Grieving the Old You

[BunnyBee]

I'm literally going to run around and hug all of you, right now. I'm serious.

Omg, I dare you!

So okay,

This wasn't the first vivid daydream I've ever had (I am the ultimate daydreamer) but I think it was the first to ever make me cry.  I'm not really sure why my subconscious felt the need to conjure such a thing, but I see many things I can take from it--

1)  It felt more than anything like I was saying goodbye to and making peace with the past.  I'm glad my past was represented by such a kind and reassuring avatar, because that helped me to remember that the past wasn't all horrid.  There really were some good times mixed in there somewhere.  I think I will now be able to bring closure to the past by softly closing the door with a smile, rather than slamming it and stomping off into the sunset calling it names.

2)  I feel I can empathize with the mourning process my friends and family have to go through and I can even understand better why they may have that reaction.

3)  I feel I can understand why people sometimes refer to their past incarnations as different entities.  It may not be so much about having a split personality or whatever, but rather just be a different way of thinking about the persona they once had to use.  I think it is interesting how people handle things.

Maybe I'll find even more things to take from it, especially if people keep posting things.

[Alyssa M.]

This is quite an odd topic... not because of the OP's post, but that everyone seems to see themselves as someone else... the third person refernces to 'him'  and now them is quite an obvious sign of disasociative issues. You dont want to be that person, so by calling them someone else, it doesnt blame you...

Personally, yes, i felt some loss, more in the way i had done things... it had been a different life, and a different person, an act, I didn't feel bad putting that act to bed, but I did miss it briefly. But now? no, I don't miss any of it. There wasn't much of a life to call a guy, and I'm still the same person, the body is just right.

Interesting story Jen.

I don't really think it's that strangem, what you call dissociative. I am definitely not the same person I once was. I'm not dissociated from the person I was yesterday, but five years ago? That's someone else. My personhood might be continuous, but that doesn't mean it's constant; it changes. That happens regardless of my sex or gender or gender role.

Also, with regard to "him," I put a lot of me into "him," but "he" was a role I played, a persona rather than a person. Some part of me misses having that role around, even if I don't miss playing it.

[Asfsd4214]

This is quite an odd topic... not because of the OP's post, but that everyone seems to see themselves as someone else... the third person refernces to 'him'  and now them is quite an obvious sign of disasociative issues. You dont want to be that person, so by calling them someone else, it doesnt blame you...

Personally, yes, i felt some loss, more in the way i had done things... it had been a different life, and a different person, an act, I didn't feel bad putting that act to bed, but I did miss it briefly. But now? no, I don't miss any of it. There wasn't much of a life to call a guy, and I'm still the same person, the body is just right.

Interesting story Jen.

I actually completely agree with you.

I'm a bit of an odd case in that I didn't really ever have a male life, friends, family, etc, that I had to let go of or anything prior or during transition. So it's not really like I've changed into a completely different person, but I've definitely changed as the person I've always been.

So it's not just you.

[Muffin]

The only time I'd consider myself to be dissociated is when I've had a wee bit too much cough syrup, not that I'm complaining or anything ^_^

I guess for some of us we repressed a lot of what we felt early on and tried our best to just accept the body we were given and to get on with life and conform to particular gender roles. I don't think either is better or worse than the other.. we both end up in the same boat.

[Just Kate]

This morning I was visited by the ghost of my previous self.  He walked up from out of the fade and wrapped his arms around me warmly.  With reassuring kindness he said, "You've shown such strength that I never knew you had.  I'm proud of you, and I know you will be fine"  And with a smile he looked me in the eyes and softly said goodbye.

With that he began to fade from view.  Before he left, the only thing I could manage through the tears streaming down my face, "You were a good person, I really wish I could have been you."

So, I have been an absolute mess all day after this.  Such a strange thing to mourn yourself.

I haven't had a moment's doubt of the path I chose, an advantage of waiting till there was no other choice.  This wasn't regret either, but just my way of saying goodbye to that which never could have been.  I hung on long enough.

