Nine and counting - and this was a big one

[Tammy Hope]

Since I told my wife last Labor Day weekend, I have come out to eight other people. Since I wasn't on this site then, I will indulge in a brief review because it sets up the larger point:

1. My wife - not happy about it, wishes it were not so...but very giving and loving and trying to accept it and has been helpful in some points (and puts up with taking the pics)

2-3. My sons - nothing very big, in their opinion. I explained it to them and other than one question about "surgery soon" there were no negative concerns. They see me in a skirt every day now and it's cool.

4.  My hairdresser - told her because I'd been letting my hair grow and was going to be looking at more fem styles when it got long enough. She was perfectly cool with it and has been very friendly about it. Did my eyebrows a few weeks back and she did that great style you see in the ugly pic that serves as my av

5. My wife's favorite sister - She had the benifit of having already had a nephew who had to deal with similar issues as he reached adulthood. He had some struggles and he basically identified as gay but she spent a lot of time with him (being one of the very few family members who accepted him without a conflict) and she believe he was more trans than gay because he always was most interested in being "girly". In any case, she was very accepting and has been a great emotional support - I hope that she can be the rock my wife needs if I ever put her in a hard(er) spot emotionally over this. I know she is willing and wants to be.

6. My landlady - very nice and friendly. Said honestly she didn't believe in it but believed that Christian love trumped judging people and that we were her best tenants which was the only relationship that counted in the end. has not been cold or anything since.

7. Family Doctor - (one of them anyway but that's a long digression I won't go into) The most interesting case in that she "read" me I think while I accompanied my wife to her office. She asked me "What's up with the makeover?" (in a friendly way) and then, while I stumbled and hesitated over whether to tell the truth, she just....looked at me...without comment. Finally I said "What the hell? Why am I trying so hard to hide what I already decided I'm not ashamed of?"
Again - no condemnation, no judgment. Thoughtful questions and an inclination that further advice was potentially available.

8. My best male friend - (possibly my only one really, if you mean "friend" as opposed to "acquaintance"). No anger, no judgment, no trying to talk me out of it. He did at one point question the wisdom of any eventual surgery but during a pleasant discussion he allowed as how he could see my point.

9. My Mom - This one was TODAY! and it takes a bit more background explanation. The pastor who married my wife and I is a Fundamentalist Baptist preacher who finds shorts to be very improper. He's a very rigid man in his views. his wife is a very friendly chatty sort, has always been nice (the preacher hasn't been rude up until lately but I think he can pick up that things are going in directions he disapproves of) but she is a gossip queen. She and my wife speak on the phone regularly and over the weekend she asked my wife what was up with my new look "What did he do to his hair?" "Someone said he is shaving his legs...?"

My wife just kind of blew her off (she has no interest in discussing my issues with other people) but...I know that this lady speaks regularly with my ex-SiL...who in turn is reasonably close still with my mom. i didn't want my mother to find out anything from the grapevine she hadn't heard from me.

So i stopped by this afternoon, screwed up my courage (For some reason I was really scared it would end badly) and told her. And I might as well have told her I'd changed the oil in my car. it was SUCH a non-event. We had a long conversation (mostly not about me as it turns out) and touched on a lot of the things you would expect ("What does[your wife] think?' and such) and before I left she gave me some articles of clothing that had been given to her that she couldn't or didn't wear. And we talked about getting together in the future and going through some other things she has (her best friend is an impulse buyer and is always giving her stuff she doesn't use)

So, I kind of considered telling your mom kind of like a major milestone and I wanted to give you girls a chance to rejoice with me that there was no drama.

And I also wanted to observe on the fact that so far I have not had to face the proverbial "be ready to lose everything when you come out" situation I had heard so many warnings about.

Am I just exceedingly lucky/blessed? or is that "be prepared" riff largely overstated?

[Miniar]

You're exceedingly lucky actually.
But then, there's a lot of people who have the luck of having good people around them.

[K8]

And I might as well have told her I'd changed the oil in my car.

Am I just exceedingly lucky/blessed? or is that "be prepared" riff largely overstated?

Yes, you are exceedingly lucky/blessed.  Be thankful and press on.

