Is the presence of something more disturbing than the lack of something?

[LordKAT]

I used to wonder how an Amazon got rid of their breast for archery. If they could do it, I certainly could. Then the pain and other probs would start and I'd be curled in a ball and hoping to somehow get a doc to remove everything from waist to mid thigh. If my breasts started bothering me at the same time, ...well tryed that suicide bit, tried a drunken week, tried, ..... a few more stupid things. So what I deem to be worse can depend on what day it is or what is happening.

ps. I sleep with my packy friend. I didn't realize how much I feel more normal with it than without it until I got one.

[Alyssa M.]

Lack of, for me.

Lack of breasts, curves (in the face, chest, hips, etc.)

I don't have to see my penis all the time, and most people don't see it anyway. I can find some uses for it with the right people.

My lack of shapeliness is obvious to everyone at all times, and myself any time I pass a mirror.

I agree, but that's just most of the time. As much as I hate having the bits -- especially for those situations in which hiding isn't really practical or comfortable (bike shorts, swim suit, intimate moments, etc.) -- most of the time, it's a lot easier to deal with.

So the answer is, it depends on the situation. Sometimes it's the boobs, sometimes the bits, sometimes the voice, sometimes the face, sometimes everything else. Furthermore, I don't really see any of those as totally in the "presence of something" or "lasck of something" camps. For example, considering my chest -- it's not just the lack of breasts, but the presence of a broad ribcage, reasonably well-defined pectorals and (shudder) hair.

I would add that I have always been amazed at the raw functionality of the human body, in particular my own, even though it's function wasn't fitted to the purpose I had in mind. Becoming a man, physically, imbued in me a sense of awe and wonder as well as dread and sorrow.

[Autumn]

I figured I should have put a stipulation in on mine, but I was lazy.

From where I'm at in life, it's the lack. But I know that if I actually went swimming, or tried to wear more feminine pants, or shorts, or certain skirts, it'd be more frustrating to me. I keep to pants and, so far, found a couple of skirt styles, that mean I don't really have to tuck as seriously.

I think as Virginia said, the more my body feminizes, the more I may be bothered by the presence of it for pure functionality sake.

To be completely honest, as my HRT has advanced, I feel more comfortable with it. I'm generally more at peace about everything, though. Everything is complex. I've noticed that erections are much different to obtain since starting E, and earlier this week thought for a little while that they were gone for good. I was fairly ambivalent about it. I'm happy they aren't, since I enjoy orgasms, but I could take it or leave it I think.

[Teknoir]

Interesting question.

In my case, it's a mix. It's really hard to seperate things out at the moment.

My most serious dysphoria is with my facial feaures (mainly the skin texture and lack of facial hair), the chest, and the overall body shape. They're the things I see most, so it's always being shoved in my face.

I expect the lack of lower horn will become a much bigger problem later on when some of my other issues are fixed.  It is a pretty big issue, but the above gets much higher priority on the "fix it now list".

It's odd... sometimes when I'm half asleep, I feel as though I am physically male. It's like my body map shifts in my sleep, and it's still in place for a minute or two after I wake up. It's been happening on and off since I was a kid, but it's getting really frequent now. Cool, but depressing.

I don't pack. I do want a packer (very much so, it'd help the lower dysphoria a lot), but every time I see them I start smirking and snickering. I don't know why, but I can't look at a packer of any sort and keep a straight face. I know FTM is serious business and smirking over a rubber penis probably makes me less of a man, but I can't help it!

[Shana]

I had a lot of problems dealing with the "lower horn" (Thank you for that Teknoir.. keeping it..  ) for the longest time, until I realized it was the stuff dreams are made of. Once I realized that they didn't just cut it off and throw it in the hazmat bag, but exactly how it was used for the holy grail of my life.. then I started treating it more like a nice goose getting fattened for a Christmas dinner.  I am so glad I did have the change of perspective because after surgery, I can't even tell what was originally where, and I love it.

I guess the closest I had to you guys and your packers..::giggles:: sorry but that's cute..  was my wearing a bra to sleep and when I could in daily life. I didn't need it, but I liked having what little breast I did have being prominent in my mind. It helped my presence of mind that I did have at least something.

