Really, really bad day

[Cindy]

Hi Becca

Sorry as everyone else to hear your ordeal.
As an academic in an Australian University, if the same scenerio occured and was reported, as it should be, at the least the offenders would be sent to counselling, if it was a repeat offense they would be sacked. No ifs, no whys. Straight sexual discrimination and against the law ( at least here).

I also agree with Tekla and Mister about getting the documents, but also what Heather said that they attacked you before documents could be presented. What you don't want to do is what you did. Submit. Hell Girl, I would have been a screaming fury. Do report it.

Heather and Virginia (in body armour): ten paces with a full set of china. One. two, three; THROW

Cindy

[heatherrose]

I don't think anyone is calling you "a cow in a china shop" I think you're the type of advocate I would bring with me.

Thank-you for saying so. I would be and have been there for my "siblings of
varied gender presentation". I just wanted to make that point clear.

It is part of growing. Will you or I always be there to help deal with everyones situation?

The only one, aside from my Mama, those here on Susan's and a few long distance
friends that could be numbered on one hand, that has supported me is ME. I have come
to terms with "all of this", learned and grown from my enrollment in "Hardknox University".
I hope that I might be able to pass along a little of the story of what I've learned.
Maybe it might provide some inspiration to some one paralyzed with fear
or at least save someone coming behind me some grief and tears.

[V M]

I thought I recognized you from the University of Hardnox alumni  I was there also

[Lori]

Wow that is horrible. I'm sorry you had such a bad day. Some people just have to slam and degrade others to feel better about themselves. I bet they did this in school growing up. They are bullies. I'd like to think they feel guilty and ashamed later but they probably don't, because they have empty spots in their hearts that can never be filled. They turn things outward and belittle whomever they can. I'm one of the weird ones that would invite them to lunch pay for it, and sit and talk with them. Of course they would never go, but it would prove my point to myself they are just mean people.

I do know this. What come around goes around and sooner or later it will come back on them. It sucks there has to be people like that in this world, but it sounds like it taught you something about yourself. Take that lesson and use it for next time this happens. 

[tekla]

Well for sure it sucks to work financial aid, after one semester of it when I was an undergrad I was ready to work washing dishes in the cafeteria.  Most students show up in financial aid with a unique mixture of neediness and entitlement, combined with a high rate of ignorance about what it is they are doing and how they are supposed to go about it.  I'm not saying that you were like that, but I'm sure everyone else that person had to deal with that day was.  I think back and I'm pretty sure that is because 99% of the people who do financial aid understand that its a government/banking deal, and like all g/b deals it has to be letter perfect, every 'i' dotted, every 't' crossed.  And they just fill in the forms correctly and you never have to deal with them.

Professors for the most part are easy, because they care a lot less, and often can't be bothered, all you are a lot of the time is the last 4 digits of your SSN# and a letter grade on a computer form.

One caution though, we did have a way to deal with people who upset us, in classic bureaucratic fashion, we just picked up the huge pile of stuff on our desk and put that person's forms on the bottom.  So perhaps don't go with someone designed to antagonize, but with someone who understands the process (and its one hell of a process).  And talk to the Dean, they get paid for having to care about that kind of stuff and might listen.

[K8]

1) Even after the fact, report the miscreants to their supervisor or the dean.  Their behavior was completely unacceptable, regardless of the fact that you are TG.

2) Yes, take an advocate with you next time if one is available.

3) As Heatherrose says, own the ground you stand on.  This means knowing where your boundaries are.  Correct people when they use the wrong pronoun or wrong name.  You can ignore the error if it is minor, be polite and patient with slips, but be more forceful with those who are trying to belittle you.

(One thing I really like about being Kate is that, unlike wishy-washy ol' what's-his-name, she doesn't take a lot of crap. )

Good luck, Becca.  I'm really sorry you suffered through this.  It will be hard, but stand up for yourself.  Each time you do it will toughen you and make you better able to do it the next time.

As Anne Brown, the original Bess in Gershin's Porgy and Bess, said: Us tough gals got to tough it out.  Be tough, Becca, and you go grrrl!

- Kate

[FairyGirl]

Thank you for being here everybody. 
Changing my name at this point isn't a possibility, I was planning to do it on my hrt anniversary and though it's tempting, really very tempting, I'm going to stick with that plan. It wouldn't have made a difference in this case anyway, they were doing it deliberately to hurt me and punish me for being a pest.

I'll take a friend with me tomorrow, that's a good idea. It just so happens I run with the biggest, meanest lesbian in town, and she is very much a bull in a china shop. Let's see these imtimidatingly pretty, petite little brats sir her.

good for you! I know how upset you must have been. They were rude and I doubt if their supervisor would have condoned it. Maybe you could ask to speak to the supervisor next time? Sorry I have no sage advice, I would have been crushed too. But hugs always helps 

[fae_reborn]

I just realized this and wanted to point it out, but when someone messes up with the pronouns or calls us by the wrong name, it will always hurt, even if you have been living FT for a long time and maybe run into someone who recognizes you.  The important thing is what you do from there: do you allow their deliberate or mistaken action to ruin your mood for the moment/day/week?  Or do you rise above that hurt and carry on, correct them, and be confident in knowing who you are and that you are doing nothing wrong by living as you feel you should?

