You're an FTM and You're GAY?

[chance]

Interesting discussion.  As FTM I consider myself straight, attracted to only females.  I have lived most of my life as a lesbian.  Once I realized I am trans/ftm I've started considering being open to exploring with males, but exploring only.  No relationship.  And oddly for me as a top.  For me it most definitely is not easier to live female bodies and be gay.  My wife will not accept (at least at this time) any of my maleness and it's causing some problems.  I don't expect my wife to accept me as male because she is a lesbian.  By both ways not living as your true gender and sex is not easier imho. 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[kings joker]

This is something that I have really been at odds with lately. I have been a 150% lesbian all my life but the past few years been watching gay porn exclusively. I thought, this is kinda normal for a lesbian but now that I am ftm I find myself wanting to explore the peen. I have gone as far as putting out online anon requests.
I am still very attracted to woman in all manors but sexually crave penis. The thought of a male body sexually isn't really a turn on but the genitals are...

This kinda shakes my identity a bit but also have a few gay trans guy friends so I know I'm not "weird".

[Kylo]

I'm still trying to figure out where I fall on whatever the spectrum is in my head.

[lc100]

I never felt comfortable exploring my attraction to men as a female. I felt more jealous and uncomfortable whenever around them, though the latter isn't just because dysphoria/trans reasons. This was back when I didn't know trans people existed, though. Tbh, I just don't consider male = penis, and female = vagina. I know it's normal to, even for trans people, but my attraction doesn't lie on genitals. It may have when I didn't know trans people existed, because my jealousy got in the way of everything, but after that, I never focused on gender = genitals.

When I first realized I was trans, I was still uncomfortable, but I found myself feeling better about saying I liked men and imagining myself being with one.

At one point, I heavily repressed being trans and found myself dating a boy. It wasn't uncomfortable. I trusted him a lot. He's trans, though, so maybe that had something to do with it? I wasn't jealous of him for his body, obviously, and the discomfort wasn't as bad as it was with bio males.

When I started accepting that I'm trans again, I found it easier to explore my attraction to men. Still had (and have) the same boyfriend. I think being with a bio male would make me uncomfortable still because I cannot transition yet. Perhaps I'd feel better about it once I can.

In short, I just have really messy problems, but I definitely like guys (I consider myself bi), and I'm a guy.

[kylen kantari]

I'm a gay FTM. I've been attracted to men since kindergarten. I've never been attracted to women. As for the question of wouldn't it be easier to stay female and be straight? The answer is no, absolutely not. Many people have already brought up the fact that gender identity and sexuality are different things, and I agree completely. But for me, they have always been intricately linked.

As I've said, I've always been attracted to men. As I grew up, any thoughts I had of a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone have always been of a man with a man. I identified as gay (i.e. a man with a man) long before I identified as FTM, or even consistently as male. My being gay was the main reason I knew there was something wrong with my gender identity. It's also the reason I've been single my entire life. The thought of being with a man as a female, of being treated as a female by a partner, of being touched as a female in an intimate way, of being someone's girlfriend... cue complete dysphoric, panic attack, meltdown.

Living as a straight female not only means all the problems of living as the wrong gender, but it means I can never be with anyone in a romantic or intimate way. Not to mention the dynamics of heterosexual relationships and homosexual relationships are completely different. Even if I were to suddenly be attracted to women, the whole dynamic of heterosexual relationships is the complete opposite of what I want in a relationship.

So for me, transitioning to male means that not only am I now the correct gender, I can now be the correct sexual orientation too.

[arice]

I empathize entirely.  I feel the same way about my transition, which is still in waiting.  It is stories like yours that make me hopeful that the daily grind of pretending to be something I'm not will be alleviated with time.

This is me too.

Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk

[arice]

I am a guy who is attracted to masculinity. This usually translates to liking men but I have also been attracted to some very butch women as well.
Twenty years ago, in my teens, I knew I was a gay guy but had no idea that transition was possible... so I told myself that I just had to pretend to be a straight woman and take my knowledge otherwise to the grave... so I tried (and often failed) to live as a straight woman... until eventually I couldn't do it anymore.
Notably, most straight guys had no interest in me because (as another poster said) straight guys want women not guys with breasts... which is what I am. I am a butch, slob of a guy who does not in any way exhibit the fabulousness of some gay men.

Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk

[MeTony]

I am FTM and I am attracted to both femenine women and femenine men. I'm not at all attracted to masculine men, or women.

