Sometimes I feel like curling up and dying

[Melissa]

Sometimes I feel like I just can't do this.   As background, I keep finding out how extensive being female has been in my life and it goes way back to my teen years very strongly.  I had a flashback today and I remembered that I was dead certain I was female back then.  If I had known what a transsexual was, I would have instantly known I was one.  I suppressed it way down, but I have found out from talking to people that I did a much poorer job than I realized.  So the issue of whether I am a transsexual is not a point, because I am.

However, sometimes I feel like I really can't do transition.  I know to some people I look like a success story, but I don't think I am.  I see a future of bad health, financial disaster, and public scorn.  Why whould I continue?   For me, going back is not an option because I know it will lead to certain death.  Plus, there would be a few additional challenges (no gender marker change anymore without surgeon letter, my male voice is disappearing, booblet removal, abandonment of all friends), but that would be pointless.  Certain death.  I couldn't take going back.  So that leaves 2 choices--continuing forward as a female (albeit an ugly one compared to other women) or quitting and dying.  As I said, I see my future as a sad existence, so I see no point in continuing on.  I really wish I didn't feel like this.  I know I will probably have to spend thousands of dollars in surgeries before I will come to a point where I will truly feel comfortable with myself and my body and that will leave me swimming in debt for the rest of my life as I'm terrible with handling money.  I want to just curl up and die.  Now you know how I really feel about myself.   Sorry if I depressed anyone with this.



Melissa

[LynnER]

Awwwwww Melissa  *Hugs*   I end up feeling that way too ocasionaly... but I allways find a reason to keep moveing...  I really wish I knew what to say to maby help but....... 

Just remember, things are getting better for us, all be it slowly but surely....  Imagin trying to do this ten years ago?

[Melissa]

Thanks Lynn.  It's not transition itself that worries me, but my future really.  I don't feel like I have one.

Melissa

[Mario]

Melissa,
     Now look, many of us go through some kind of meltdown during transition. I will assume this is yours. As you have said there is no going back. How can there be? You have come this far, and you have to continue to move forward. We all wish it could be quicker, and that we would be as attractive as we would hope, and as successful as we would want. First of all always remember that beauty is in the eye cof the beholder. This is something I have to learn over and over again because I am so critical on that subject. But anyway, you can't change who you are, and I know you know that deep inside yourself you will do whatever it takes to get yourself yo where you want to be mentally, and physically. You knew it would be a long road, and if you are in the slow lane, move over, and move on. I know you can do it.

                                                Marco
Posted on: September 14, 2006, 02:18:41 AMAlso, your life, and your future is what you make it.

[Buffy]

Hi Melissa,

Yes ... I still feel the same way.

Despite happiness, success, I wonder where my life is going, because we cannot predict what will happen in the future. I do not at times feel complete and that worries me.

I still struggle daily, with my looks and that depresses me. Despite passing (well my friends say so), I still cannot face the mirror somedays... and that means changing it and yes more dollars.

BUT... I have tried curling up and dying and found that prospect actually more scary than living (a complete turn around from my pre-transition days when Suicide became a reality).

Why?

Because I still believe my future is going to be better than my past, that my life will be more fulfilling and that someone out there will fall in love, with a good hearted woman, intelligent, with a good sense of humour (even without the looks).

Besides like me, you have kids and I want one day to be a Grandmother and know my Children have had a better life than I have had.

Your perception of yourself, is not how other people percieve you... you are a great girl, who needs to fulfill her destinty as a woman. Riding the roller coaster of transition is part of that destiny.

Find those reasons to move forward and concentrate on them.

Becky

[tinkerbell]

Thanks Lynn.  It's not transition itself that worries me, but my future really.  I don't feel like I have one.

Melissa

I feel like that sometimes too, but I've always considered it a phase of the process.  Transition is not a walk on the park for anyone, and it is only human to feel depressed and unsure of what the future holds.   Better times are ahead my dear...everything will get better as time passes.

tinkerbell

[BrandiOK]

  I feel like that often Melissa......so far in my transition I have lost my family, my friends, my finances, my job, my vehicle and most days my confidence also.  I constantly worry about my appearance, my height and my weight.  I worried myself into the emergency room yesterday...

