Relationships influencing your need to transition?

[Konnor]

I'm going to preface this topic by saying that I know no one can tell me for sure if this is right for me. I'm just looking for advice, insight, helpful stories, etc.

I have thought that I was FTM for about a year and a half now. I've even gone as far as come out to my parents/siblings and talk with them about how my future will play out if I choose to transition. Although they are not very accepting of it, that fact never shook my confidence that I was making the right choice. The thing that did is my ex boyfriend. While we were dating, I was able to just be me. Wherever we went, even around our families, I dressed/acted/talked how I wanted and how I was comfortable, and he was completely ok with it. He loved me and accepted me the same amount whether I was in a dress or a shirt and tie. Having someone else be comfortable with who I am made me soooo much more comfortable with myself. I was even ok with staying female, I wanted to have kids and marry him, as long as I didn't have to change how I dressed/acted/etc. And he never asked me to change anything. We were just going to be a guy and his really "butchy" wife. We were both okay with this.

So everything was great, we were incredibly happy. Until we broke up. To make a long story short, the strain of a long distance military relationship was too much for him to handle at the time. We've stayed in contact online since then (which was about 7 months ago). A few weeks ago though, he was drunk and said "I love you" back to me when I said it to him in a text. The next day he told me that he meant it and that he still loves me a lot. We've decided that as soon as he can get leave (within the next 2-3 weeks) he's going to come home, we're going to hang out and talk about "us". Get everything out on the table and be completely honest and realistic. Nothing is concrete, but I really get the feeling we're going to get back together. And now that he might be mine again, I feel like maybe I might not need to transition anymore. Because with him, I'm just me and we're us and everything is wonderful.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel. I feel like a fake for feeling this way, like if I was really FTM, nothing could change my feelings and my need to transition. I know I'm always going to feel very masculine, but with him I feel like maybe I'd be ok with being a masculine female. Am I crazy? How are you supposed to know if this is right for you? And if it isn't, how are you supposed to know which degree of femininity/masculinity in between is right for you? This is just really confusing and I would like to hear other's opinions on it. Thanks for reading all of my ramblings, I really appreciate it...

--Konnor

[Osiris]

Well all I gotta say is that while you might have a long lasting relationship with him, you are the one person you'll be spending the most time with. Take other people out of the picture. What do you want to see looking back in the mirror? You don't want to rely on someone else to be happy with who you are, that needs to come from within. Be happy with yourself first and fore most. Happiness with someone else will follow.

[Between Names]

Just last year a had a relationship that was kind of similar to yours in the sense that I was extremely happy with my boyfriend and felt like I could be myself around him.  In some ways, I felt very happy and the thought of transitioning was pushed far back into my mind; it almost didn't matter to me anymore...  My entire life revolved around this guy.  I became obsessed, and it wasn't healthy for me at all.

But eventually, I realized that I hated the way he treated me.  It's not that he was rude, disrespectful or abusive, but that he treated me like a girl.  I became afraid.  I didn't like being treated as a sweet, fragile, dependent little girl, but I felt that if I tried to be more masculine, it would be off-putting to him, and he would leave me.  Eventually the relationship ended for other reasons, but he was still constantly on my mind and still a part of my life.  It wasn't until months later that I was finally "over" him, and my actual problems came back to bite me in the ass.

After finally getting over this guy, my dysphoria became apparent to me.  Our relationship had lasted for over a year and a half, and during that time I was so desperate to please him that I was no longer cared about me.  I was uncomfortable in the feminine clothes I owned, but I had been wearing them in order to be a pretty girlfriend...  To please him.  I know that sounds sick, but like I said, I became obsessed with our relationship.  It was a welcome distraction from the depression I faced following my parents' divorce.

So I began exploring my own mind and my own needs, over the past several months I have come to discover some important things about myself...  Things that brought me here to this forum.  I suppose I don't really need to go into details, but I will share that I have a therapy session coming up very soon, and I am extremely happy about that...

Ultimately, the relationship I had with my ex affected my desire to transition because I couldn't think of anything but him.  I was in love, but it was a dangerous, obsessive type of love.

