Grieving the Old You

[sneakersjay]

Similar thing happened when I went through some old pictures.  I do wish she could have been happy!


Jay

[K8]

Last month I went to where my parents' ashes are buried.  I went to show them that their lost child had finally found herself.  I sat there in the frozen garden, crying - crying for the difficulties, the struggle, the years of confusion - theirs and mine.

My friends and therapists have told me over and over that I seem to be the same person, but a woman and happier and more complete.  I think that if "he" came to visit me I would be freaked out, because he's me.  I am just a new, improved version of that person that was him. 

But I think I know what you mean, Jen.  I think it is healthy to reconcile who you are now with who you were.  I think that's what I was doing in the memorial garden.

Thanks, Jen.  I love the imagery.  How sweet that you still like the old guy despite his faults.

- Kate

[Kelli]

This has been a really good thread. Thank you, Jen! You're good people. ;-)


*hugs*

[Vision]

The old me was a good person who did the very best he could for as long as he could, until he just couldn't do it anymore and it was transition or die.

That doesn't make him evil, or bad.  He was kind, generous, and loved his family.  He was simply a sad, tortured person who is now at peace, and I hope with all my heart that I brought the best of him with me on this journey. 

[V M]

The old me was a good person who did the very best he could for as long as he could, until he just couldn't do it anymore and it was transition or die.

That doesn't make him evil, or bad.  He was kind, generous, and loved his family.  He was simply a sad, tortured person who is now at peace, and I hope with all my heart that I brought the best of him with me on this journey.

This....Except the times when he's tried to kill me

[Vision]

This....Except the times when he's tried to kill me

The poor guy was in a lot more danger of me killing him.

Guess I finally did, huh.

[Lachlann]

I guess I really did kill 'her' off. Part of me is going to miss her, but I feel a lot more happier now, I can't deny that.

I tried for a long time to be happy as her, but each time I succeeded it just couldn't stick... it just didn't stick with the same intensity.

Makes you wonder, what happens to the other side of you when you've cast them off?

[Janet_Girl]

Oh I think they are still with us.  We just become more interrogated.  Not having to battle with the two sides they finally become one.

The other side will always be with us, as they are us.  We have just chosen to allow our true gender come to the surface and not hide behind the old persona.

[Vision]

I think Janet is right.  They are still there, minus the pain.

[Lachlann]

Well that's a relief.

[V M]

My "Evil twin" was a nice guy in allot of ways...and I'm sure he'll be back to try and kill me from time to time

But I've been learning ways to deal with him better

[Muffin]

I just had a visit from an old friend, someone who I hadn't seen for four months who knows about me but hasn't seen me this much, as me. It was very..... intense and short, he was obviously effected by seeing the new me and the vibe was buzzing. We caught up well and everything went great but there was something different that was more than his nervousness. At one point I had to hold back from bursting into tears.
I mentioned how all my old friends liked the old me and how I hope that everyone likes the new me, in so many words.. he said it will take time, obviously but it was good to hear him understand that. I asked and the general consensus is apparently "what the f&%K?", but they'll come around in the end he said.
This was the first time I've had word back from my old life and of my old friends. There is a party coming up in a few months that I've been invited to.. I'm scared to even think about it right now.

[Hannah]

I don't know why but I had an 'old me' memory earlier.

I had been in marine corps boot camp for like...maybe three weeks. It was a sunday afternoon and there wasn't a lot of training on Sundays, it's as close to a day off as you get that early in boot camp. Anyway the Senior Drill Instructor was on duty, and was trying to get ready for something but people (us) kept interrupting him. I was reading the paper and watching this unfold, I wasn't sure what was going to happen but I knew it would be dramatic...

Finally after being driven crazy by requests to use the phone and go to the px yayaya he shouts at the top of his lungs
"GOD DAMMIT! Would anybody else like to SEE ME NAKED!" and threw his prefectly pressed uniform out the door of his duty hut. I thought to myself "...i would..."

Oh wait that wasn't the old me, that was Me me, er wait, what

[BunnyBee]

My "Evil twin" was a nice guy in allot of ways...and I'm sure he'll be back to try and kill me from time to time

Don't you let him!  I don't like that kind of talk, even when it's put in such a funny way *laughs and frowns at the same time*

So many different perspectives here.  It is pretty interesting.  Also it is kind of interesting to see how people's perspectives are windows that frame the things they hear others say.

I am me, always have and forever will be.

^That is the first thing I know, and it's one of the only mantras I have... that I just made up... that rhymes.  Okay delirium is obviously setting in.  Insomnia is the worst.  I'll figure out the second thing I know tomorrow.  Maybe the third too, but I don't want to get ahead of myself.

Oh and Kelli *hugs back*

[V M]

I'll be okay dear

Insomnia takes it's toll 

{{{HUGS}}}

[IndigeoAliquis]

I'm literally going to run around and hug all of you, right now. I'm serious.

[The None Blonde]

This is quite an odd topic... not because of the OP's post, but that everyone seems to see themselves as someone else... the third person refernces to 'him'  and now them is quite an obvious sign of disasociative issues. You dont want to be that person, so by calling them someone else, it doesnt blame you...

Personally, yes, i felt some loss, more in the way i had done things... it had been a different life, and a different person, an act, I didn't feel bad putting that act to bed, but I did miss it briefly. But now? no, I don't miss any of it. There wasn't much of a life to call a guy, and I'm still the same person, the body is just right.

Interesting story Jen.

[V M]

Yeah, I'm still me

I'm just not pretending to be this guy that others expected me to be

So often people would tell me to be myself and then try to tell me how to act

I got tired of acting

I like being myself much better

This is who I am...What you see is what you get

[Virginia]

Jen, the honesty of your post brought tears to my eyes. The imagery and words were simple poetry. I am so happy for you to have arrived at this point in your life.

Ginny

[Naturally Blonde]

Yeah, I'm still me

I'm just not pretending to be this guy that others expected me to be

So often people would tell me to be myself and then try to tell me how to act

I got tired of acting

I like being myself much better

This is who I am...What you see is what you get

I think you've nailed it virginia!