Coming out

[Radar]

Hey guys. I came out to my husband earlier today. He's not taking it well... at all. He's very depressed. I feel really bad. What can I do to help him work through this?

[Nero]

He needs time to absorb it. Just talk to him. Explain you're the same person. Show him the literature so he knows you're not crazy.

[Radar]

I've been talking to him. He's too upset right now to read anything. Right now I'm really concerned about him. He keeps talking about wanting to die and killing himself. He's sad because he thinks everything was a lie. I do love him in a special way, but I'm not in love with him and just can't be with a man- any man- anymore. He thinks it's his fault and he did something wrong- but he didn't. He doesn't believe that he didn't do anything wrong, it's not his fault and he's not naive. I just feel so bad right now. I don't know what else to do. 

[myles]

Any chance he is willing to go to a therapist? That has helped my partner (female). I also had to remember she was going to go through a mourning period because she felt like she was losing me , and i guess she was in a way.
Myles

[Lachlann]

I've been talking to him. He's too upset right now to read anything. Right now I'm really concerned about him. He keeps talking about wanting to die and killing himself. He's sad because he thinks everything was a lie. I do love him in a special way, but I'm not in love with him and just can't be with a man- any man- anymore. He thinks it's his fault and he did something wrong- but he didn't. He doesn't believe that he didn't do anything wrong, it's not his fault and he's not naive. I just feel so bad right now. I don't know what else to do. 

Give him time. He needs time to calm down about it.

However, he does sound like the type with low self-esteem.

[Mister]

So, you're not only coming out to him, but you're breaking up with him?  And you want him to be instantly cool w/it all?  That doesn't happen, unless you've got no emotions whatsoever.

[Teknoir]

You're probably feeling like the bad guy right now, but it had to happen eventually. You can't control how people react to your information, but keeping him in the dark and dragging things on would have been the really horrible thing to do.

Just give him time to absorb the information. From what I remember in your previous threads, he sounds like he had no idea it was coming. Keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't self harm, but apart from that there's not much more you can do. You've already told him it's not his fault, and that your lives together up until this point weren't a lie - just keep reinterating this.

You've done one of the hardest tasks ahead of you. No matter how tempting it is, don't go back on your word - it won't help your situation.

[Nero]

So did you tell him you're leaving him at the same time? That maybe why he's so shook up.

[myles]

That would be a lot to take in all at once, I wold be suspicious if he wasn't upset. His world has just been turned upside down and he needs time to adjust, grieve try and figure it all out.
Cheers,
Myles

[Nicky]

I don't think there is much you can do. If you have broken up with him it is really up to him now to find the support he needs and you should leave him alone. Be open to talking if he wants to talk to you - but otherwise plan your departure. At the moment you really don't have much say in his wellbeing.

If you think he is in danger of hurting himself then I think you need to act. Maybe you could call his family or one of his mates to come round and support him.

[JonasCarminis]

I've been talking to him. He's too upset right now to read anything. Right now I'm really concerned about him. He keeps talking about wanting to die and killing himself. He's sad because he thinks everything was a lie. I do love him in a special way, but I'm not in love with him and just can't be with a man- any man- anymore. He thinks it's his fault and he did something wrong- but he didn't. He doesn't believe that he didn't do anything wrong, it's not his fault and he's not naive. I just feel so bad right now. I don't know what else to do. 

it sounds like hes saying things to get you to stay with him and not transition.

[Lachlann]

it sounds like hes saying things to get you to stay with him and not transition.

I think a lot of people would say things like that in these situations, to be honest.

[Radar]

So did you tell him you're leaving him at the same time? That maybe why he's so shook up.

I told him if he wanted me to stay I would. At this point he wants me home, later on who knows. The ball is in his court and I told him whatever he wants I'll do. I want him to have the house so that he'll have a place to live, room for his stuff (he has alot of things), a low monthly mortgage and better financial security for his future.

Even though this is a terrible thing to do to him I want to help him the best I can. I do care about him and love him in a special way. He deserves someone who can meet his needs and wants and is a better person for him.
Post Merge: July 06, 2009, 10:03:50 AM

I think a lot of people would say things like that in these situations, to be honest.

This is true- it's what he wants.

[Vancha]

Be considerate, but don't sacrifice yourself.  In the long run, it is for the best, and not only for you, but for him.  A relationship based on lies, codependency and pity is not strong, nor mutually beneficial.

Congratulations, however, on taking this difficult, yet necessary step.

[Radar]

Congratulations, however, on taking this difficult, yet necessary step.

Thanks. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. And it's not even close to over with him.