Hi all! I'll have to make this kind of brief because my GF and I are heading to a matinee of The Time-Traveler's Wife, but I told myself I would post an intro on here today rather than continue to put it off. I've been using these forums and all of your wonderful posts(thank you for the info, BTW!) as sort of a research tool to understand myself better and attempt to define who I am. Ever since high school, it seems like my identity is just a figment of my imagination - like whatever I did, I was simply acting out a role. That was when my life derailed - I felt like a social failure because the girls wouldn't accept me as one of them, and the guy friends I had were fun to play video games or watch sci-fi with, but I never felt like I could be myself around them. Not like I could with the girls.
Fast forward fifteen years - years filled with on again/off again dressing, a constant attraction to "->-bleeped-<-" pornography, a worship of the feminine divine, and putting down advances from homosexuals/putting up with derisive comments from guys. I'm getting out of a seven year relationship(which ended in divorce) and the girl in me is back out of the closet. I came out to my new girlfriend, and, in doing so, came out to myself. Even though I thought I had suppressed that feminine aspect for good - that as long as I had a woman in my life, I wouldn't have to be one - she won't be put back in the closet! I realized that I needed to be fully realized in order to be a fully integrated, self-sufficient person. I shouldn't need to rely on having a girlfriend to live vicariously through in order to feel whole.
I started seeing one of the coolest therapists about a month ago. She is amazing. We went from introductions to talking about hormones in that time span. I don't know if the rules have laxed or if she's just really laid back about these things, but I was expecting a long, drawn out battle to prove my inner identity to her. Nope. I'm not comfortable moving ahead with anything that will permanently alter my body yet. I am trying laser hair removal on my neck to see if it takes - my skin is light, but my hair is light too.:T My hopes aren't too high, but the summer pricing they offered me was too good to pass up! My therapist hasn't came right out and said that she's diagnosed me already, but she was talking about me moving onto body changes whenever I felt ready. That seems like a positive indication to me that she'll provide whatever I need so that I can realize that woman I know I am and want to express to the world.
So, I just wanted to give a little background in this post so that when I start popping up in various places, you regulars out there aren't like, "Where'd this chick come from!" Oh, almost forgot - for clarification purposes, I'll summarize my identity as follows: M2F, if I had to quantify the feminine and masculine in my psyche(soul) - 70% feminine, 30% masculine - lesbian oriented, guess I'd be the dominant one, but really I prefer equality in all aspects of a relationship. That's one of the things that turns me off about men - dominance and competition, and also in my relationships, it seems like the women expect that from me, and I don't like myself when I act that role.
Anyway, that's me in a nutshell. I'm sure I'll have some questions to pose as I start this long, sure-to-be-strange-and-exciting journey that I find myself embarking on. I probably won't have too much to give back to the forums to start(unless anybody has some computer questions or wants to chat about parapsychological phenomena!), but I'll contribute as I gain experience to draw from. Thanks for reading! See you soon!
