I've got to thinkin'...Which you should know is a bad thing, 'cause sometimes I can really get deep into thought! Haha.
I'm still a teenager and in the last 2 to 3 years I have known that--I'm a MtF...It all started clickin' and right about when puberty started which I started at 14, THINGS JUST WEREN'T RIGHT! I was etch-a-sketching inside the mind and the charter of my life, my identity and who I was...
Things seemed like the Titanic, one moment the ship was floating adrift and then the next it's crossing the verge of sinking, then it finally did! My voice started to change which I didn't like--I started to get hair all over my body and began shaving everywhere (Which to a "normal person" would consider a "boy" either: A) Homo OR B) Metrosexual
--And I didn't see myself as either...I didn't picture or see myself as an "man" dating/having sex with another man (It just seemed like that was the wrong canvas.)
Before puberty though, I was a typically "boy", I did things that "males" usually did...Video-games, etc. etc.
Which leads my Mom today to believe that there is no way I can be trans because, "Trans people show signs in their youth that they are what they are! You were a complete boy back then!"
...Up until half-way of my Sophomore year, I hid myself from everyone and who I was. When weirdly one day, It was an late night and I was going to go to 7-11 and my Mom wasn't home yet, I was getting ready in the bathroom and I saw my Mom's make-up bag and I just started putting everything on...
Strangely and oddly enough, It didn't look weird or ugly (It was perfect), despite using it for the first time and I fixed up my hair, I only had "guyish" clothes at the time but still I looked the part and I walked to 7-11 and got some of the things I wanted and went to K-mart...
Everyone called me "Young lady", "Hun", etc. etc.
And despite puberty...I could always manipulate my voice to sound just like a natural born women gift of Earth, I passed...And it felt so good--
It was like hot, gooey caramel was dripped over my bitter, scared core heart and created a new angel...
Bad thing!!!
I walked home, was happy to be and I noticed my Mom was home; She was in the Bathroom, combing her hair...The front door was locked and I had to go into the Garage which leads into the only way into the house, which the Bathroom is directly in front of the Garage door--Thus the only way to get into the house would be to be in direct contact with the Bathroom and pass it up to get to my room.
My Mom stopped me and noticed the make-up, It was like it was the Panic Room, she was going crazy. She told me to take off the make-up and what the heck was wrong with me, I washed it off and went to bed.
She didn't question me the next day and she left it like that--Though it did distance us; Halfway through the year, I went into my Mom's room and she was about to go to sleep and I softly told her, "Mom...I have something to tell you...I'm trans."
She didn't yell or scream but basically did all she could to deny it and even referenced the many guy-ish things I did in my youth...
But I started wearing make-up and with already long hair, I was considered a girl despite male clothing, only the people that saw me Freshmen and half-way through Sophomore year knew me as an "guy".
Over the summer my FtM "Sister" Corie came out from Florida to California where we lived to stay for the summer, my Mom began dating her biker boyfriend Kevin (Whom I have talked about in my 1st post here) and she was gone weeks at an time and I didn't see her often anymore, she would take me to school Monday - Friday and pick me up to drop me home but everyday after she dropped me home, she always went off with Kevin and I never saw her on weekends.
With my Sister and I having a lot of time to experiment, my Sister brought her Mac with her that had an automatic web-cam and we would take my Mom's clothing and would take pictures and put them on MySpace and such...And even did live web shows on BlogTV where I dressed to the tee and dance with my "Sister" who would ask me to make-up "her" facial hair and "she" would be my boyfriend while we danced.
Everyone watching referred to me as an girl and even said I looked cute and sexy...But being respectful to my Mom's clothing, when we were done we always organized and neatly put back everything in it's right place but one day my Mom came in (I was asleep at the time) and caught Corie dressed up in my clothing as an guy with facial hair and questioned her...Then she woke me up and questioned me...Not wanting to lie to her (I've always been raised not to lie), I flat out told my Mom I experimented with her clothing.
She wasn't ticked off or blew up like a bomb in the movie because I used her clothes and went into her room, but the fact that I could pass as an girl when I was a "boy", she thought it was disgusting that a "man" could actually be identified as an women.
So since then and even today when she is away from home, her room is always locked and my "Sister" is already back in Florida...But as you know my Mom now openly lets me wear make-up, nail polish, have long hair, wear skinny jeans, girl boots...
And...
She says she accepts me, but she contradicts herself and says, she would never take me to school in a dress, high-heels, skirt or any really super feminine things.
AGAIN! As you guys know, a month ago I was going to go to school in a decent, non-sluty, long, green dress...And my Mom even said the day before that I could go in it; But when the morning came, my Mother went off, cursed, slammed doors, said that she didn't "->-bleeped-<-ing raise her 'boy' to be this way!" and that she "doesn't even know me anymore!"
I wasn't allowed to go to school that day. I was brave and persistent and tried going the next day in the dress but she wouldn't back down; She went off to work and left me home again but cried to her boyfriend Kevin and he came over and cursed at me, called me down-right names that would even make Chuck Norris blush and be taken back for a moment.
He even threatened to hit me and said, "You have no boobs! And you have a dick and balls! Use them. Your not a girl and you need to stop trying to be one -- You're pissing me off so much right now, I'm just about to hit you!"
And I said back, "Just because I don't have boobs the size of Texas wouldn't make me any else or more of an women!"
...He just yelled, slammed the door and walked out; Corie and me just cried and cried and cried...
Now I am at an turn-table with my Mom, some days we have good days and others we don't--I pass at school now; I am in my Junior year and everyone only knows me as an girl that has long hair and wears make-up and the few people from my Freshmen/Sophomore year that knew me before nutrient are my friends or people that accepted me for who I am.
I can wear skirts, etc. etc. but my Mom says if I am going to do things like that; I HAVE TO WALK MYSELF TO SCHOOL and WALK HOME! Which by the way it takes a hour by walk to walk to my school from my house and an fifteen minute car ride there--Big difference.
If my Mom would just accept me for me and know that being trans isn't a joke and that this is for real and that I need her emotional support right now and that I don't want her money for the support of transitioning and even allow me full time to wear all fem clothing and help me get started on E--Then I would be so much better.
But she won't and still I barely see her as she spends most of her time with her boyfriend Kevin...This Tuesday or Thursday; My Mom and I are going to a family counsel session by my School Counselor who she accepts me for me and wants my Mom to do the same...
So going back on my first concept of this post at the start; What happens when you actually reach your goal? It feels weird to me, still being so young; Hardly any money and trying to be the real me. It's a long road but once I get there--What happens? And how will the rest of my life Russian Roulette with fate after-wards?
Will I be accepted by everyone I know? Will I be a famous celeb? Will I ever marry a man? Have a boyfriend...?
Who knows, all I know is the life I have now will be a hard one and living life after love can be so painstakingly hard...
I know this post is so long!!!
But right now, in a funny fashion...It seems like I am going through a "mid-life crisis" with both sides of the tide, pushing and drifting me into two different directions and a once mirror that prospered only one reflection and one person; Now solidifies one reflection that seems split in half and seven different alter-egos...