Each accepting person makes telling the next one easier.  I told each of my frineds, one-on-one, in about a week so that none of them would hear it indirectly.  That worked really well.  As you tell the people important to you, you can relax into being more open in general.  It's wonderful.

Good luck, Laura!

- Kate

[Jay]

wow! you are very lucky with your coming out congrats hun!

Hope any more people you inform take it just as well!

Jay

[Janet_Girl]

You are truly blessed in your journey so far.  Family can be the hardest to tell.  My ex and I are like sisters now.  Although she doesn't want to go out together just yet.  She seems to have this hang up about people thinking she is Lesbian.  WTF.

I would think that is would be a kick to go Honey Hunting together.  And may be that is what she does not want to see.

Janet

[Tammy Hope]

That actually sounds awfully familiar. As much as my wife has said "i didn't marry you to get a girlfriend or another sister' she and I do function more and more that way even now, though she's a long way from having finished grieving the "loss" of her husband (or potential loss as it were)

I too harbor the hope we will one day be able to go out as gal pals...but she, also, has this paranoia about the image of lesbianism. (she has told me bluntly I should assume there will never be any intimacy between us when I've transitioned - no interest in bisexuality or whatever - at least not now)

Beyond that, right now she says once I'm "gone" she doesn't want another man in any sense. Dunno how that will play out...and of course I don't know yet if I want a man either. But the more I think about it the more I think I hope that turns out to be true.

[Ms.Behavin]

A lovely story.  Congrats Hon.  Don't you just love hairdressers,  they do such wonders with the rats nest we call hair.

Take care

Beni

[Tammy Hope]

By the way, i stopped by the local Mental Health facility and begged an opportunity for an "informal" consult with a therapist just to find out if they were prepared for a transsexual or if I'd have to go further (when/if I have the money) and the lady I got to talk to was WONDERFUL. She's not a specialist or anything but it seems a good starting point.

[Kara]

I've had similar experiences to you. I'm pretty sure what we fear most is ostracism and when people don't do that, then it's not so bad after all. Even encouraging. I'm coming out quite a bit earlier though, as I want to start making changes after everyone knows about it.

[Lacey Lynne]

That actually sounds awfully familiar. As much as my wife has said "i didn't marry you to get a girlfriend or another sister' she and I do function more and more that way even now, though she's a long way from having finished grieving the "loss" of her husband (or potential loss as it were)

I too harbor the hope we will one day be able to go out as gal pals...but she, also, has this paranoia about the image of lesbianism. (she has told me bluntly I should assume there will never be any intimacy between us when I've transitioned - no interest in bisexuality or whatever - at least not now)

Beyond that, right now she says once I'm "gone" she doesn't want another man in any sense. Dunno how that will play out...and of course I don't know yet if I want a man either. But the more I think about it the more I think I hope that turns out to be true.

Laura Hope, for what it's worth, my wife said exactly the same things to me.  She and her daughter plan to move about 3,100 miles away next Spring.  I wish them Godspeed on their journey.  We're "in the same boat," Hon.  Feel for ya. 

Hugs!

[Tammy Hope]

Well, more news on this front. There is a LCS (I think I have the initials right) here in town that we had used before with one of our kids and he really impressed us then. So I decided that he'd be ok if I asked him if there was a therapist of some sort in our area that was comfortable working with gender issues or specialized or whatever.

Well, it turns out that he's had some experience in the matter and was completely open to working with me on the matter (when I can afford it).

That was a "best case" outcome for me because, while I'm not exactly shy, there is something to be said for already having a foundational relationship with your therapist.

The bonus here is that he's working on his PhD and when I mentioned the difficulty in paying and having no insurance, he asked about whether I was open to being, essentially, a research subject for his studies. in so doing, he would be able to justify charging a lot lower fee (or possibly to an extent none at all for sessions we spent in the name of his research instead of a formal "therapy session"

Now, I would have done that for him if there wasn't anything in it for me at all - just so he'd be better equipped for the next person like me who came along...but it's pure serendipity that he has a need and i have a need and we can help each other.

