So I cried myself to sleep for the first time

[Kara]

Lately I've been feeling...I don't know, a bit more emotional than usual? I guess I'm having ups and downs. But I'm not any hormones or anything. I don't want to write this in blog because, quite frankly, I'd rather not remember it if I don't have to. But at the same time, I need to vent a little.

Monday, I came to school and asked if my financial aid refund had come in. I was told that it was going to be 2500 this month, which was supposed to have come today, and 1700 next month. So I went today only to find out that I'm getting 100 dollars. I had plans for that money- which included starting treatment to remove my yucky facial hair that I can't seem to get rid of. I'm going to have to cancel that, as it turns out.

So for the immediate present, it's a setback. I've known I'm trans since about April or May and I haven't done a single thing about it. I'm starting to wonder if I ever will. I hate being broke, but the college doesn't seem very inclined to give out employment...at least to me.

Today, I missed class because I came back to my room after all this had happened and cried myself to sleep. I woke up about 3 hours later and got some supper. Now I've got a headache and if I dwell on it too much, all those feelings start rushing in again.

I feel like a pane of glass and this is completely new for me. For once, I'd just like to have someone give me a simple straight answer and not have to find out later that what they told me was false.

To top everything off, I also lost the key to my bike lock (it's chained to a parking sign on campus atm) and some DVD's I had intended to watch over the weekend. I'm not driven to suicide just yet, but if I have another disastrous day like this one, I really wonder.

[LordKAT]

Kara,
You said you haven't even started. I think that is wrong. You started soon as you admitted it to yourself. The next step may vary and doesn't have to be laser although I can understand why you would want it to be. Perhaps you can cheer yourself up the same way other women do, go shopping. Do you have someone who would go with you and maybe help you get an outfit?

[Hannah]

Those look like student loan numbers, where the hell did your money go? If I remember right your first time getting them they divide the loan disbursments up for some reason. Did you do the mpn and all that stuff?

Don't take crap from the financial aid office. I'm not saying be rude by any means because they can really drag things out, but don't buy into their attitude that they are doing you a favor. By the time you are done with your first two years you'll have spent at least 20k, don't forget you are a customer. LordKat is paying taxes for our pell grants, and we have to pay those loans back; and the whole process has created jobs for nitwits that are probably half as educated as you are.

[Kara]

I think the important thing to understand here is that my facial hair grows so fast that I get a five o'clock shadow after two hours....and I want to become a woman.  Not a man dressed up like a woman. You know what I mean?

I'm feeling better today, but it's just very depressing when I constantly get set back because of this bureaucratic university.

[Hannah]

We know what you mean sweety, really we do  Hang in there, you'll get it.

I thought of something else last night, too. I'm assuming you are getting a combination of grant and loan aid, I'd guess in about equal proportions. I found that during terms I was going to need a little extra money (heavy electro times or needed to travel etc) that going 3/4 time actually ended up in more money coming home. Your grant aid goes down by a little for 3/4 time, but your loans and other stuff do not. In my case it works out to almost an extra $800 a term in tuition and books savings. Of course you'll take longer to graduate if you do it too much, but it's just something to keep in mind.

I'm glad your'e feeling better darling, you are sure having a rough go at getting started. Hang in there, I'm still rootin for ya   

[lauren3332]

That's the way colleges are.  At the end of the day, School is just a business like any other establishment.  You have to pay over 100,000 dollars plus just get a degree so you can earn 50,000.  College is almost not worth it.  If you have zero money, you can only try to get a scholarship and even those are hard to get.  You have to have more than just great grades.  Not everybody can be a part of every club. 

[jennifer jane]

I think the important thing to understand here is that my facial hair grows so fast that I get a five o'clock shadow after two hours....and I want to become a woman.  Not a man dressed up like a woman. You know what I mean?

I'm feeling better today, but it's just very depressing when I constantly get set back because of this bureaucratic university.

Oh dear Kara! I've had so many days like that and I'm a little old lady now. Things will work out, specially if you are determined and have a positive attitude (hard sometimes, but it works). Some kind of "financial security" is so useful; there are so many things in becoming a girl and nearly all of it costs money: the only thing that is free is our attitude. I like your blog too!

JJ

[Key]

I know how you feel, dear, sometimes at the end of the day, how it feels like all the world is against you.  Am I not far off on that?  I can tell you that the best thing is to look forward.  Things will always work out, look towards the positive future, and you can get through it all.

And yeah, school sucks on money issues, screw school, lol.

[Andreana Whiteway]

I'm one of those sufferers who has to wait for some (it's indefinite even) years to get rid of the really YUCKY (ditto to you) facial hair. I'm a college student,too and even though I decided that I had to have a change half and a year ago,I have not done any change,which is yucky,yucky,yucky as hell...

[Cindy]

Hang in there Kara & Andreana,

It is a long road and is very unfair. I know nothing about the American system, so cannot comment. But shake off those sucide feelings. Not a good place to go. Wont help you and certainly not us.

I think there is a very good concealer, I think it's called Dermabrand (?) Google it. It's a concealer used by people who have burns of facial scars or pigmentation they wish to hide. Not sure how expensive it is but may be a temporary relief for hiding facial hair.

Good luck and Hugs Girls

Cindy

[Kara]

I'm one of those sufferers who has to wait for some (it's indefinite even) years to get rid of the really YUCKY (ditto to you) facial hair. I'm a college student,too and even though I decided that I had to have a change half and a year ago,I have not done any change,which is yucky,yucky,yucky as hell...

How do you deal with it, I wonder?

[Andreana Whiteway]

How do you deal with it, I wonder?

I'm not able to do anything right now.So I'm just waiting for years to pass...

[Kara]

I'm not able to do anything right now.So I'm just waiting for years to pass...

If it helps, I try to take whatever step that is in my power to take. Like...having people refer to me as my chosen name. Or...growing my hair out. Or...shaving my body hair. Things like that. You might be surprised at how small incidents have a way of perking you up.

Although, I still feel frustrated when I try to do something and I can't do it because this college and this state act likes a gigantic, heartless corporation.

[Andreana Whiteway]

If it helps, I try to take whatever step that is in my power to take. Like...having people refer to me as my chosen name. Or...growing my hair out. Or...shaving my body hair. Things like that. You might be surprised at how small incidents have a way of perking you up.

Although, I still feel frustrated when I try to do something and I can't do it because this college and this state act likes a gigantic, heartless corporation.

I know honey,I think you're in the U.S. but I'm in Turkey,which is a drawback.It can make you feel a bit luckier.