  Many transsexuals do end up losing much of thier pre-transition lives and that's a very scary thing.  I think the day I lost my truck to the repo people was even worse than losing my job not long after.  My truck symbolised my success in my former life and I pretty much lost it for awhile.  Fortunatelly I had a TS friend who had gone through the exact same thing and she told me "The reality is that you are going to lose more than you think you can handle...from cars to jobs to relationships.  But.....you can handle it and you will handle it because it's what we do.  We stand up and pick up the pieces.  Then we take those pieces and slowly rebuild what we lost.  The best part is we get to rebuild it for us...for us women."

   You will have a future Melissa....I believe that 100%.  You've always shown that "can do" spirit on here and I have no doubt that same spirit will move you along your transtition and into success.  You just gotta believe girl.....fight through the bad days and revel in the goods ones. 

   I wish I had something more inspiring to say.....I wish I could make you feel better somehow....
 

[grazia]

Hi Melissa,

However, sometimes I feel like I really can't do transition.  I know to some people I look like a success story, but I don't think I am.

Just the way I am

I see a future of bad health, financial disaster, and public scorn.  Why whould I continue?

Beacuse future is not always so dark as it could be forecasted in a bad day

For me, going back is not an option

I believe it the same for everyone

So that leaves 2 choices--continuing forward as a female (albeit an ugly one compared to other women) or quitting and dying.

I am a very shy person and it is not simple to me to talk about my thoughts even in my language.  I also had many years ago a moment I was thinking I had your same choices and I can say that the latter one was then the more appealing to me. But after a while I come to a third choice, that is the one the has signed my life till now. My simple philosophy is 'short step': I have transition as my final goal, but I have no agenda nor plans. My journey evolves depending on the pressure of my disphorya and what the environment let me do. Till now I have been more or less in balance. Sure has not been a wonderful life for me. But looking back the years (many years) I can say that it has worth the pain it has cost me.

As I said, I see my future as a sad existence, so I see no point in continuing on.

An italia proverb says (more or less) 'you can't place a mortgage on the future'. From my point of view the scary part of transition is the acceptance from the enviromnent. I know I could not able to live in a hostile environment.
But the world is changing: think to the public perception of TS people only a decade ago. I am confident that the acceptance of our condition is evolving quickly. Here in Italy SRS is now covered by the National Health Services (even if not the 'cosmetic' surgery). There is a TG person in our Parlament. Nothing of this were true when I have faced the 2 choices. Now I am sure that I will do transition sometime in the future, I am just waiting for the right moment to come.
I know, there are moments of deep blues, I am just coming out from one of these. But you have not to lose the hope and the will to work and fight for what you want.

Grazia.

[cindianna_jones]

Hmmm.  I've felt like that.  Most of us do.  I have down days.  I have days when I don't pass.  It doesn't get to me like it used to.  I just ignore it.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder how in the world I ever get by. I can be butt ugly!  I've been out of a job many times since my transition. Some of it was discrimination. Some of it was because I was bored.  I am not financially successful.  Every time the golden goose has set down on my lawn, someone has whipped away.  I was a millionaire once.  And nearly twice since.  In each case, all was lost.

Okay.  I'm fine with it now. It's only money.  Really.  If I wanted to, I could go out and work hard and do it again.  Instead, I have a comfortable life.  I have what I want.  It is a simple life living on the edge.  I don't spend money on much of anything.

But that was not my attitude during transition.  I worked very hard to make the money, to keep myself afloat.

So what's in the future for you?  I don't have a clue.  It's up to you.  The biggest source of problems for most of us in transition is lack of money.  It always has been and always will be.  I can only tell you Melissa, there've been times when I've had absolutely nothing.  I had no place to live.  I even lived out of my car while I was working a full time job once.  Those times were pretty rough.  But I persevered. 

Hopefully, your post helped ease your mind a bit. Cry on my shoulder if you like.  Take a nap.  Wake up and muster the courage to face a new day.  It is a new day.  It will be beautiful.

Cherish life.  It's all we've got. 

Chin up and all of that.

Cindi

[TheBattler]

Melissa,

As Cindi Says - Chin Up.

Ypu are a wonderfull person who is just starting to fid their real life. Think of the recent wonderfull experiences and adventures (being out at the fair, Camping etc)you have had. Life is a jurney and you have many wondered years ahead of you. Yes you have financial worries about the moment but you know you can pass and you are very much love by the people here and the people in your comunity. Do not look at the big picture look at the small fun events you have been to and plan the next one (like Susans Fest).

Alice

[Dennis]

/hugs Melissa.