Oh my gosh, this actually made me tear up... I'm still thinking about it and I just might full on cry.  I had my moment like that several years ago when I looked at my female self in the mirror and said goodbye, that if it was meant to be, then I'd be her again in the eternities.  It is why I can never see my transition as a negative thing.

I wish the best for you, and this goes out to all my sisters and brothers who have transitioned as well, I'm so proud of what you have accomplished.

[deviousxen]

Another weird topic.  I am the old me....

Some people, me included, live in their synthetic role for so long that the persona is strong. I think of myself back then as a different person, because I AM a different person. My mind was so different on T, and I am an artist too.


I wanna animate my old selves, namely one, the one most like the old me, so I can let them live elsewhere outside of my mind. Not the only reason I wanna animate/make comics and stories, but important. Still... I do mourn being him a LITTLE, but its mostly surreal because I view that many years as somebody else now. Some things are in common, but slowly, the hands of Estrogen have hacked my brain, uncrossing the wires that I tangled in fear, doing weird things to me. Like I'm just an android and this loving, yet twisted doctor/creator is taking care of me from the injury of me running away from her. Criss crossing me, and wow it hurts, but you need a correct suture to heal up right.

I dk. Weird analogies tonight. I'm going to bedddd....

[BunnyBee]

Oh my gosh, this actually made me tear up... I'm still thinking about it and I just might full on cry.  I had my moment like that several years ago when I looked at my female self in the mirror and said goodbye, that if it was meant to be, then I'd be her again in the eternities.  It is why I can never see my transition as a negative thing.

I wish the best for you, and this goes out to all my sisters and brothers who have transitioned as well, I'm so proud of what you have accomplished.

<3 *hugs*

[IndigeoAliquis]

I have low self-esteem so the thing that really gets me is, people say I make a gorgeous female and whatnot. (I have no idea honestly, --> me last year: http://photos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-snc1/v1237/82/30/825200298/n825200298_1674725_3988.jpg)

So I see women who are given high praises for their skills in fields in comparison with men, because of this (it's so messed up) and I realize when I come out to friends who don't yet know, I'll be just another guy that's simply played guitar since 1994, has programmed since 1998, is good at forensic science,...... instead of a woman who is really amazing at guitar, you know, I just see how all those things would change from the way they are now.

And it pisses me off that my mind thinks all of that. It really does. Why is my head so, just, wrong?

[Naturally Blonde]

I actually completely agree with you.

I'm a bit of an odd case in that I didn't really ever have a male life, friends, family, etc, that I had to let go of or anything prior or during transition. So it's not really like I've changed into a completely different person, but I've definitely changed as the person I've always been.

So it's not just you.

Ditto!

[Sarah B]

I was also born with a problem that did not reflect what was truly me.  I have done so many things before my surgery and have done a lot more since and I am proud of what I have done and I have never have been ashamed of what I have done.

However, inside I am and always will be the same person that I have always been.  I grow and change each day to become a better person than I was before.  Someone who is kind, generous and helps others to realise the potential that is within themselves.

K8, thank you for sharing such a touching moment, I never got to see my grandad after I left, I spent so much time with him building his little cottage and he taught me to drive a car.  When I was informed that he died.  I had a cup of coffee and it was early morning I raised my cup of coffee and said. "Heres to you grandad", I still miss him to this day.

I did spend time with my 'nanny', but she had dementia, so I do not know to what extent she knew about me.  I have a lovely picture of her and me together, which has been enlarged, framed and now resides in the main living room of my house.  Years later after my nanny died I visited were they both now rest in peace together with my mum.  Yes I had a little tear in my eye.

These are memories that are a part of me before and after.  They make me who I am today.

Kind Regards
From Erfurt Thuringen Germany
Sarah B

Be who you want to be.

[spacial]

I have low self-esteem so the thing that really gets me is, people say I make a gorgeous female and whatnot.

And it pisses me off that my mind thinks all of that. It really does. Why is my head so, just, wrong?

I really undertand that and know where you're comming from.

I didn't start to pick myself up until I stopped trying to be as good as everyone else.

.