Like Osiris said, take other people out of the picture.  Focus on you.  Find a counselor.  Though your desire to transition may be affected by the people around you, in the end it is all about knowing who you are, and what you need to be happy with yourself.

[DamagedChris]

For the record...I started my first transition attempt when I was 16 (therapy and dressing, even lived almost completely fulltime when I switched schools my senior year) and actually detransitioned for a number of reasons...aside from a stressful homelife stemming from it and my own worries about being "alone", I also had a relationship with a guy during my fulltime life that was perfectly ok with me being FtM. We broke up, and the next guy I crushed on that I actually told liked me but said he didn't want to be seen as gay...that heartbreak of an emo teenager along with all the other drama it was causing made the dysphoria seem not so bad in comparison. So I detransitioned and got to be with the guy I liked, who was perfectly fine dating me still dressing male so long as he didn't look gay to the community.

Fast forward to now...I regret doing that detransition. Once I removed myself from my parent's home so my parents weren't freaking out so much a lot of the anxiety reasons were removed. And as are many a relationship at that age likely to do, the relationship ended, leaving me with nothing but the dysphoric feelings that caused me to start transition in the first place. I was moody and angry all the time and sabotaged many subsequent relationships because sometimes I would just feel frustrated for no outward reason, just that I was pissed off at being as I was when I wasn't. I didn't want to be the housewife...I wanted and still want to be part of that entire family picture, but not as that role, period. And now I feel like I've wasted 3 years of my life that I could have been happy being me because I was trying to mash myself into what my loved ones wanted of me...if I had continued out of high school I could have been well on my second year at least of T, top surgery done, saving up for bottom. All this stress, and nothing to show for it.

You are young...19 I think it was by your welcome post. Relationships can and probably will come and go. DO NOT let the swaying of a fluttering heart throw you one way or another, as you WILL regret it. You need to think what YOU want. Why did YOU feel you needed to come out to your family? Why did YOU start identifying as FtM? Why and how is this potential relationship affecting your decision? Are you just ok with being a female because he wouldn't accept you as male, or something else entirely?

I'm really hoping I make sense with this...it's the very tired ramblings of a sleep-deprived boy at 2AM.

[Konnor]

Why did YOU feel you needed to come out to your family? I found out what transgender is about 2 years ago, and it just seemed to fit me. I've never been comfortable as a girl, and I've never been girly, though I know the two are different. I've always felt like a gay man, plain and simple.

Why and how is this potential relationship affecting your decision? You'll probably think I'm being stupid or something by saying this, but I love him.

Are you just ok with being a female because he wouldn't accept you as male, or something else entirely? That's the problem. That's not it at all. He would totally accept me as male, or as female, or anything in between. The problem is I'm only confident being myself when I'm with him. Being myself= dressing male, binding/packing, using the mens room, passing 100%. I do this stuff the rest of the time, but I'm more comfortable with it with him, because I know he accepts it and is ok with me being whoever. I don't try to be girly with him, I'm just me and he loves me for that.

I know I shouldn't base my transition on anything other than my own feelings. It's like I'm completely male and feel the need to transition almost all the time, the exception being when I'm with him. When I'm with him, I feel like I might be okay with staying like I am, a masculine female, but not transitioning any further. But if I'm really transgender, shouldn't I feel the need to transition all the time, no matter who is in my life? It's just weird. Nothing is influencing these feelings...our relationship isn't going to change if I stay as I am or if I transition. I don't change who I am to make him happy or anything like that. I'm just...confused. I really don't think this made sense and I'm sorry for that. Thank you to everyone who replied thus far, it means a lot to know so many people care.

--Konnor

[Osiris]

Something that isn't really known is that the need to transition can come and go. Especially when you've found an outlet to be yourself. It can help ease the stress of dysphoria. But like I said you need to be yourself 24/7 and if you only have a few outlets to be yourself it's going to catch up with you.

[Teknoir]

Sounds like the ability to be yourself and being accepted by someone is providing enough relief for now that you don't feel under pressure to do anything more. That's perfectly fine - you shouldn't go forging ahead with transitional steps just because it's the "done thing".

People change over time. It's possible your GID may get worse, or it's possible you've found a happy medium. It's possible they might change over time too - they could become more or less tolerant, or their "taste" could change.