Not much I can say that others haven't already said. And you are not ugly as a woman, btw. Everyone's future is uncertain, but if your past is any indication, your future is full of adventure. In addition to transition being stressful, you also have a divorce adding to it. You're under more stress than most people, so give yourself a break there hon.

Dennis

[Kate]

If nothing else, let me mention that from my readings, these feelings are apparently extremely common. There seems to be a "two steps forward, one step back" feeling to transitions. Like you have to put yourself out there a bit, into new territory... but then it sometimes takes awhile for the emotions to catch up and "own it" as my therapist loves to say. It's those periods of emotional catchup that are awful, filled with "what am I doing?" feelings and doubts.

The future will take care of itself. It has to. I'm nowhere near going full-time, and yet even I can't see beyond the next few months anymore. I just can't see it. I cannot imagine post-transition life whatsoever... and yet, like you, I can't imagine going back either.

So we're left with this insanely narrow sense of time now. Our past we've exposed as a lie... there's nothing there to go back to. And the future... geez... it once seemed so well-planned, so scripted out... but now it's a big unknown, huh?

So my thinking is this: I'm just accepting that this IS going to happen - and is happening - regardless of my doubts and fears and insecurities. So all I can really do is try to accept each step as it comes. Absorb it. Learn from it. And TRY to resist the temptation to project my fears into creating a frightening future for myself, because in truth, I really don't know what's coming next.

One hope you can hold on to is realize that YOU are unfolding into this future as well. The things which you fear now may not matter to you anymore once you get there. It's not always so much avoiding what we fear as changing how we feel about things. And that evolution seems to happen, all by itself, if we trust ourselves and keep going.

[Owen]

Hugs to you Melissa.  I too have had some thoughts about my future, transitioning and acceptance. I have had my black moods at times. I think of it as a step foward to a better healthful life. I had at an earlyer age since teens thought of myself as female but always had to keep it locked up all the time. I sometimes wonder if I am doing the right thing. I am fearful of lossing my friends family and my confidence. I feel like that often. I will take it slow and easy. I know it will be years before I can consider transition. By that time I hope to be out on my own in a good paying job. Better times are coming soo just take it nice and easy and think of the little things to improve yourself. Your a beutiful person Melissa. Try not to let things  get you down.

Super Hugs (((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))

owen

love being female

[gin]

Melissa,
Sorry to hear you feeling so down.  Just from knowing you here, you have a beautiful heart...and then seeing your picture, your outside matches that.  Love yourself and make your life all that you want it to be!
HUGS,
Gin

[Sarah Louise]

All I can say Melissa, is that those feelings are understandable.  It seems that life has many twists and turns and each carry emotional baggage.

Since going back is not possible for so many reasons, all you can do is continue to move forward.

So move forward you will with whatever life holds for you.  And hopefully it will be positive things, with many rewards.

Sarah L.

[Melissa]

Thank you everyone.  I'm feeling better this morning.  While I was getting ready, I heard God whisper to me (in my head) "I have bigger plans for you.  It is not your time to go.  I will provide for you."  That was a very uplifting thing to hear.  On my way into work, I actually had 4 strangers talk to me (I've never had that many talk to me on my 5-block walk).  2 just said good morning, one woman talked with me for 3 of those blocks and thanked me for talking to her and 1 guy in the elevator talked until his stop.  Apparently I passed with all of these people and that felt really good.  I think I've been taking a lot of flak from my parents and ex and I think it was just starting to get to me.

Marco, thank you for your words.  Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder (or is it beer holder ) and I supposed there are going to be people who find me attractive and others that won't.  I'm back in the slow lane of transition because of finances mostly.  Besides, I just need to live for now.  There isn't really much to rush at this point.

Becky, thank you.  In a way it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in my feelings with this.  I suppose because passing is largely determined by other people's perceptions, sometimes we just feel helpless.  The thing is, I've not had any surgerys and only been on hormones for 7 months.  If I pull my hair away and put on a hat, I look like a guy.  If I wear sunglasses, I look like a guy (I think my best feature is my eyes and that covers them).  Hormones really haven't done that much to my face and I guess I feel insecure knowing that it seems to look (without makeup) about just like it did before transition, where I passed well as a guy.  I know there's reasons to move forward, but sometimes it just seems like it will never happen.  Thanks for the flowers.

