I have ftm medical history, and I identify now as gay.
Interestingly, before the T started ( Jan. 2007), I was finally clear that I was attracted to women, and okay with myself around that (had been with men some, as there was always a deeper spiritual connection with them).
As my body changed through the T, my brain honestly felt like it was changing. I saw lines and colors differently. My eyes seriously began to work differently with my brain. I had a really rough time, maybe 2.5 - 4 months into the T where my orientation was shifting. VERY DISORIENTING AND STRESSFUL. Then, once I had my chest surgery (18 mos ago), I ended up getting really clear. Without the extra tissue on my chest that was not wanted, I could land even more inside myself.
Four months ago, I had the pleasure of being out dancing in a group with some lovely gay men (3 of them I had never met before, but was eventually told they were gay), and perhaps 12 really lovely women. It was fascinating, as I watched my body's responses. NOTHING to the beautiful, free, kind, some of them mature in a great way, women. And the men kept practically sending me to my knees. I actually started kind of laughing, at the contrast, since a tiny bit of me had held onto the small shred of memory of loving women so SO intensely and completely for years.
That's gone.
Men are what affect me on a very primal level now. I am slowly adjusting, but I will still say I feel disoriented by that. Perhaps more than almost anything else in my transition. In the groups I was in (more than 18 mos ago now), there were other ftms who were attracted to ftms, and one was at least clearly attracted to men, but this was NOT the "cool" way to be. There was some process in the group about it. Seems many ftms assume we are all the same, but my inner experience is not what theirs was around the attraction piece.
My attraction to ftms held pretty strong for the first 15 months or so on T, but that has shifted, and I am not sure where it landed. I can't tell what is judging myself around that, what is grief about relationship with an ftm that I really loved, but it didn't work out, where there were several issues happening, etc. Don't really run into a lot of ftms where I moved to now, lol. Have seen one in the past five months. He was cute, but don't know that we will be dating, for a few other reasons.
This got long, I've been gone for awhile....
thanks for listening.
Joseph