[Pogotractor]

Sorry, everyone. I suddenly felt the urge to open up. This got long an personal.

I am currenly having a hard time accepting that I like men. I am bisexual and when I was living as a woman I was "straight". I didn't know anyone who wasn't straight and nobody was trans. I felt like a weirdo. I knew I was bi but there was no opportunities. I had boyfriends but they felt weird because I was so masculine (a man in a pretty girls body. I tried to do my best with my looks. I wanted to be a woman that I wasn't. I could never walk on heels though. It's dangerous). Straight girls liked kissing me when they were drunk but that was it. I carried a lot of bags and bought them drinks. I acted as a body guard too (I often walked them home after parties because they were scared). Sometimes I really did some stupid and dangerous stuff for them just to see them smile.

I have never been with a girl and I feel inferior because of it. I feel bad if I am attracted to men. I am not used to actually being something else but "straight" for real. Even my mother who has seen several of my boyfriends and no girls assumes I am straight because I am so masculine. Not like the other queer men she knows. There is a lot of mildly sexual humour at work too. I am supposed to play a role of a straight guy. Nobody even suspects I am trans although all of them thought I was a girl when I started. And for years I thought I can't transition because I have never had a girlfriend. I thought I would be laughed out of the doctors office. Basically I waited almost 10 years because of that. There was less information and support available.

The gay scene seems frightening. I really don't want to like men. Queer women seem more accepting too. But more and more I think about it I jut get sadder an sadder. I don't want to exclude men. I like men. But it's hard to admit. I know that I wouldn't be "a woman " in the relationship. It didn't work when I actually tried. But this freaks me out. The best scenario with a man would be that I met another transguy who is in the same situation but this seems to be rare.

The whole "being queer" thing freaks me out. When I go in support groups I feel out of place. It's like I am too straight and too queer at the same time. I have lived an odd life. I just wanted to think I was lucky to be a guy in a girls body. All the dressing rooms, make up, attention and such. I had and have severe dysphoria so I have no idea how I happened. I have been like a spy who looks the part but can't act. I often thought that I must be the best drag queen in my town although now I know better. I was more like a baby princess. Can't even walk on high heels and the actual drag is not like that. My body was like a doll to me. I liked dressing it up and putting it to interact with people instead of revealing myself. It felt safe that way. I could trust that my cute face would get me everything and mostly it did. Life is different when you loose that adorable and fragile look.

Still it's frightening to be non-straight. I feel pressured to like every girl who likes me. I feel like I can't like boys and I can't have standards because I am trans (and balding and I still have the top fillings. I have lost all the beauty and good looks). I feel ridiculous. My past is ridiculous, I look just odd and my attitude with life is out of place. I don't fit in anywhere. And I still like men way too much. Finding love seems impossible but a the same time I want it. And I am still so scared that it might be with a man. I am happier than ever but finding love is tough. It's tough for everybody. But before it was impossible because I couldn't even be me.

Obviously being gay is ok. I just see a lot of transpeople talking about "loosing gay identity". Loosing straight identity is a thing too. It's confusing to start living that life as a queer man when you basically don't even know anyone who isn't straight and cis. I am stealth and in the closet. Nobody knows how pretty I used to be and how gay I am. There seems to be more open doors for people who aren't like me.

[Kylo]

The idea of being beholden to someone else's idea of MY sexuality is absurd to me.

The idea of being at the whim of biological urges also bothers me, which is why I've never been with anyone I didn't like as a person beforehand. The idea of sex on its own has all the appeal of other mundane body functions... it might be interesting for all of 5 minutes, like porn... but after I wonder why I bothered and what the hell I was turned on about in the first place. I would never put myself out for someone who wasn't interesting in themselves, or spend however long trying to endear myself to them just for that and I don't understand people who do.

That said if there is a person I like - a lot - those boundaries between friendship and more always seem to get blurred. Then I really want to get fully involved so to speak. That goes for both men and women. I'm not really sure why it happens but it usually does if I'm close with the person. So I guess I'm no better. I end up coming away from everything with odd dynamics and friends who are more than friends and usually all their baggage as well... and their current girlfriends or boyfriends are a little paranoid about me because they know I was "that friend" and assume I'll 'seduce' them again.