Tinkerbell, thanks for your words.  I hope you're right.  One of my main concerns was my health.  I keep reading about transsexuals (such as you and Cindi) that are experiencing health problems years after transition.  If I have health problems, then maybe I'll end up with a reduced life span from what it would have been otherwise.  This really worries me and makes me wonder if it's all worth continuing.

Brandi, thank you.  Your words were pretty inspiring and put a smile on my face this morning.  It is nice to have people cheer you on and believe in you.

Grazia, thank you for echoing the words of the others.  It helps to hear it more than once sometimes.  I hope your transition goes well for you.

Cindi, like I said to Becky, it's nice to know I'm not alone, but at the same time, it's a little disconcerting to hear post-ops still feel the same way.  Like you, I feel ugly sometimes and wonder how I ever manage to pass.  I know I don't a hundred percent of the time and I occasionally have people that appear to go out of their way to avoid me (which hurts), but there are also the people who know about my past and still treat me as a woman.  Your post did help ease my mind somewhat, and I'm not feeling like dying right now, but I'm sure the feeling will eventually come back.  Anyway, I'm back with a smile today.

Alice, thanks.  I think you're right about not looking too far ahead at life.  I was always raised to do that, but it makes everything seems so bleak and dismal.  I will look more closely at my little adventures.  I am looking forward to eventually moving out on my own.  I think that will make things much easier.

Dennis, thanks.  You're right.  I am under a lot of stress lately.  I think it will ease up soon enough.  Thanks for telling me I'm not ugly.  Hugs.

Kate, your words struck a chord with me (you seem to do that a lot).  That's about exactly how I feel.  I do feel like the future I had imagined has suddenly been shredded to little bits and I'm in completely uncharted territory.  It does make me feel a little lost.  I also have those "What am I doing?" thoughts and I just know I have to keep continuing on.  I'm now going where no "man" has gone before and it's really kind of scary sometimes.  So what I do is see my feeling, but I just don't act on them.  I just keep going along day by day and I look back and it does seem like I've accomplished a lot.  I have noticed more and more often that I forget I lived as male and when I think back, it doesn't seem like it really happened--that I have been a female all my life.  I'm wearing clothe sin public I would have only dreamed about wearing even 5 years ago and get no funny looks.  It's really quite amazing.

Owen, thank you.  I've seen you grow over the time I've been here from talking about how great it is to wear female clothes to being a loving and supportive person who shows that they care for others and it has been great seeing those changes.  Thank you for what you said. Hugs.

Gin, thank you very much.  That means a lot to me.  Hugs.

Sarah Louise, thank you for your words.

And lastly, I forgot to do this before Lynn.  Hugs.

Melissa

[nonie]

If I pull my hair away and put on a hat, I look like a guy.  If I wear sunglasses, I look like a guy (I think my best feature is my eyes and that covers them).  Hormones really haven't done that much to my face and I guess I feel insecure knowing that it seems to look (without makeup) about just like it did before transition, where I passed well as a guy.

EVERYONE looks like a guy when they do that.  I've seen pics of all kinds of beutiful movie stars wering hats and sunglesses to hide their idenities...  Even an actress renowned woldwide for her feminine beauty looks androgynously male in a baseball cap and dark glasses.  Get some rose-tinted sunglasses and I bet you won't look male at all

You've gotta keep your confidence up.  No matter what your gender is, carrying yourself with confidence is what will make you attractive - you could look like a warthog, but if you were a proud warthog who was open and friendly and centered, you'd still get dates.  Course, you might need a dress that would bring out your warthoggy eyes too, but still.  The most attractive quality is ALWAYS how comfortable you are with yourself!

And you are so one of my favorite posters because you HAVE that quality.  So quit bashing yourself, you are beautiful!

[Melissa]

EVERYONE looks like a guy when they do that.  I've seen pics of all kinds of beutiful movie stars wering hats and sunglesses to hide their idenities...  Even an actress renowned woldwide for her feminine beauty looks androgynously male in a baseball cap and dark glasses.  Get some rose-tinted sunglasses and I bet you won't look male at all

Thanks, Mikko, I suppose that's true.  I'd rather get glasses like yours though.

You've gotta keep your confidence up.  No matter what your gender is, carrying yourself with confidence is what will make you attractive - you could look like a warthog, but if you were a proud warthog who was open and friendly and centered, you'd still get dates.  Course, you might need a dress that would bring out your warthoggy eyes too, but still.