What I am saying, is keep an eye on your GID. Never let yourself become unhappy in your role or how other people see you. It'll hurt you more than they will appreciate it.

Always remain true to yourself in the relationship. If they start pushing you to be more female, or making you feel like crap because of who you are, then it's time to GTFO.

[Konnor]

Thanks Teknoir, I think that's what I needed to hear. Keeping an eye on how I feel seems like the best solution for now, other than just giving it time. Thank you all for the great replies and support, it really means a lot!

--Konnor

[Tay]

Hey Konnor,

From your posts, it seems to me that 'being you' is being a very butch, or masculine identified woman. I don't mean to offend you if that's not how you perceive yourself. It's almost like when you're in this relationship you have the confidence to be yourself because there's someone by your side who accepts you for that and supports you in your expression of gender.

There's a big difference between feeling masculine and feeling/being male.

It might just be that being a very masculine woman is a very difficult position in society because most people don't get it. Everything in our world is very gendered, and very binary. It's male OR female and nothing in between. Your relationship seems to give you the confidence to occupy that difficult space between the genders, which is ok. I think maybe you should try to find the confidence to just be you, whether you are in this relationship or not. Do stay aware of your dysphoria and definitely seek help if anything becomes worse. Keep reflecting on it and don't feel any pressure to be anyone other than you because that can only lead to unhappiness.

Maybe research genderqueer and bi-gender issues.... you might come up with something there.

Tay

[Konnor]

This is probably a hard question to answer, but what exactly is the difference between feeling masculine and feeling/being male? Thanks for a different perspective Tay!

--Konnor

[Fenrir]

@konman: It's something that you'll have to figure out for yourself, by and large, but I would say that it's probably whether you need your body to be a different way in certain situations (like going to the bathroom, etc.) and needing people to perceive you as a biological male, as opposed to feeling your best acting and dressing in a typically male fashion but being fine with your female parts overall.
Of course, then you get into a can of worms with the non-ops. I'm honestly stumped for how else to explain this! Sorry guys if I offended anyone... 

With regards to your original problem, it's great to have someone so supportive you can be so relaxed around! As I think someone else said, don't force yourself into any step if you're not ready. Take time to explore your gender and how you feel about it, and if you always make sure to stay true to yourself you'll be fine. And yeah, check out the Androgyne Talk section here for an alternative to the gender binary! We don't bite, really. 

[Konnor]

Thanks Fenrir...that was a very helpful reply! I do want to be perceived as male all the time, and I do want atleast top surgery. Being seen as male is when I feel my best, for sure. The part I'm confused about is being okay with being someone's wife/a mum to our future kids. I shouldn't want a female role, should I? And when I'm with him, I'm okay with maybe not passing 100%, or people thinking we're a guy and a girl. I don't know if it's just that he makes me that comfortable and I want to marry him/have kiddies because I love him that much, or because I desire that female role with anyone, not just him. I've probably just confused everyone even more. Ugh. Sorry!!

--Konnor

[Nimetön]

You seem to assume that being a spouse (wife), or being a primary parent (mother), requires accepting a 'female role.'  It appears to me that there are many men assuming these roles who are both physically and psychologically male and present themselves socially as such, and the sexual complement of this is also true, and both of these have arrangements have occurred as special cases in all cultures since time immemorial.

I'd advise you to take a somewhat closer look at your assumptions regarding the way you observe and classify your options.  While it is true that there is objective sex and gender in human biology and that these form the foundation for the function of the human race as a whole, there are also many special cases and deviations from this standard.  Many of these special cases form successful and happy families and households.  You may find your future by simply being a very unusual person.

I suggest that you get a better handle on what you are and what the two of you want for your lives, then concern yourself with categories.  When you understand any thing's essential nature, you will know how properly to dispose of it.

- N

[notyouraverageguy]

I think that its amazing to have someone that's as accepting as he is. He seems very supporting, and loves you for who you are. You should surround yourself with more people like that.

