Over the last few months, I've noticed I feel as two people, that my emotions carry the essence of one of two identities. There's several examples I could bring up, but the following is the most recent straight-forward one.
Near the end of October, I unexpectedly ran into my grandmother at the grocery store. I already have problems with unexpected social situations involving people I know. (I'm not a fan of surprise visits, either.) She went through the normal motions of asking how I've been and what have I been doing, when out of nowhere she asks "What's wrong with your eyebrows?" A few days prior, I'd had them shaped for the first time. She stares at them confused, knowing they're different but not grasping how, while I'm standing there uneasily. We were standing in the middle of the store's foyer, so people darting to and fro all around me heightened my anxiety.
I finally told her I had them shaped, that they looked "thick" only because they were more defined, that they were actually narrower. She just shrugs with an "oh" and, noticing me looking around at the many passers-by nervously, suggests we talk outside and out of the way. The conversion continues as normal, but all I can think about is how she responded to my eyebrows. . .I'm not out to any family members yet.
When the chat finally ended and I got to my car, I felt a few things. First, I felt a "male-tinged" frustration over thinking again about how I'll eventually have to tell her and the rest of my family about all of this. I guess it felt like that to me because it involved the relationships between Ash (using this as a substitute for my real male name) and my family. After this, though, I felt "female-tinged" sadness and disappointment over the way she responded to my eyebrows. I guess those emotions felt like they came from a female place because they involved one of the few outward expressions of Ashley I have available to me in public right now, along with my long nails, shaved arms, and ever-growing hair. Basically, my grandmother's reaction really hurt her (Ashley's) feelings. . .my feelings. Both sets of emotions combined had me in tears by the time I got home.
I don't ever feel like I have two distinct identities housed within me, but with Ash and Ashley living lives exclusive of one another, I can't help but feel my internal responses to external stimuli are greatly affected by whichever life is more sensitive or relevant to them.
