Well, I just came home from my very first therapy session and I feel a huge sense of relief.
After filling in the form I spoke to the therapist and was very composed and polite. I was thinking to myself, "this isn't going to be as traumatic as I first thought". She led me through the security door and into the inner sanctum of the clinic. She led me into the room and closed the door, sat me down and proceeded to ask me why I thought I needed help. I calmly started to tell her, but as soon I hit the nerve about the 'real' me, I burst into tears. I told her what seemed to bring all this to the fore front recently was I looked at an article on youtube about a programme in the States hosted by Barbara Walters called 20/20. It was about three transgender children. While the story was unfolding what struck me very hard was the story about Riley. I got very emotional, and things that I thought had well and truly healed over came back with a vengeance. I empathized and connected with Riley, if I could I would have given her a huge hug.
These GID thoughts are not new mind you. No, rather I have been fighting this all my life. That's why Riley upset me so much. These were feelings and thoughts I have had since three years old. I wasn't as smart at Riley however, because at the time I didn't know there was a difference between boys and girls. I thought the bits between my legs would start looking like my older sister when I grew up. Looking back, I just thought I was a girl and thought nothing of it. It wasn't till I went to school that I very quickly felt wrong and didn't fit in. I was scared to go to the public urinal and I was very self conscious about getting naked in front of them in the swimming pool change rooms.
I will write down all this detail at another time, but what I am saying here is I told all this to the therapist (between sobbing) including my utterly confused sexuality and the whole gamut of what I once thought was weird and perverse behavior on my part, but now, thanks to this forum, realize it fits a pattern. A pattern that until now I thought never existed. I am, in her words, absolutely and definitely transsexual. I can't begin to express how empowering that in itself is. I feel a great sense of pride that I am part of a very special group of people. I am not alone!
The main thing she told me is don't feel you have to hurry anything. It will build as time goes and with her help and other medical professionals, I should find myself... the real me that has been hidden for most of my life. She agreed that my joining this forum was a very important step. She also suggested I try and find one person I feel I can trust and gently let them into my real world. It will most likely be my sister. I will have to fess up and tell her I used to 'try on' her clothes. I don't know why, but even though I was unbelievably careful about it, I wouldn't be surprised if she knew all along. But we will have to wait and see. I was warned that I might have to accept that she might not react well. The main thing is I must make very safe and careful steps, because this is so emotionally connected to the inner core of my very being that I don't know how I would react. I have been suffering mild depression (ranging from mild to quite strong) most of my life and it just may flip me over in a bad way.
The other thing she suggested was to put me in touch with someone she knows that is older than me but has (or she thinks still is) gone through transition, and very successfully at that. She also thought it great that I am regularly waxing my legs and getting laser treatment on my back, shoulders and bottom. I also shave my arms and chest. I am even seriously considering laser then electrolysis on my face. All this means I can and am starting a transition in a small and subtle way. It makes me feel good, not turned on, just contented that I am "un-masculinising" (I know, I just invented a new word) myself.
I won't be able to see her for about a month because in this part of the world we have our summer holidays. But the main thing is I am looking forward to seeing her again and furthering my journey towards being the real me!!
Thank you and bless you all,
Love, Alexie
