I don't know why, but I'm really happy and relieved that I just may be on the road to recovery.
Thanks to everyone on this forum for encouraging me and convincing me I do need help. Not knowing where to start, I asked if anyone knew where I could go in Melbourne (Australia) to get therapy. Thanks to my fellow 'Aussies' on this forum I followed up on a couple of leads. There is a centre not too far from me that specializes in GID, however what scared me off was they really only wanted to se people who already had their condition professionally diagnosed and due to time constraints etc, weren't interested in counseling per se. That then lead to me doing a lot of surfing the web to eventually find a counselor that included GID in their preamble.

I got the guts to email the clinic on Wednesday, got a response on Friday telling me to phone in for an appointment. Deep breath... I rang on Monday morning only to be told that the clinic couldn't book on her behalf, she had to call back. Well to cut a long story short, I heard nothing all day!! I was starting to wonder and question the whole thing. Am I just imagining all this, maybe it will all go away, etc, etc. Then I started crying and thinking if the solution was to "correct" my female brain, I would be dead inside. That is my very core, that is what makes me, me. Then of course I cried some more... I don't need estrogen to get all emotional, I have always done a really good job of that myself. But hey, I've always known I'm very different to most boys/men.

I got straight to the computer this morning to try and get the therapist to actually ring me and make an appointment, but I was really worried that I might annoy her, so I was as polite as I could possibly be. Then it happened... the phone call... while I was driving!!! I have no hands free so I missed it!! Guess what... I cried again! This is beginning to be a habit isn't it. Thankfully a message was left. It was her assistant and she gave a couple of options for an appointment. I took the first one of course. I couldn't wait to get home and tell my new 'family' the news. It will be this Saturday. I hope I don't burst into tears too much when I talk to her, but I will try my best.

This means so much to me because I have never, ever discussed this stuff with anyone. I am well into my 40's and until joining this forum, thought I was alone and just a sad mixed up case. After reading your many posts, hearing your life stories in all their raw and beautiful honesty, seeing that so many of you have done something about it and continue to live happy lives, I realized for the first time in my life that I no longer have anything to be ashamed of. I have been hiding and avoiding the big bad world as much as possible. I have actually been suffering depression on and off for most of my life. The problem is people never see the real me. What they see is an act, a very bubbly, happy, effervescent and extravert act, but an act none the less. I am very lonely as a result even though of recent times I have made many friends. You see my problem is exacerbated because I now have a very public profile. I can't say too much about what I do because someone on this board might work it out. I know no one would do anything maliciously but I am not ready for my 'secret' to get out yet. I am very afraid at this stage how I might react if found out; very afraid. The one possible positive would be that if I transitioned I would definitely use my 'celebrity' to further the cause for transsexuals around the world and try to remove prejudices. I'm not saying I'm unbelievably famous, because I'm not. I am very humble about it and dare I say realistic. I'm now ranting a bit and dreaming so I'm sorry for that. It's just such a joy to say all this stuff to like minded people.

I will try to keep you posted on my progress, and as soon as I find out I will tell you what my diagnosis is: although I think we all know what that will be 

Love, Alexie

I am so glad for you, Alexie.  Doors will begin to open for you and all you will need to do is walk through them.



Hugs and Love
Janet

Hi Alexie,

Telephone tag gets in the way of progress sometimes, but it sounds as if you are working through it just fine. Yes, do please, keep us informed on your progress. And please, keep your personal identifying information quiet; ninety-five percent of us understand the intense privacy concerns and respect other friends here too much, but there is the other five percent. Inquiring minds want to shoot their mouth's off! That's not what we're here for anyway. And, if in the future you are in a position to help others of us, we can always say we knew you when!

SusanKG

Well done Alexie!

It's nice to hear that another of us 40odd women is making her way along the road to being who we are. I started therapy back the end of July and it is by far the best thing I have done for myself yet. There are a lot of things about your story that are like mine - well, except for the Australia part, and the very bubbly, happy, effervescent and extravert parts. The first real, face-to-face person I ever told about my 'freakishness' was my therapist - of course that was a couple of weeks after I came here and told all y'alls (southern slang for all of you fine people) about me and in turn learned that I wasn't the only freak in the world who thought/felt/behaved/acted this way.

