Hello everyone,
I will warn you upfront that my English isn't the best there is, but i've been walking around with this problem for 16 years now, i'm a 20 year old boy ( that wishes she was a girl ).
I don't really know how to bring this problem but i'll give it my best shot, also i don't know if this is the correct place to post this, i'm sorry if it isn't but i'm really hopeless at this moment.
Ok so like i said in the intro, i'm a 20 year old boy / guy, i'm engaged for 4 years now with my girlfriend, first of all, i am NOT physically attracted to her ( I will come back to this later )
As long as i can remember i've always wanted to be female, i always called myself "My mothers daughter" but when i became a little older, my parents devorced and i've started to build a wall around me so noone could see my emotions, i have been living like this untill i was 16 years old, in those times i did allot of crossdressing aswell, as a kid i've always worn my sisters clothes, i wore them in public and i even wore her swimsuits in public aswell, since i still was a kid i never bothered what others thought about it, my mother never thought it was strange, she thought that it was something kids did from time to time, but as soon as they devorced, i stopped doing that.
This always made me NOT go to school, they always thought i had mental problems, but they never found out what, i did know that i had them when i was around 6 years old already, but since my parents devorced, i couldn't tell anyone and i didn't share anything with other people.
I've never had male friends in my life, only the ones that i started to learn over the internet, now the girls that i met over the years were a big support for me, i could talk with everything about them, untill i went to college, i forced myself to do the same education as my brother involving computers and nothing else, offcourse we never had female students here and i didn't have any friends at all, which resulted in no support for me, in this period i've been in the hospital twice, once because i slit my wrists but they were just in time and another time because i overdosed my mothers medicines. now about three months ago, i've started seeing a professional on this subject, he is a big support for me, but i have no idea what to do, whenever i ask myself what i want my mind and body screams that i am supposed to be a girl named Michelle ( that's why the name ) but on the other hand, my girlfriend would never accept the real me, and i don't wanna hurt her, so i'm soo clueless what to do and i'm feeling so depressed,
and i would like to talk with some people that know about this problem and might have experiences it in aswell.
I'm sorry for the zero punctuation, but i havent slepped for 48 hours now and i've got to go to college in a few hours
once again, i just don't know what to do and if you want any more information, i will check on this website for about every hour, once again, i'm sorry if it is posted in the wrong section but i just don't know what to do
( sorry for the short information, it was typed very fast
)
Edit: i will try to make a longer version when it's not 04:00 AM
i am just very tired.
