My story is almost the same with yours but not ending happily unfortunately. Let me mention from the beginning; do not waste your time reading this if you are viewing this page to get something instructive.. This in fact might let down some of us who are on this killing journey. I don't know how to start but I am gonna try to keep this short..
Like most of us did, I always felt like a female, since the very moment I gotta know myself god knows. My mother told me, one time I wore her make up when I was 3 or something.. Oh god I am so angry with them remembering this and such memories, 'cos it is not me who should have been subjected to this, it is just them if there is something problematic and who couldn't realize what I was about. I have numerous memories from my early childhood to teenage years, and It would take hours and hours for me to write them down here, because almost everyday was just like the other. I wanna ask them: I was looking exactly like a girl, people would think that I was a girl, I always felt wrong and answered them NO! when they joked, asked me if I had a girl friend like a boy-girl relationship.. 'cos it always felt disgusting and shameful like felling for the same sex (no offense please, I am not saying anything to gay people).. and it was always like this from my early childhood. How could you not see all these things! Now I am 23 years old. Pretty old to get the essential treatments as now I have slightly broad shoulders and it kills being unable to do anything with that though they are not that bad.. bring me the chainsaw please.. even other treatments can't do anything with that once they are shaped, right? Which man to me with this body can truly feel the same things that he does for a girl or woman?? I physically still have this baby girl face, hands, feet and hips but it is too late for me I believe.
I found this site last night while surfing in the internet, I have read some of the comments about the HRT thing, it was a let down for me, really, 'cos I didn't have a chance to go for it at the right time, I can't do it now either.. and oh those terminologies.. Like I am gonna be a doctor, damn! Reading what you have written and seeing myself helpless just makes my head swimming.
I graduated from the best private college in Turkey this summer (born here, live here.. citizen). I have a 4-year-diploma right now. But this is not what makes a family a family. From my point, I'd like to try to express it this way; from time to time, I dreamed and dream of a life in which I become a CEO of a great company, riding a brand-new Ferrari, have a great wife and kids, a mansion, a yacht, an island.. tell me and let me include whatever -so called appealing- else comes to your mind, but it is just not it you know. None of them makes any sense to me at all. Give me a billion dollar right now, God knows I wouldn't give a damn about it if it is still gonna be me like I am now. Last night, for the first time I thought of committing suicide, only god knows how it DOES hurt to be stuck in this body and how much I cried and begged till the morning. Let me say, it isn't my day or I should say it's not my year, or LIFE!...
I wasn't like this, I was like a girl.. but I have this very strict father and mother, and believe me it is waaay different here to go for such dreams.. environment, people... And at the time, I wasn't really informed about the all things we can reach now. If I knew, If I were smart enough to realize that that baby doll was gonna take a different shape in the future.. I don't know, I guess I would take smarter actions, but sure of one thing, I could definitely be happier than I am now.
I had only one hope, it was to move to the United States or Canada and it could work, I had plans.. Moving to somewhere else could be my only solution but with what excuse those countries would accept me? I searched for schools but it didn't work for several reasons either.. I keep it short not to bore more. I am not going to commit suicide just because I wouldn't want my parents to be through a traumatic experience though it can never be like the one I got, and though they unintentionally did the worst thing one can ever done to me.. steal from me, kill me, do whatever you want, but just don't take this right of me from me, especially while I was and am so innocent!
I am mentally dead. And I swear I have never felt this honest, this open ever in my life till the last night I was whining to the god and this moment I am writing this to my sisters and brothers. I have this strange feeling.. This is literally the first time I am coming out, and though it is not something like I reveal myself in person, it still makes me happy to know that there are people out there who can really understand me. I wish I could help others though I can't even help myself. Why would someone spend his (I am a he right???) writing these things down? You might ask.. because it is just you who can truly understand me and what I am through, and believe me the people here are much closer to me now than my parents, relatives and friends in a way - I feel.. Writing these things is all I can do. Other than that, I have this life living in my dreams, things are so pure there.. the world I am living in my mind. However, this also happens to me, I don't know if it happens to you, I see little girls and almost cry, I see teenager ones and oh, I envy them so much. They are beautiful and they just can enjoy that feeling so freely. Maybe I could never be really a female if were helped, but I could become a very very beautiful one, and who knows? Maybe I could find someone who can truly love me like I am a woman. Or don't mind the love, hugging my father as his daughter would still make me smile. Nobody can really know how much I suffer, and I doubt sometimes if god can.
I mentally killed myself, I am going to keep pleasing the others.. but I think I am never gonna marry a woman. She will only be my sister it is because. I just calculated, I am 23 years old, I will most probably live maximum till 60. 37 painful years to go I hope, I have already lost 23 precious years. Hopes for the afterlife!
B.Y.
