Coming out to my girlfriend

[Jester]

Ever since my roommate moved out I've been dressing every night after I get home from work or school or whatever, and I'm starting to feel more comfortable alone as a girl, then when I'm in public as a guy.

As a result of that, and reading a lot of philosophy about the nature of being, becoming, and personal identity I'm starting to think that it's in my best interest to come out.  Like always when I get to this point, I'm going to start with the stupidest possible person and tell my girlfriend.

The situation is thus:  before we started dating she, combined with peer pressure and alcohol, has gotten me into dresses because she seems to perceive me as a kind of doll, and she's always joking about getting me into make-up.  One day I suggested that she was into "that sort of thing" and she told me that I had misread her.  I don't really see how I could possibly have misread that.  But yeah, her pet name for me is "princess" and she's always telling me what a pretty boy I am and whatnot.  Now, we have a mutual best friend who I *am* out to, so it makes me wonder.

Anyways, I've been reading Nietzsche's "On the Use and Abuse of History for Life," and a big part of that is to remember the past when it aids you in pressing towards what you will of the future, and to forget the past when it doesn't.  Is this one of those situations where I should treat the past as a blank slate where two of my previous relationships were ruined completely by my coming out?  Or should I be distinctly aware that that's what happened?

[LordKAT]

I would analyze what went wrong and if possible change that part, it prepares you for possibility of things not going right. Then take your chances.

[Jester]

I like your sig, though I THINK that "A Tale of Two Cities" is about a war.

I have analyzed my situation quite thoroughly.  You have to admit that she's giving me mixed signals.

I think I have to start coming out either way though.  My best friend seems like he's matured a lot in the past few years, and I think I could come out to him too, though I've always had trouble talking to men about these sorts of things.  I'm uncomfortable around guys, I think it's either a factor towards or a symptom of my GID.

[vanna]

sometimes you just have to take chances, lots here have hapy endings with their SO

only one way to find out and you also have to live

good luck"

[Jester]

This is gonna sound so stupid, but I was watching Dexter, and I was a goth kid in high school so I find it very easy to empathize (sympathy is something VERY different) with serial killers and Dexter's the most empathetic serial killer ever devised.  Oh, SPOILER ALERT if you watch Dexter and haven't seen Season 4 yet, but his marriage was failing because he was keeping secrets (with good reason) and he came like... half-way out, he told his wife that he had issues and needed space, and she built him a shed in the backyard and let him keep it locked.  I got misty eyed.  Then I started thinking, "It must be nice to have someone so supportive," and then I continued the thought and I realized that as much as I think it is, being transgendered is not as big a secret as being a serial killer.  I'm not going to prison on multiple life sentences if people find out about my coming out as a girl.  But one thing that still runs through the show's narrative and my life's narrative is that I don't know HOW to be open with people.  Hell, I've been lying so long that I've lost sight of the truth in a lot of cases.

How do I do this?

Also, does SO stand for significant other?

[Radar]

...and then I continued the thought and I realized that as much as I think it is, being transgendered is not as big a secret as being a serial killer. I'm not going to prison on multiple life sentences if people find out about my coming out as a girl.

Hmm. Good point.

But one thing that still runs through the show's narrative and my life's narrative is that I don't know HOW to be open with people. Hell, I've been lying so long that I've lost sight of the truth in a lot of cases

I completely know what you mean. I've been lying to others and myself for so long I've become uncommunicative, not open and secretive. It will be nice that once everyone in my life knows that won't be a secret anymore.

Yes, SO means significant other.

[Jester]

I think I'm over-rationalizing, but we've only been dating five months, and we haven't done the nasty and we haven't exchanged "I love yous."  I don't think I can love a person until they accept me as I am anymore though....  But... can I tell a girl a secret like that without loving her first?  Is it the only way?

I'm sitting here, it's 8pm, and I'm dressed in a mini-skirt and contrasting it with formal office-type top wear, fully made-up and I feel like it's not enough.  I'm alone like this, and it's not genuine.  When I live my day life as an abrasive, angry boy at odds with the world and then come home and dress up... it's more like pretend.  Or is the boy pretend?  Both maybe?

There's a literary theory book called "Monster Theory" by somebody Cohen.  It's about how in Ancient and Medieval texts a monster is something that defies classification, and therefore has to live outside of society and is a threat to it.  It persists even into stories today.  Notable monsters include Grendel, Lancelot (yes, Lancelot) and Enkidu.  But the heroes, they fit the same criteria- Beowulf, Achilles, Gilgamesh.

In my narrative, am I a monster or a hero?  And should I even care?  And can I even tell people if I don't know?

[elementalincognitus]

drop hints and test the water.... she probably wont pick up on it, which is good....since you arent ready to tell her directly yet.  then, bring it up and tell her.  if she leaves, well, theres your answer.  if not, then you still must wait to see if shes real. 

after all, like you said...we arent serial killers, were just mixed drinks poured accidentally into beer mugs. 

