"The doubt" (DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUNNNN!)

[Lutin]

Seriously, how do you cope? At this present instant, I am a man (let me repeat that - I am a man) lying on my bed at 1am doing what most guys do at this time of morning (*coughreadingBreakingDawncough*), and I feel like, within my own little world as I am now, I am comfortable with this, don't doubt it at all, and if some random person walked through my bedroom door right now offering me the chance to start transitioning immediately, I'd rugby tackle them in my excitement.

But when I think about my life up to this point, the little girl I was and the young woman I am to so many people (even "young woman I am" sounds like I'm talking about someone else, not me) - when I think about the world outside my own little this very instant universe, my certainty disappears and all I can wonder is Am I wrong?. IS this just some very delayed, protracted adolescent phase (I was never a typical "angsty" or "moody" teenager, I've always got on well with my parents, so is it just all that horribly stereotypical "adolescentness" coming through now?), am I really a cisgendered, bi/heterosexual woman? AM I really trans, or is it just all a big mistake?

But then I remember how inherently wrong all feminine pronouns/words feel for me, and have felt for me for years, and how exciting it is to be referred to using "he", "him" etc., and how much I hate being perceived as female, and how exciting it is, watching all you guys who are transitioning and imagining myself doing that in three, five, eight, ten, twenty, forty months' time (though hopefully not forty), imagining how wonderful the T injections would be (and I HATE injections!), imagining myself finally passing as a guy and living as such...

Despite remembering all this, though, I still have that doubt, Am I wrong?. And, because of that doubt, I can't move forward, but I can't move back, either. I know the way I feel, so there's no going back to being a happy (sort of) cisgendered woman, because, no matter how much I doubt how much of a man I am, I do know I'm not a woman (though I doubt that as a "phase" too). But in order to move forward, and not just remain depressingly stagnant, I can't doubt the man I am. Which I do, a lot. Within the context of solely me, yes, that's a certainty I can achieve. But in the context of me and the rest of the world, my family, friends, workmates, students...? All I can think of is how they will see me as a different person (I know I shouldn't think this, I know I'm the same person, but that doesn't help any), and thus how certain am I that I am this way and won't regret it...and I always get back to "I'm not certain".

Sorry, I know it's long and quite possibly nonsensical, but has anyone experienced/does anyone know what to do about this doubt of yourself? I *so* want to transition, but I'm scared that if I do, I'll be wrong about me and regret it, because the certainty of "I am a man" at the beginning of this thread is already gone, I'm rarely that certain. Even things like making doctor's appointments... I made an appointment with the head person for FtM transitioning here, and before I did I was terrified, but after even just that little act it was so exciting and such a relief, but there is always that fear beforehand of Am I wrong?. Just...yeah... How do you cope with doubting yourself all/most of the time when you can't afford to doubt yourself forever?

Thanks, guys.

xox Will

[Myself]

I know I am in the wrong category but.. here's how I feel.

For me, I'm a girl.

And then I hear a song and want to sing and can't.
I see myself in the mirror and start crying.

People see me and think I'm a guy and I want to become invisible or phase out of reality.

I want to be myself but people expect me to be something else.
Random people look at me weird.

I hate explaining my situation, I it that people "need" to "accept" me and can't just see me for who I am.
I hate not being able doing things I want to, like singing, enjoying looking in the mirror, doing girl stuff without every person outside or in the shop commenting.

I look to the future and feel that it's not going to chance, doubting there is a surgery available at this exact time as writing of this message that is able to fix me.

I makes me want to die.. but I can't give up, ever.

I feel that I can't be happy, I can't be satisfied by trying to be who I am while appearing completely different and being viewed differently like many others do, I feel it's some sort of self-illusion, a bubble.. I can't live a lie.
At the same time, being a boy would be a lie.
Everyone who seems to accept does not truly acknowledge within them who and what I am.

I hate chance and randomness, I hate the person who is going to say to just accept it and move on or whatever and will have a lot of pleasure torturing them to death.. then again, I am not capable of causing pain not to mention death to anyone and anything.

I am 20 years old and never lived, I am wondering if I ever will.

These are my feelings at this specific moment.

[Lutin]

Hey,

Sorry, that was really rude of me to forget to thank you girls and everyone non-binary as well, so thanks a lot, Myself.