Enjoy your first session, just be honest, be yourself (not the character you've been playing, but YOU), and remember that she is there to help you, not you her. Oh, and their job is not to correct the brain (that is not possible). I'm looking forward to my (can't remember what number) session Tuesday, I'm hoping to find out more about getting my HRT letter - maybe January.

congrats alexie

Alexie, I'm so happy to hear this. I hope your first session goes well.

*hugs*

The first few steps are hard to take, but it does get a little easier with each one.
Congratz.

Well, I just came home from my very first therapy session and I feel a huge sense of relief.

After filling in the form I spoke to the therapist and was very composed and polite. I was thinking to myself, "this isn't going to be as traumatic as I first thought". She led me through the security door and into the inner sanctum of the clinic. She led me into the room and closed the door, sat me down and proceeded to ask me why I thought I needed help. I calmly started to tell her, but as soon I hit the nerve about the 'real' me, I burst into tears. I told her what seemed to bring all this to the fore front recently was I looked at an article on youtube about a programme in the States hosted by Barbara Walters called 20/20. It was about three transgender children. While the story was unfolding what struck me very hard was the story about Riley. I got very emotional, and things that I thought had well and truly healed over came back with a vengeance. I empathized and connected with Riley, if I could I would have given her a huge hug.

These GID thoughts are not new mind you. No, rather I have been fighting this all my life. That's why Riley upset me so much. These were feelings and thoughts I have had since three years old. I wasn't as smart at Riley however, because at the time I didn't know there was a difference between boys and girls. I thought the bits between my legs would start looking like my older sister when I grew up. Looking back, I just thought I was a girl and thought nothing of it. It wasn't till I went to school that I very quickly felt wrong and didn't fit in. I was scared to go to the public urinal and I was very self conscious about getting naked in front of them in the swimming pool change rooms.

I will write down all this detail at another time, but what I am saying here is I told all this to the therapist (between sobbing) including my utterly confused sexuality and the whole gamut of what I once thought was weird and perverse behavior on my part, but now, thanks to this forum, realize it fits a pattern. A pattern that until now I thought never existed. I am, in her words, absolutely and definitely transsexual. I can't begin to express how empowering that in itself is. I feel a great sense of pride that I am part of a very special group of people. I am not alone!

The main thing she told me is don't feel you have to hurry anything. It will build as time goes and with her help and other medical professionals, I should find myself... the real me that has been hidden for most of my life. She agreed that my joining this forum was a very important step. She also suggested I try and find one person I feel I can trust and gently let them into my real world. It will most likely be my sister. I will have to fess up and tell her I used to 'try on' her clothes. I don't know why, but even though I was unbelievably careful about it, I wouldn't be surprised if she knew all along. But we will have to wait and see. I was warned that I might have to accept that she might not react well. The main thing is I must make very safe and careful steps, because this is so emotionally connected to the inner core of my very being that I don't know how I would react. I have been suffering mild depression (ranging from mild to quite strong) most of my life and it just may flip me over in a bad way.

The other thing she suggested was to put me in touch with someone she knows that is older than me but has (or she thinks still is) gone through transition, and very successfully at that. She also thought it great that I am regularly waxing my legs and getting laser treatment on my back, shoulders and bottom. I also shave my arms and chest. I am even seriously considering laser then electrolysis on my face. All this means I can and am starting a transition in a small and subtle way. It makes me feel good, not turned on, just contented that I am "un-masculinising" (I know, I just invented a new word) myself.

I won't be able to see her for about a month because in this part of the world we have our summer holidays. But the main thing is I am looking forward to seeing her again and furthering my journey towards being the real me!!

Thank you and bless you all,

Love, Alexie

Alexie,

I'm so happy that worked out for you hon. You found the road ahead may be rocky and crooked, and mostly in the dark, but you also found that others have maps and flashlights. And more batteries.

SusanKG