[Eva Marie]

Pick an appropriate time (say, later on at night after a few drinks) and have a chat about what she really means with those suggestions, and see where it leads. Keep it low key.

[Nicky]

I think you are way over thinking things. I think it is better to look at this emotively rather than intellectually.

The way I see it, she may like a girlier you but is inhibited just as a lot of other people are i.e. she may actually like dressing you up but she probably has negative voices in her head saying it is wrong to like such a thing. These voices can be hard to overcome. You could make is easier for her by saying something like "I really enjoyed the times you dressed me up, I like being called princess". That way she knows you are ok with it, and like it and accept it. As it is she may have been worried you were judging her, it might have sounded like you were accusing her of "liking that sort of thing". Of course she would have said no.

As for you I see your situation rather simply too. You have a need to be authentic to yourself, to face the world as yourself and be perceived as yourself. The longer you go on, the harder the not being will get.

Whatever happens it will be a risk telling her. There is no easy way about it. But I think if you want to be authentic then it is something you need to do.

My advise to break the ice, ask her round for a makeover session, have a girls night, hire some sappy movie and pizza, and bubbly, do each others nails.... It will be fun without any pressure. Approach it in good humour.

Best of luck!

Nicki

[K8]

I think you are way over thinking things. I think it is better to look at this emotively rather than intellectually.

The way I see it, she may like a girlier you but is inhibited just as a lot of other people are i.e. she may actually like dressing you up but she probably has negative voices in her head saying it is wrong to like such a thing. These voices can be hard to overcome. You could make is easier for her by saying something like "I really enjoyed the times you dressed me up, I like being called princess". That way she knows you are ok with it, and like it and accept it. As it is she may have been worried you were judging her, it might have sounded like you were accusing her of "liking that sort of thing". Of course she would have said no.

As for you I see your situation rather simply too. You have a need to be authentic to yourself, to face the world as yourself and be perceived as yourself. The longer you go on, the harder the not being will get.

Whatever happens it will be a risk telling her. There is no easy way about it. But I think if you want to be authentic then it is something you need to do.

My advice to break the ice, ask her round for a makeover session, have a girls night, hire some sappy movie and pizza, and bubbly, do each others nails.... It will be fun without any pressure. Approach it in good humour.

Best of luck!

Nicki

What Nicky said.  And read it again - it is all good. 

The only thing I would add is that I always told people at a time when they could leave gracefully if they wanted.  You don't want to start an evening or a meal with it.  You want to give them the option of saying: Well, that's really nice but I've got to go.

I hope it goes well for you.

- Kate

[Jester]

After my session (which she knows nothing about ) I'm having her over tomorrow.  Golly but it is hard to juggle a secret life, as I'm literally cutting this close by a difference of a half an hour.  We normally just play video games, but I've got some movies and TV series that have transgendered tones in them which aren't necessarily about being transgendered?

She's always joking about making me up, so next time I'll waggle an eyebrow and be all "Oh really?"  I'm experimenting in adding more room in my head for play.  I have way too much serious business.  Even my hobbies are serious business to me.  Friggin' cartoons from the 80s are serious business to me, which is ironically why nobody takes me very seriously.

[Nicky]

I reckon, have some fun with it. You could also say something like "whatcha waiting for honey, get your make-up out" and batter your eyes at her. Or make it even more definit "Sure, wanna come round tomorrow with your makeup, I would like that, we could have a girls night" or even a "->-bleeped-<- yeah, lets do it, I dare you"

She so wants to do it. Just need to give her permission. I'm really excited for you!

Good luck with the psyc! Feels good to be doing something eh? I always struggled when staying still, moving along no matter how slow is good for your mental health.

[Jester]

"Hey, remember how you wanted to dress me up and put me in make-up?  Well, how about we use my stuff?"
Post Merge: March 06, 2010, 09:00:51 PM
Okay... so, I've been thinking.  I'm seeing a counselor about my GID, and I'm spending ridiculous amounts of money on women's clothes and spending all of my time at home dressed in them.  Today, I knew a route I could take to a destination with a change of clothes that I would definitely not see anyone I knew and I went out fully dressed.  I knew it was a huge risk even if I had controlled as many variable as I could and I still did it even though my brain was like "No, you idiot."

I think this is starting to get serious.  I probably really should tell my girlfriend... like, out of principle or something.  Or to have somebody to talk to...

I can't believe I'm doing this stuff... in high school I told a couple of friends and had three pairs of panties.  I went to an LGBTQ meeting in my first year and failed to tell a counselor about what I am.  I've told girlfriends and done nothing about it... and now I'm, y'know, doing all this stuff.

I think it's actually pertinent that people close to me start to learn the truth....