My belief is that this is our challenge, and if we escape it through whatever means it will just be waiting for us in the next life. I've often thought that I would just be born trans again, maybe even in a worse place and time than 21st century america...kind like your situation. Look at it this way though, you have come this far, endured this much, quitting right before it starts getting better doesn't make any sense.
Ok now the standard stuff is said. Lots of us can relate to your feelings, Shelina. I attempted it once, and technically for a few minutes I succeeded. I have learned what I did wrong, and won't make the same mistake again; however after much state-mandated therapy (apparently it's against the law to attempt suicide) I decided to give transition a chance. It's not off the table though, not by a longshot. I know it sounds morbid, but if you decide to do it make sure you do it right, because if you don't it HURTS, and you'll be forever changed.
Something to keep in mind is that you are probably not in your right mind these days. With a complete lack of therapy on top of self medicating, you are loading a lot on yourself and setting yourself up for failure. These are big things that are happening, major changes going on inside you and around you, and it looks from what you've shared with us like you are totally alone in it all. If there is anyone you can talk to about your feelings, why not do it? Suicide is a big decision and it's hard to do right, so why not get a second, objective opinion before going through with it?
