This is going to be one big ramble. I apologize in advance if I bore people with this post. It's basically useless... But maybe some of you feel the same.
Although I have not been clinically diagnosed with GID, I am with a psychologist who has seen many transgendered people but is not able to diagnose. I do fit the protocol, at least the great majority of it... I feel no doubt that I want to transition as soon as possible, and that I will have no regrets whether it goes the way I want it to or whether there are some less than desirable effects.
I feel no need to hesitate, but sometimes I worry whether my lack of hesitation, and my lack of indecision about moving forward (and my insistence on physical transition) is somehow... Making me less transgendered? Does that make sense? I am worried not about what will happen if I do act fast, but instead... What it infers. But that's a separate issue.
I hate every inch of femininity in me. I guess that is to be expected. I hate the breasts, the hips, the shape in general... The legs, arms... They seem wrong. Too round, too soft; all feminine, regardless of how strenuously I tried to lose weight or exercise. I dream endlessly about having or growing a penis. Usually every week. It is something I used to wish would happen, feebly when I was a child. I am disgusted when I have to wear bras, or female underwear. I just haven't gone and bought male things... I suppose because I feel uncomfortable about doing such a thing when my parents know of it. That will change, though.
What I am getting at is that although yes, I do fit the so-called "classic" transsexual in many ways, in other ways, I am terrified that I am not masculine enough... Just biologically. I was recently going through a test to determine the gender of your brain... Although I am in the male spectrum, on some subjects... I am not. I can apparently understand what emotion people are expressing, although I guessed throughout the whole thing. I apparently am not good at rotating shapes in my mind. I'm not an expert with a map, by any means. I'm great with words, although not with "emotion" words. I am a writer; can I help that? And my fingers... My ring finger is shorter than my index, which is typical of genetic, straight females who were not exposed to a lot of testosterone. Does that mean I wasn't exposed to much testosterone? Then why do I feel so undeniably male? Why is my identity male? Why is my being female so wrong, so stressful for me? If this is a biological thing, then why is it that my brain doesn't perform in a typically male way? Why is my index finger larger than my ring?
And my face... Is often annoyingly feminine...
It makes me doubt whether there is anything about me that should be male at all... Whether there is any basis for thinking that I am... I guess this is why many of us look to intersex conditions, hoping we can justify this... That we are meant to be our desired sex, for whatever reason. I know I have a male identity, and have known that for a long time. I don't wish to have a feminine male identity. Nor do I wish to be an extremely masculine man. But have I known this for as long as I have had an identity? Most certainly. I just can't stand looking myself in the mirror and thinking, "That is not a man. There is no way I can be meant to be one."
Rambling nonsense...