I also got the solid impression that when the time comes for HRT (or if, as it were) that he's going to be able to facilitate that.

It seems like - assuming things develop along the course they seem to be developing - this was a huge step forward today.

I'm pretty happy

[Lacey Lynne]

Laura Hope:

Excellent!

The Point:   Most of the time in life, any and every "deal" that anybody is looking for IS available IF:

1.  You know what you want,
2.   Look for it and persist until you find it, and (most importantly)
3.   ASK for the deal once you find it.

Essentially, you've done this if only indirectly.  At age 53.5, I've learned (THE HARD WAY!), that nearly everything in life is negotiable per the above.

Hope it works out well for you, Hon!  Hugs!   

[chrysalis]

You are truly blessed to have such a supportive network. Thanks for sharing!

[K8]

Wow, Laura.  You're on your way, girl!

Sometimes things just line up right.  I'm glad for you.

*hugs*
Kate

[Tammy Hope]

So, the wife and I (and the boys) went to the walking track at the park Friday night about dusk for a few laps.

just as we were getting started i heard my name called and looked over and it was my best friend from High School and his wife. He's the local Chief of Police now so I don't see that much of him even though we live in a small town. we haven't "Hung out" probably in 25 years.

Anyway, I match his pace and he's teasing me about my hair, asking me what's up with it and all and i play it off a bit and we continue talking about apperance and he says "honestly, when I was coming up behind you i thought it was a chick"

Well!! Yeah it was dusk and all but still, warm fuzzies!

So anyway, we do a couple more laps and talk about this and that and they decide they are done and i decided "what the hell" and toke a moment to tell him that, as a matter of fact, his impression was more accurate than he realized.

I told him I figured I owed it to him not to try to play it off now when he would learn in time that it was real.

he seemed cool with it but time will tell of course.

In any case, it was a big rush to be mistaken like that in any circumstance by someone who knows me.

[K8]

How wonderful for you.

Your friend may take a little time to digest what you told him.  It's a big adjustment for the people we tell, too.

And the more people you tell, the more you can relax into being Laura.  Aint honesty grand?

Keep on walkin', Laura.

- Kate

[GDTripp]

...And the more people you tell, the more you can relax into being Laura.  Aint honesty grand?

I'm experiencing this myself. This is my 3rd semester in college so far, my 1st in a dorm, and as I share a bedroom with 3 girls I decided that I'd avoid problems by coming out to my roomies the first week I knew them. And they're all cool with it. And since they make no big deal out of it, I've told a few of my friends as well and they also have been okay with it. At this rate, before the semester ends the whole campus will know I'm trans and I might be able to work up the courage to tell my parents.

Honesty IS grand.

[K8]

At this rate, before the semester ends the whole campus will know I'm trans and I might be able to work up the courage to tell my parents.

  Yep.  Nibble away at it. 

Great ventures happen a little at a time, and each step makes the next one easier.

Good luck, GDTripp.

- Kate

[Tammy Hope]

11. I ran into a friend of mine from the early 80's - a girl I see from time to time every few months around town - outside the Salvation Army store. She was a "girlfriend" (in the sense that two female non-lovers are girlfriends) back then although she didn't know i was trans.

She asked about the new look and i said "You probably don't want to ask that" and she said "no just tell me" so I did, and it was cool.

A few other incidents I won't number because they are not really "important" people to me - a girl i used to know in the party days, we had a nice talk and she wasn't apparently uncomfortable or judging; and on a seperate occasion, i did a ride along with a lady who has a paper route who hopefully is going to hire me to sub for her on Sundays, and she had another girl she knew rding and we ended up talking about it before the ride was over.

12. This was really the most intense discussion I've had except those with my wife. I have a friend hear in town - a woman who is a respected business woman who's the most amazing woman I know. in a lot of ways she's a role model for the sort of woman I'd like to be. And she has been an astoundingly good friend for 25 years, even though in almost ever "social" sense I'm not in her class.

I took to heart a recent conversation about the awkwardness of being "outed at Wal mart" and i just knew that she was one of the 3 or 4 people in this world I didn't want to do that to.