[DawnL]

The terrible irony here of course is that we have men who pack to feel whole and women who go to any lengths to rid of that ugliness.  Beauty truly rests in the eye of the beholder.  If a straight swap were possible, so much pain could be avoided.  Perhaps 50 years from now...

[GamerJames]

this topic is posted on the transsexual board & as i understand it the question is aimed at transsexual people that identify as women or men.  this board isn't for people that identify as "other".  maybe try the transgender or androgyne boards for that.

Whether this is in Transsexual Talk or not, I think that ALL viewpoints are valid and ALL should be welcome. If someone is being disrespectful or making attacks, that's one thing, but contributing to a group discussion should be accessible to all.

fine then... skulking off now... enjoy your homogeny, and stop telling me how great surgery is for TSs in the questions i specifically ask about other solutions

Metal Angel, please don't skulk off, I've enjoyed your posts in many of the boards here, and I believe others have as well. I think it's important that we include the perspective of androgenes, SOs, non-ops, etc., in our boards so that we're not all just sitting around confirming each other's thoughts. It takes differences in opinion to challenge what we know, and it takes challenging what we know to grow as people. As I recall, your post was respectful and was simply providing your own viewpoint, not stating that we should all feel the same as you (someone can correct me if needed, but I believe that was the tone of Metal Angel's post).

We have "Just for Us" boards for when we want to talk to *only* people "like us", but this board is within "Community Conversation" and we are all a part of this greater community, let's all play nice.

[Alyssa M.]

If I recall correctly, there is an understanding that only SO's post on the SO board (it says so on a sticky topic on that board, I think), but that isn't the case elsewhere. Partly this different standard exists because there are comparatively few SO's posting here, and partly because many of the questions related to transsexual issues are also relevant generally as transgender issues. Certainly this topic is, unless you are prepared to declare that the word transsexual describes any person with any level of gender dysphoria.

[Shana]

I hadn't seen the post Metal Angel was replying too..

I fully agree NESj James. we do need all viewpoints. It would be a pretty boring place if we all sat around sipping tea and nodding while you boys are out on the lawn saying "yep"..

[Shana A]

For me, it's the lack of breasts and other secondary characteristics that bothers me. I'm not crazy about the boi bits but I can live w them...

Z

[metal angel]

i've forgotten what i said now, but thanks for the support

[GamerJames]

I guess I forgot to respond to the rest of the posts! Whoops, got distracted.

To those who responded about my packer dilemma... I know I shouldn't care so much about what other people think/do, but it was so relieving to hear that I'm not the only one who wears it to bed. Before I had my packer, I thought I was fine without it, and it'd just be a nice little addition so that instead of having a 1mm dick, I'd have a 3.5" one. But there's more to it than just that, so much more. I have to sit differently to accommodate its presence, I walk differently, I notice it there when I walk around the house in my boxers, all of those things confirm my identity and helps chase off that little demon that whispers "you've got tits and a vag, you *must* be a girl".

I don't pack. I do want a packer (very much so, it'd help the lower dysphoria a lot), but every time I see them I start smirking and snickering. I don't know why, but I can't look at a packer of any sort and keep a straight face. I know FTM is serious business and smirking over a rubber penis probably makes me less of a man, but I can't help it!

Teknoir, I know what you mean about snickering at the lil guys when you see them "detached" from their respective bodies, but it really is different once you put it where it's supposed to be. When I remove mine for cleaning or to switch to a different one (for "play"), it's no longer "my penis" once it's away from my body. It's just like an article of clothing or something (and yes, they are really funny looking when you view it that way). But once it's where it belongs, it isn't funny looking, it's just "there", it's just whole and natural and *right*. It's hard to explain, but that's my experience of it at least, ymmv.

It would be a pretty boring place if we all sat around sipping tea and nodding while you boys are out on the lawn saying "yep"..

Lol That gave me such a funny mental image. Something along the lines of Gone With the Wind social setting meets modern-day style/clothes/hair... 

