was trying to be Barbie.

It took a while to figure out that, first off, I'm Kelli. It took a little longer to figure out just who "Kelli" was. I'm still learning, to be honest.

Does that answer your question?

Well not so much fraud, but definitely avoidance and denial.

It is a pastime of most of us that we look for validation of our own feelings in the stories and life history of others. Although we are all different, I know for one I did exactly that read, analyse, decide my feelings where similar and then deny that this could possibly be my fate.

I think a lot of the issues are that you stare in the mirror and cannot possibly see what the end propuct will be like or have a clue about where to start or how you will ever survive, so the best thing is to keep denying and try and cope with the pain.

I was never a fraud just a coward, taking that first step is the hardest.

Buffy

Yes I guess it does.  I guess I figured I tried to narrow myself down to a category in order for being a TS to make more sense to me and for when I explain things to others.  I felt bad because I want others to believe me when I tell them and I didn't think that would happen if I didn't fit into a category.  I felt that if I didn't match up anywhere close to the other stories, then that must mean I am fraud.  I also was afraid of the way I felt my dysphoria would make me seem fake since I only have strong desires to "be" a girl and I don't know if I really "identify" with other women.  I know that there is "something" in me that is real and that this isn't some kind of false perception of some sort since I don't believe I have "feelings" closer to women.  I look at people as people, sure some of my feelings could be shared with women, but that doesn't mean that I won't have the same feelings as men.  This is very awkward to explain. 

Lauren, there is no right or wrong awnser here, the gender whirll pool has a very large specturum and you can fit into it where ever you wish. What I am saying is be your self, try not to worry about being FAKE because there is no such thing. You are You.

lucy

and yes we all felt that way at some time, am I or not. but I am me..

Quote from: lauren3332 on May 27, 2009, 01:18:16 AM
since I only have strong desires to "be" a girl and I don't know if I really "identify" with other women

This is most likely a social construction that you can work through over time. Of course you don't identify with them, and they won't with you right away, they have had a completely different life experience than you have. I liked Lucy's comments, they came close to poetry. You are You 

Lauren, my experience was much different from yours. I did find stories of transsexuals very similar to my own, and I didn't want to be like them. So I was in denial for a long time.

Briefly.  At one point I thought I didn't need to transition, & looked at it is some sort of phase.  That wasn't even that long ago, but I think being in a relationship w/ a male who wouldn't be able to deal w/ it was the problem. 

That's who he was: a gay male.  Trying to be that myself was the only fraud.  I'm a bisexual female, not a bisexual male.  It didn't take me that long to realize it.  Being unsustainable, that relationship ended.

OMG


Yes I know exactly what you are talking about. Maybe I've had drugs too many times and have read and studied so much on this mess I know how to fake myself out

I sometimes think that, or at least in the early days.  Did I do to much research?  Did I talk myself into it?  Could it just be a phase?

After a year on HRT and 10 months full time, I can say that No to all of the above.  I am a Transsexual.  And I am looking forward to SRS.

Janet

I wondered that myself.  Do I want the reasearch that I have done to apply to me, or is it actuallity.  Then I wonder if it is actually fake why would it bother me for 6-7 years straight off and on.  It's funny sometimes I find reasons I am not a TS, but then other times I try to prove my TSism so hard.   

I think a lot of the issues are that you stare in the mirror and cannot possibly see what the end product will be like or have a clue about where to start or how you will ever survive, so the best thing is to keep denying and try and cope with the pain.

I was never a fraud just a coward, taking that first step is the hardest.

Buffy



OMG

That is totally me you just make me realise it. I never taught of it that way, i think dealing with my wife is one of my bigger fears. She knows about my situation but she thinks it can be fix with therapy

Quote from: Lori on May 27, 2009, 08:33:02 PM
Maybe I've had drugs too many times and have read and studied so much

yes probobly.... mmmm did I....

Quote from: Janet Lynn on May 27, 2009, 08:58:39 PM
Did I do to much research?  Did I talk myself into it?  Could it just be a phase?

arrr yes that must be it.....

Quote from: gata123pr on May 27, 2009, 10:28:46 PM
I think a lot of the issues are that you stare in the mirror and cannot possibly see what the end product will be like or have a clue about where to start or how you will ever survive

yes yes yes....


But I came here to find the awnsers becauce I knew there was something wrong so that thery doesnt work....

I used to think I was a transsexual before I fully understood what it meant and back then fraud was in the ballpark of what I was feeling. It just didn't fit. I had the same feelings to a far greater degree for ->-bleeped-<- (both fetishistic and non). But now I feel most comfortable using the term Transgender except that for many people unfamiliar with Trans stuff they think it is synonymous with Transsexual.

Quote from: Buffy on May 27, 2009, 12:22:26 AM
I think a lot of the issues are that you stare in the mirror and cannot possibly see what the end product will be like or have a clue about where to start or how you will ever survive. So the best thing is to keep denying and try and cope with the pain.

I was never a fraud, just a coward. Taking that first step is the hardest.

Buffy

That should seriously be in a book.

I'm with Janet on this, i literally spent maybe hundreds of hours online doing research, but finally after a few sessions with my therapist and reliving some of my past experiences i was finally able to accept that I'm transsexual, if this was a phase it lasted 56 years

Hormones for me was like putting high octane gasoline in a high performance  sports car, it makes me run so much better.

Paula

I think the term and true meaning of what a transsexual is has been exploted by ->-bleeped-<-s to a certain extent.

Do you care to specify. I think I know what you're talking about, but I'd rather be sure before I voice agreement.