[heatherrose]

...rise above that hurt and carry on, correct them, and be confident in knowing who
you are and that you are doing nothing wrong by living as you feel you should?

Ya, and that, too!

[K8]

I correct them gently if it was accidental.  I correct them politely but firmly if it was out of ignorance.  And I correct them with a let's-quit-screwing-around-here-you-jerk attitude if it was intentional. 

But then, I'm a pushy broad.

- Kate

[Kara]

What you describe sounds like an ethical issue. I would have gone to someone higher up and reported that you were being deliberately demeaned and embarrassed by an employee of the university. If someone tried to pull that with me, they'd probably be fired the next day.

[Ms Jessica]

I'm not against you Becca, but I have two points as devil's advocate, or at least, why bother making a scene about it now? 
First, your name and appearance don't match.  You might be able to lodge a complaint, but why, because you were called sir several times (maybe dozens) over the course of a conversation?  The ladies that helped you were following convention, you're registered as male, under a male name, they were calling you by your legal identity.  They were not doing anything illegal, even if it was wrong. 

Second, your perception of how things went makes it sounds like what they were doing was genuinely hurtful, which I am sure it was.  I've been there, done that, and I know what it's like to cry for hours afterward.  It sucks, and my heart breaks for you.  However, your perception alone isn't going to be enough to get any traction out of the dean's office.  You can't say that "they made you feel bad" if you try to complain.  I don't think I'd even bother.  You need to have said something, corrected them or whatever, and then you can say, "I asked nicely and they refused to treat me with respect." 

Best advice I can think of: go back and get your business taken care of.  If you get hassled like you did the first time, if they call you sir, then out yourself to them.  You're already outed anyway: you dress like a girl, but have a guy's name.  Tell them that you're trans, and you'd appreciate being addressed properly. 
If the person helping you refuses to address you as you've requested, you actually CAN go up the chain of command until you find someone who's not an a$$hat and will actually help you AND be nice to you.  You'll also have more standing to make a complaint-- you asked, corrected gently on what you prefer to be called, and legal status notwithstanding, if you're refused, well that's a problem you can take higher up. 

I'm so sorry this happened to you.  I hope it gets better, and my advice: be bold, and don't be ashamed about who you are.  Always be careful, but never be ashamed. 

[Hannah]

I'm not going to complain to anyone, it wouldn't make me feel any better, change anything or do any good at all in this little redneck mountain town school...and would just cause drama. They were probaly having a bad day already when I got there and I was just the last straw. I've forgiven those girls for hurting me. I don't think it was personal at all; my concern lies in my lack of an ability to react constructively, but I'll work on it. We went back the next day and dealt with someone different and everything is done now.

I suppose I could dial back my appearance, a bit, until mind and reality are more congruent. I'd rather not, but I need to be able to function in the world while these changes happen. People look at me and sense a girl, hear a boy and see something in between, and that confuses them and we all know what nasty creatures humans are in that condition.

[Lori]

I'm not going to complain to anyone, it wouldn't make me feel any better, change anything or do any good at all in this little redneck mountain town school...and would just cause drama. They were probaly having a bad day already when I got there and I was just the last straw. I've forgiven those girls for hurting me. I don't think it was personal at all; my concern lies in my lack of an ability to react constructively, but I'll work on it. We went back the next day and dealt with someone different and everything is done now.

I suppose I could dial back my appearance, a bit, until mind and reality are more congruent. I'd rather not, but I need to be able to function in the world while these changes happen. People look at me and sense a girl, hear a boy and see something in between, and that confuses them and we all know what nasty creatures humans are in that condition.

Sounds like you are in the awkward in between stage. I am dreading that.

[Ms Jessica]

I definitely agree that you need to work on constructive correction.  Being rude won't make people want to be nice or respectful, even if they were rude or mean first.  Practice if you need to, but make sure you have some kind "actually, I prefer to be called Miss if you don't mind" response.  Or tell people that [male name] is your legal name but you go by Becca.  I did that during a job interview.  It works and (some) people at least respect the honesty. 

It may or may not help for you if you're in a not-terribly-trans-friendly place, so just be careful. 

As for dialing back, that always felt like the opposite direction from where I wanted to go, and even though I looked pretty weird in my in between stage, I figured it would only get better and it has.  Do what you can to make that as mercifully short as possible, but know that it will exist for at least a while. 

Best of luck!

[Arch]

But then, I'm a pushy broad.

K8, I'm liking you more every minute.