But as for feeling so comfortable with yourself that you don't want to transition, that shouldn't make you feel non-transgender.
I understand how you feel, you love him and you want to have a family with him. You want to have a child that's both of yours, and its an incredible thing to have, instead of adopting or some sort. Don't let what everyone says SHOULD be dictate who you are, or your choices in life.
Do what you want, not what others want or what others expect.
Just be you, and if you have to transition to be YOU then do it, but if you don't then more power to you.

I think its awesome that you can be completely yourself with him though. Like dress, pack, bind, use mens rooms, that's an amazing support to have from someone you're in love with.

[AndrewMarten]

Don't let what everyone says SHOULD be dictate who you are, or your choices in life.

Exactly. Being gender variant in any way is already starting to color outside the lines, so why would you want to find new lines to color in? I say, make your own. (If that makes sense...)

You have to be careful with those counterfactuals... otherwise you might "should" all over yourself. 

BTW: I will add my voice to the chorus of folks who are happy for you that you have someone to love and be loved by in return. It's a blessing.

[Konnor]

Thanks everyone!! I agree wholeheartedly, having him in my life has turned my attitude around so much. I used to be so depressed, but now I'm doing much better. He's amazing and I hope I always have him in my life somehow.  I understand what you're saying Nimeton, that's a good point. I guess I never thought of it that way. CCC & Andrew (great name by the way!  ), you're right...I know I shouldn't let what others say influence me, but I really do. I'm not very good at standing strong on my own...I'm one of those people who has a tendency to morph according to what's supposed to be "right" or whatever. I'm trying to get better at making decisions for my own reasons, but it's slow going. I'm still pretty confused on this topic, but luckily I won't see my Andrew until Christmas time. So I have a while to think on it before we talk about it. Hopefully all goes well!! Thanks again for all your help everyone!!

--Konnor

[AndrewMarten]

I know I shouldn't let what others say influence me, but I really do. I'm not very good at standing strong on my own...I'm one of those people who has a tendency to morph according to what's supposed to be "right" or whatever.

It's a difficult thing to do. I'd never considered myself a particularly strong-willed person, but a very good friend of mine has been pointing out to me lately just how much I've muddled through in my life. Acknowledging how strong I have been, even when I didn't think I was very strong, has made it easier to continue to be strong. Just try to remember how far you've come in order to be the individual you are today. And, of course no one says you have to be strong on your own! That's what we're all here for! 

[Alexmakenoise]

I know I've learned a lot about myself from long-term relationships, so in the end, they've all helped me to be myself to a fuller extent. 

About 5 years ago, I first came out to a boyfriend.  I waited until we had been together for a year or two - long enough for us to get to know each other as individual people more than anything else.  To my surprise, he was neither shocked nor surprised.  He just said matter-of-factly, "Yeah, I know, and I'll always love you.  As long as you have a female body, I'll be attracted to you.  If your body ever becomes male, I won't be attracted to you anymore because I'm straight, but I'll still love you for who you are."

Since then, I've made a point of coming out to anyone I was in a serious relationship with - when the timing was right.  When I was uncertain or apprehensive, I'd test the waters by joking around about secretly being a guy, or sticking a phallic-looking object in my tight jeans and watching their reaction.  I've never had a boyfriend have an emotional reaction (or really any reaction to speak of) when I came out.  Seemed like they knew ahead of time but didn't think it was worth mentioning.  They all confirmed that yes, I do think like a typical guy.  Some have tried to help me to understand how most girls think, based on their experiences with more female-brained girls.  So coming out and talking openly about gender identity was ALWAYS helpful. 

But there was always an unspoken understanding that, since the guys I've come out to have all been heterosexual, if I transitioned, the relationship would end.  And I started to feel like I was ripping them off in a way.  Started to get the sense that my transition would inevitably happen some day and that I was giving false hopes to heterosexual guys who I cared deeply about.  I decided I didn't want to do that to anyone.  Or be untrue to myself.


Ultimately, I think it's important to remember that:

1.  There is no time limit.  The more patient you are, the more wisely you'll make decisions.

2.  Being true to yourself IS doing a favor to those who truly care about you, even if it changes the nature of the role they play in your life.

[Radar]

Being true to yourself IS doing a favor to those who truly care about you, even if it changes the nature of the role they play in your life.

Wise words.