For the most part I do carry myself with confidence, but it seems that one needs to find a balance between self-criticism and ego-driven arrogance to achieve confidence.  You don't want to be at one extreme or the other.  Sometimes it's tough finding that area.  BTW. that's funny about the warthoggy eyes thing.

The most attractive quality is ALWAYS how comfortable you are with yourself!  And you are so one of my favorite posters because you HAVE that quality.  So quit bashing yourself, you are beautiful!

Thank you.  That means a lot.  I am comfortable with who I am and sometimes I even take pride in how different I am from other women.  Like I said, I think it was just things people were saying to me were getting to me.  I thought I would be able to shake them off, but then I found myself thinking about stuff, which actually rang true with some of my inner thoughts.

That makes me remember something.  I have these security levels with thoughts that I share.  When I was living as a guy, I used to have 5 levels.
1 - Superficial that the general public sees
2 - Thoughts I shared with aquaintenances/co-workers
3 - Thoughts I shared with close friends
4 - Thoughts I only shared with people I felt truly comfortable talking to intimately like my wife.
5 - Inner thoughts I don't share

Now I am down to 3 security levels
1 - Thoughts I share with everyone
2 - Thoughts I share with close friends
3 - Inner thoughts I don't share

I would constantly move thoughts in between security levels and people would have to work their way up in the ranks.  As part of becoming more real and shedding my masks, I had to get rid of some levels.  There aren't too many thoughts with security level 3 anymore, as I've shared just about everything to one person or another.  I think I come across as more real now because I am able to share just about everything.  Level 4 and the old Level 1 are now gone.  Level 1 was the mask and level 4 was what kept me from being able to truly express myself.  Doing this does make me more vulnerable, but it's also a heck of a lot easier to manage.  I think the less "levels" someone has, the more real they come across.

Melissa

[angelsgirl]

Hey, girl!

Glad you're feeling better.  I only just read this thread or I would've hollered at you earlier for calling yourself ugly. Puh-leeze!  Are comparing yourself with hollywood stars, because we all look ugly then!  Anyways, I work at the Mart of Wal and I see some fantastically ugly people on a regular basis. And every last one of them seems to have bred because they've got spouse and children en tow.  And I don't know how they managed it!  I know that sounds mean, but, by golly if could've seen them!   You're nowhere near looking like that! 

So, hey, why don't you try to improve your money management skills? That might make you feel better.  It would certainly give you more confidence, I would think.  Pick up a book like "Budgeting for Dummies" (I don't know if that's the real title but it's something like that)  I love those books.  I have "Dating for Dummies", did you know that?  Well, it apparently worked, right?  I've retired it and passed it on to my roommate...who promptly became insulted and threw back in my direction (His loss).  Then I gave it to my ex-boyfriend, who gave me a dirty look and walked away.  The point is that neither of them are dating anybody because they were too proud to pick up that book and learn.  So, maybe you should do that for yourself.  Don't be too proud to ask for help.  You'll thank yourself later.

[Melissa]

I only just read this thread or I would've hollered at you earlier for calling yourself ugly. Puh-leeze!  Are comparing yourself with hollywood stars, because we all look ugly then!  Anyways, I work at the Mart of Wal and I see some fantastically ugly people on a regular basis. And every last one of them seems to have bred because they've got spouse and children en tow.  And I don't know how they managed it!  I know that sounds mean, but, by golly if could've seen them!   You're nowhere near looking like that! 

Um no, I wasn't comparing myself to stars--just other women my age.  Heck, I'd love to look even close to as good as you do.

So, hey, why don't you try to improve your money management skills? That might make you feel better.  It would certainly give you more confidence, I would think.  Pick up a book like "Budgeting for Dummies" (I don't know if that's the real title but it's something like that)  I love those books.  I have "Dating for Dummies", did you know that?  Well, it apparently worked, right?  I've retired it and passed it on to my roommate...who promptly became insulted and threw back in my direction (His loss).  Then I gave it to my ex-boyfriend, who gave me a dirty look and walked away.  The point is that neither of them are dating anybody because they were too proud to pick up that book and learn.  So, maybe you should do that for yourself.  Don't be too proud to ask for help.  You'll thank yourself later.

Not too much pride to do that.  I freely admit that my money management skills suck.  I know they could use improvement.  I may do that.  I guess the problem is that I basically know how to do it in theory, but not in practice.    Oh well, maybe I will pick up one of those books.

Melissa