[Shana]

I was thinking more King of the Hill, but I like yours better. 

[Chamillion]

Yeah, definitely for me.  Having breasts freaks me out and I would do anything to get rid of them, while my lack of a dick doesn't really bother me at all.  Interesting topic

[Nero]

Yeah, definitely for me.  Having breasts freaks me out and I would do anything to get rid of them, while my lack of a dick doesn't really bother me at all.  Interesting topic

ditto.

[Christo]

Yeah, definitely for me.  Having breasts freaks me out and I would do anything to get rid of them, while my lack of a dick doesn't really bother me at all.  Interesting topic

Same 4 me 2.  I was happy 2 see my breasts go. my junk doesnt bother me. I dont hate it. Its all I got & I'm cool w/it.

[K8]

Before I had my packer, I thought I was fine without it, and it'd just be a nice little addition so that instead of having a 1mm dick, I'd have a 3.5" one. But there's more to it than just that, so much more. I have to sit differently to accommodate its presence, I walk differently, I notice it there when I walk around the house in my boxers, all of those things confirm my identity and helps chase off that little demon that whispers "you've got tits and a vag, you *must* be a girl".

Teknoir, I know what you mean about snickering at the lil guys when you see them "detached" from their respective bodies, but it really is different once you put it where it's supposed to be. When I remove mine for cleaning or to switch to a different one (for "play"), it's no longer "my penis" once it's away from my body. It's just like an article of clothing or something (and yes, they are really funny looking when you view it that way). But once it's where it belongs, it isn't funny looking, it's just "there", it's just whole and natural and *right*. It's hard to explain, but that's my experience of it at least, ymmv.

I can identify with this.  After years of stuffing various things in a bra to create breasts, I could finally afford to buy actual (cheap) breastforms.  The first time I put them on a completely unexpected wave of feeling came over me.  I don't think I can describe it, but it just felt so absolutely right. 

I should have known then that I was really TS and not just a CD, but I'm a late bloomer.

- Kate

[Hazumu]

What did I lose?

Two atrophied testicles.  A hundred or so grams of corpus cavernosum.  Some fatty tissue.  About half the length of urethra my surgeon dissected and exposed.

All the rest was repositioned with a level of skill and artistry, attempting to preserve as much of the nerve connections as possible.  The tissues were repositioned to where they would have been if my body had not taken the male detour at 8 weeks gestation.

In it's new position, the tissue changed, and became mucosal (I've heard,  "You're so WET, Karen!", almost every time I've been intimate  )  I like to think they are remembering what they should have been, had it not been for that detour.

I'm satisfied with the way I am now.  I joke about leaving a couple of pieces of me in Bangkok (and smaller bits in Scottsdale  ), and picking up two pints of saline.

Going from almost-a-B to solid C-cup was surprisingly uneventful, because I feel right and proper with the modification.  Sometimes I marvel at how I DON'T think about it.

I don't marvel at all over the whole transition thing, now that gender transition is behind me and I'm back to the lifelong transition we call living.  Actually, like what I said above, I do marvel at how mundane it is now that it's over, and how I don't even give it a thought.

For me, it just is what it is.

Karen

[myles]

Yeah, definitely for me.  Having breasts freaks me out and I would do anything to get rid of them, while my lack of a dick doesn't really bother me at all.  Interesting topic

Feel pretty much the same. I have started packing and practicing with my STP again. The packing helps.
But glad the breasts are gone. For me seeing what I had (breasts) were a constant reminder that it wasn't right. Honestly part of it night be looking at myself in a mirror every morning I can (could) see me breasts weather I wanted to or not, as most bathroom mirrors cover from the waist up.
Myles

[Jeannette]

For myself it was the presence of a penis & the lack of female sexual characteristics.  I envied other girls when I was growing up, their hair, breasts.  They all looked so happy & I felt so stuck in my male body.  I despised what I had between my legs too.  I dunno how I lived so many years like that.  But anyway it's a thing of the past now.  I will never thank Marci & the staff at Mt. San Rafael Hospital enough for giving me my life back.