I thought about this recently and I still can't really say I'm gay because I've had as many "encounters" with women as men, I just chose to make the ones with the guys more serious. That's not to say I didn't take the others seriously. I always take them seriously, and maybe they were a bit too serious. Something about the dynamic between me and women though... I'm not sure if it's because of my mother or what, but I'm much more wary of them. Flattery from both sexes never works on me, shallow flirting never works on me, being too keen never works on me either, neither does the "you're a big strong man, do this for me, will you?" kind of buttering up. All that is transparent and offputting. It has to be some sort of proper connection between me and someone, some sort of mutual interest, fascination or respect. I suppose in that sense it doesn't matter the gender. It could be anyone.

It's more of a pain than just being straightforwardly interested in someone physically though. I'll get to see what's really under the surface quickly and then sometimes wish I hadn't looked. I have to find out if there's anyone like me in the world though, who sees it the way I do. I'm probably going to be repeating that process forever and paying for it with a piece of my soul every time, haha.

[MeTony]

Flattery and flirting don't work for me either. I am immune to that. Haha

[evadenzin]

Dude! Gender and sexuality are two different things. Who you are has nothing to do with who you fall in love with. Period.

[meatwagon]

i find that the more i accept myself as male, the less sexual interest i have in men and the more i have in women.  i've always been some kind of bi, but the preference levels are leaning in the opposite direction now.  as a girl, i was raised to believe that anything "gay" was wrong, so of course for a long time i was sure i was straight and i wrote off anything that seemed like attraction to females as something else.  but these days, i find i don't really "notice" men the same way i notice women.  i can see a man and find him really attractive, acknowledge that he has beautiful features, but it feels more like appreciation (like looking at a nice work of art) or outright jealousy most of the time. 
but this whole transgender mess has got my sexuality so screwed up, i don't really know for sure what i am any more.  at present, i just can't have any kind of sex life or relationships at all.  it doesn't mean i don't have interests, but the inability to insert myself into them makes it harder for me to draw the line between what i want and what i want to be.

[Pogotractor]

Dude! Gender and sexuality are two different things. Who you are has nothing to do with who you fall in love with. Period.

That is a spot on. It's hard to get over the insecurities though. I guess it is for cismen too. If I was cis I would still have difficulties. I knew I was a man/boy almost 16 years ago. I was a teenager and I basically didn't even know how to use a computer and had no access to internet or almost any information. I was the only one I knew who dared to be a little gender nonconforming. I didn't really know how internet even worked and what it was. I didn't watch tv (not that those 3 channels could offer much LGBT+ information). And nobody talked about these things. I learned most from reading John Irving. A library bus came over every week and I lived for that. God, I used a kicksled to get to the library bus at winters. (I often gave a kicksled ride to a neighbours girl since she was a reader too. I was among the greatest kickledders in our town. I got strong legs and I knew how to handle a kicksled. Girls screamed a lot but we always arrived safely in the destination. You can get wild with that thing). I learned everything from random books. Pieces of information were like diamonds to me and the world around me was not making sense. My youth was lonely. Even my sister who is straight and cis was affected. She really wanted to play ice hockey but couldn't since it's "not for girls". She would have been good at it.

I was always called a lesbian at school by bullies so I associate being gay with bad things. I try not to think that way because I know it's not true. But this sh*t leaves it's mark. I don't think much when others are what they are but I have impossible standards for myself. It's ridiculous since being straight is no better than being non-straight. I often still feel like that confused teenager in a town where a short haired "girl" (me) is a shocking sight and nobody else dares to defy the rules. Acceptance was a remote dream back then. In that world you could only be a one type of a guy or one type of a girl. I still can't fit in as a man and that feels bad sometimes although I know that it's not the way things are. People carry packages. I would like to drop mine but propably some of it will follow me until I die.

[Hughie]

I never felt comfortable exploring my attraction to men as a female.

This was my big wake up call last year, after finally realising why I was getting so angry when guys would show their interest in me in the last couple of years. And I'm not an angry person. But finally I put together a lifetime of clues with that realisation. I was never a lesbian, always attracted to men. But I didn't want men to see me as female. I always felt a fraud as a woman, like I was a playing a role of what was expected, but not who I was or what I wanted.

So the realisation came all at once that I am trans, and a gay man. I may have hyperventilated for a week.   I'm more used to the idea now, though, and looking forward to starting HRT this year to finally look as male as I am in my mind. I'm not all about the penis = male, or that T is a requirement to be male, but for me, I'd certainly like to start by looking more male. Right now I have no hope of passing... people think I'm a lesbian. It's false advertising.

But I really, really want to be with someone who can see me as male and not female.