Where to start? I am 24 and I have been struggling with my gender my entire life. I really haven't been open with anyone over this, it is easy enough to hide since i am biologically male and I am not interested in men romantically. In fact that very fact I used as a sort of justification that I couldn't be transgendered for many years however, I realize now that no amount of thinking, justification, or trying to be someone else can really change who I am. Well, that and gender identity and sexual orientation are not directly related.
It is difficult for me to write this, I am not terribly accustomed to telling personal details of myself especially of this nature. I never felt safe talking with my family, since a very young age. I had become very accustomed to being someone different inside than outside, my family situation pretty much required this as a coping strategy even had I not felt gender incongruent.
I had become very good at this, or so I had thought...over these past few years, it has become increasingly difficult to not be who I feel I am. I had thought, perhaps foolishly that I could appease myself by growing long hair, painting my fingernails, wearing eyeliner (all acceptable in the gothic subculture that I belong for either gender) but, I am getting the feeling that being like this is not something I can just "appease".
I haven't really done much with telling people, not my wife, brother, or really anyone knows. I get the feeling like full disclosure would make life easier, but that feeling has to fight against my immense fear of "letting go" of the facade that has protected me for so long... It also remains to be seen exactly how far I need to go before I can feel comfortable with myself, but I fear it is far further than those around me would accept...
So I am here for the long term, any advice or criticism is welcome, I am not afraid of candid opinions, I am here to share and learn, not just to validate my own feelings.