So I dropped in on her this evening and was a little more "over the top" in presentation than i should have been for that sort of visit. But we talked for almost two hours (along with her husband) and it was, as is worthy of the sort of person she is, an amazing mix of frank "straight talk" and tender compassion.

I should say that she's a believing Christian but she also was quick to say she was neither shocked nor willing to judge. She did offer a critique - she said i should be careful to not reduce myself to a "clown" in my presentation because that's not what I wanted, and it would unnecessarily alienate people. I kind of resisted that but over the course of the wide-ranging discussion, I/we came around to the conclusion that part of the reason I'm rushing my presentation a bit the last couple of months is that it's one of the very few ways I can see progress.

When the weight loss stalls, and when you hit a ceiling of what you can do with your look while maintaining a "non-offensive" kind of feminine but androgynous look, what can you do to see progress?

(reflecting since I got home, I've resolved to re-double the weight loss effort, but also, try to find a way to begin working on my voice - my friend pointed out the obvious that my voice is by far my biggest challenge)

They advised me, essentially, figure out what part of my current presentation I just CAN'T give up (hair, which they said not to worry about, earrings, etc) and what you can live without at least while you are in your hometown (eye makeup, for instance, overtly feminine clothes that have lace or whatever, headbands - which I've fallen in love with!) and to, as she put it, try to find a "middle road"

She made a ton of sense - and it forced me to really consider what am I doing because i HAVE to do it and what am I doing to see the girl that no one else can see yet?

I'm just SO impatient!!!

Anyway, we talked about everything - including scolding me for not working on my writing more - but at the end I asked her two things I wanted to know...the first was, given how we were both raised and what everyone around here is "supposed" to believe, how much of her advice was a matter of restraining herself from telling me "snap out of it!!" when she really wanted to?

Her husband looked at me and said "I believe God wants you to be happy, and he wants you to do what it takes to get there" and she gave me a hug and said he was exactly right.

That was such a huge blessed moment.

The other thing I wanted to know - I said I know that it's one thing to say "do what makes you happy" and another to be comfortable around someone like that...so I asked "If the day ever comes that all the surgery and so forth is done and I'm living my life as a woman, will that be a person you will want to know? 

I don't have to tell you she said of course and hugged me again.

I came away from that meeting though, more conflicted than I usually do because I'm elated to not have lost one of the very few important people in my life.

but at the same time, it's always a bit hard to swallow when you KNOW someone is giving you good advice but it's still not advice you really want to take for, really, kind of immature reasons.

In conclusion - I have to drive by my dad's house to get to her house...and he's home (he's a truck driver so he's only home one weekend a month or so) and I'm going back and forth on whether or not to screw up my courage and tell him or let it ride a while longer.

[K8]

Hooray for you, Laura!   That was a big step!  It is wonderful that your friend (#12) was so accepting and wonderful and wise.

I took to heart a recent conversation about the awkwardness of being "outed at Wal mart" and i just knew that she was one of the 3 or 4 people in this world I didn't want to do that to.

Yes.  We get impatient and get a kind of "screw it" attitude (not me, of course ), but there are people we want to bring along gently with us if we can.

as is worthy of the sort of person she is, an amazing mix of frank "straight talk" and tender compassion.

she said i should be careful to not reduce myself to a "clown" in my presentation because that's not what I wanted, and it would unnecessarily alienate people.

A wise woman, offering good advice that we don't want to hear.  I know you want to break with the past and to show visible progress (do I ever know it ), but you don't want to be a caricature of woman.  You just want to be seen as a woman.  It's hard to be patient and sometimes it is hard to find that middle ground.

I came away from that meeting though, more conflicted than I usually do because I'm elated to not have lost one of the very few important people in my life.

but at the same time, it's always a bit hard to swallow when you KNOW someone is giving you good advice but it's still not advice you really want to take for, really, kind of immature reasons.

Not immature reasons.  You want it now.  You've been waiting for this for a long time.  This is a lot of work.  Like any large undertaking (and this is HUGE), it takes time because there's so many different facets to it.

I am so happy for you, Laura.  This was a biggie.  You have a lot to think about as you move forward, and you are moving forward.

Go girl!

*hugs*
Kate