I understand you with the mirror thing. I hate looking in the mirror and immediately, without thinking or intending to, trying to find any aspect of my appearance that could be considered 'male' amongst the rest of the (expletive) femaleness.

I find I can't cry about it, either, it's just too deep a pain, I suppose.

I am 20 years old and never lived, I am wondering if I ever will.

I'm 22, and feel the same way. The rest of the population may have thought 'The 40-Year-Old Virgin' film was funny, but it's all-too-possible that it could be a reality if nothing changes, but, as you said, change isn't easy, particularly of this sort.

*hugs*

[Radar]

I understand your anxiety. I know I'm a man and can no longer live as a woman. I'm enjoying transitioning- even the little things most guys take for granted. But, my biggest fear is telling other people. I've already leaped over one big family hurdle but there are many more to go.

Most of my family lives 1,000 miles away and I don't see them often. So, if they're not accepting I'll be sad but it won't impact me as much as closer family. Who I'm most concerned about is telling my father and step-mom. I'm very close to my father and his acceptance of me is very important. Me telling them just might make them shut me out of their life.

I'm concerned about coming out at work too for fear of being fired. Though I have to admit, surely they have to be noticing something. Then again... with this crowd...  . Since I'm now on T it won't be too long before I will have to start telling others.

So, I want to continue and will continue transitioning, but the thought of having no support and no family... it scares me.

[Vancha]

I am feeling "the doubt" as I type.  I think it is the most self-destructive thinking I've ever taken part in.

There is a part of me that simply won't accept that I am male.
When I don't think about it, and let my instinct take over - I act male, feel male, and always would feel this way.  It's the base of my identity.  But for some ridiculous reason, I don't feel I deserve it.

[CodyJess]

How do you cope with doubting yourself all/most of the time when you can't afford to doubt yourself forever?

With extreme delicacy. I am a male, but my body is that of a female. There are some things I worked my @$$ off to achieve (actually acting and feeling like a female sometimes) because of how my body was born, that I'm loathe in some ways to even consider destroying that. It feels like such a waste, after the heart-wrenching and (literal) mind-shattering effort I put into getting where I am.

AM I really trans, or is it just all a big mistake?

Not the answer you want to hear, but an answer nonetheless: Only you can decide that. Give yourself more time. When you make the decision to transition or not to transition, or on how far you want to go, make sure you're ready. Make sure you know. This is your life, and you need to live it the way you feel is right for yourself if you want to be happy.

[Teknoir]

But for some ridiculous reason, I don't feel I deserve it.

Sometimes I think we FTM's have a tendancy to hold men in an unnaturally high regard. I know I find myself doing it at times, as I have thought the same thing.

"Man" is just a catagory of human. It's a social construct. Sure, it's a construct I see myself as a part of, and I relate to, but that doesn't make it any less a construct.

When you break it down like that, it's easier to come to grips with the whole "deserving" aspect.

I know in my case, it's got to do with being made to feel like a failure my whole life. Society telling me my failure to "be female" or "be pretty" equates to "fails to be a worthwile human". After a while, you can't help but internalize that crap. And when you feel you are worthless, you start feeling as though you don't deserve the things you truly want, that will truly make you happy.


As for the OP - yeah, I've felt that.

I'm a little worried I'll regret everything in the future, but every fibre of my being pushes me forward, and every day just feels too "right" to ever consider going back (dispite the fact I'm still learning about a few things!  ).

I answer to my doubts by looking at the past, the present and the future. I reflect on how long I've felt this way, how much life is better and easier to deal with now, and what I look forward to being like in the future.

In the context of you and the world - you just have to go out there and live in it. Not in your female costume, just you. I found that removed my last doubts regarding "Will I cope with life as a man? How will I react to being seen by society as a man?".

[roo]

Yep, I've been getting that, the doubt, once in a while.  Like I used to get with most decisions in my life, yet with this one, all I have to do is look at some average guy on the streetcorner and realise I just want to be him.  This one is lasting, it's lasted all of 25 years.  But then one thing that was really difficult was constructing that female identity, and even finding a way to take some small enjoyments out of it, like flipping through home decorating magazines and laughing at women's magazine's with my mom.  I feel horrible for her now, now she thinks all that bonding was just "false".  But it was real... but it wasn't enough.